Living Life on the Edge

People from the past

2007-10-11T18:34:00.000+08:00

I feel like as if I'm back in my DR slbSEMA days, because the people whom I liaise with are people who are good at what they do in the past. Yeap, so it's good. It is a small world, when you can call the other person and find out that you both have worked together in the past. So the good thing about it, at least I know how these ppl work, that at least makes things easier aye? ;)

I miss my man now. Sighs.

Nochnoi Dozor, Dnevnoy Dozor, Sumerechniy Dozor, Posledniy Dozor and Sergey Lukyanenko

2007-09-25T12:25:00.001+08:00

A whole strew of russian words just popped out of nowhere, either way, things has been hell, the work, the accident and of course lets not forget about the Nurin Tragedy, sad and this is the time Capital Punishment is mandatory. People like the perp don't repent, they never do. So anyways, the last time I suggested any movies or good reads was probably to Robert, for Boondock Saints. Good indie, albeit crazy ass director, Troy Duffy.

However this time around I'm pushing it around abit, by suggesting this movie to quite a number of people, Nochnoi Dozor, or what is known as Night Watch. A movie based on all time best fantasy and sci fi author Sergey Lukyanenko tetralogy which involves, Nochnoi Dozor, Night Watch, Dnevnoy Dozor, Day Watch, Sumerechniy Dozor, Twilight Watch, and Posledniy Dozor, Final Watch. A bloody mouthful I know, I would love to blog more about all of this when I have time, however, to those whom have watched Night Watch, here's something to relive all the scenes again, before Day Watch, to those whom haven't it wouldn't make much sense, so try to watch Night Watch first, or read the book please. So enjoy!!!

Demonology 101

2007-09-06T15:45:00.000+08:00

Read it! A creative online graphic novel that has won the Web Cartoonist's Choice Awards for the year 2004 written and drawn by Faith Erin Hicks. Commonly known as D101. Again I would say this, I don't read spandex wearing super heroes comics. So enjoy.

So are demons, and anointed being part of your forte? Then D101 might be your cup of tea.

On the eve of Merdeka

2007-08-30T17:51:00.000+08:00

Unlike the other weekdays, this week I have decided to go to work via the train or LRT. So today with the rehearsals going on strong, the fighter planes criss crossing the skies, I overhead this,

" MERDEKA, MERDEKA, MERDEKA !!! ", was bellowed from the Dataran. I would like to remind everybody that on that fateful day 50 years ago, the word MERDEKA was bellowed out 7 times and not 3, but that's besides the point.

In the midst of the whole Merdeka shout, I overhead a lil indian girl, whom followed suit of shouting the word "MERDEKA", her parents were smiling and laughing at her. What followed later on, shocked me and the parents to no end, amongst the bellowing and all that jazz from the dataran, of a word I could barely make out myself, but somehow the lil girl shouted "MELAYU!!".

The family were across the street and I was on the other side of the street, we exchanged looks, the parents gave me a look that was hard for me decipher, confused, sad, shocked, I don't know. I just smiled at them and went on my way to work.

So, what is all this about? I tell you what, the country is being ruled by a bunch of hypocritical dogs, corruption, nepotism, wasteful spendings, the so called racial polarisation, the so called Islam Hadhari. I have all these while from the days of my studies in UKM, kept quiet after the incident with Angela and Ezam. I have also been told by my old lecturers to keep my trap shut concerning politics, I have also been told by people who cared for me to not debate nor say anything about the current situation. But I will not do this anymore, I will not keep quiet, I will admit to this, I was at one point like my father from the year 1998 till 2001, a huge supported of Anwar Ibrahim, why the change? Simple, I realised that when a person gets bitten then and then only will he try to fight and implement change.

Having said that however, I am still a big supporter of the opposition, maybe not Anwar per se, I realised being involved in the past, has made me realize a few things, and today, after all these years, this is what I have learnt.

20 odd years ago, a man was able to topple the power then. This man was called, Mahathir Mohamed, whom later on became our fourth PM and now is Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad. What he did then was necessary when the rulers, the sultans, were getting too much in their head, with all the extravagances and chaotic management, also lets not forget the killing and beating people, and getting away scot free. What Tun Dr Mahathir did then was a necessary evil, by removing the king’s power to veto legislation, allowing bills before the king to be passed without his consent after a lapse of 30 days. He also curtailed the powers and privileges of the rulers, removed their immunity and set up a special court to try them for civil and criminal offences.

So now, after 20 years, the malaysians are asking for a reform. We want the rulers to be back in power for the people. I will always support people who has the interest of the country and rakyat in their hearts or heads, to speak of politicians. Be it 20 years ago when the royals are running amok, be it now when the government is running amok. The power should always go to the people who are doing things properly. Now the royals seem to have more of balanced head on their shoulders, what with the likes of such Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin of Terengganu, our current Ruler and Raja Nazrin of Perak.

So tomorrow in RPK's own words, for MERDEKA, we will, I hope wear YELLOW, civil disobedience it shall be. Daulat Tuanku! Power to the people!

With that I wish everybody Selamat Hari Merdeka!!!!!!! with that I hope we will go through bigger and better change, for all of us, as Malaysians!!!! Equality for everybody!!!!

Esther

2007-08-22T12:02:00.000+08:00

Wow, it seems like I hit a nerve with somebody out there over my last post. Cool. Bring it on. I couldn't be bothered with anonymous cowards.

Anyways, today's post is about this 20 year old girl who's living with me and my man. Her name's Esther, a cute kitesurfer, who will soon be going to college. Random snippets of what our conversation usually revolves around, or rather random lines from her.

" WIPE OUT, FIZAH FIZAH come 'ere the fella wipe out wei, damn syiok wei ", calling out from her room when she was watching one of the skimboarding clips.

" Rot to to to to, it's in the blood i tell you, from daddy ", in her most keling indian accent pointing towards my man.

In case you're wondering, my man has taken on the role of being her daddy, and he's awfully paternal too.

" Wanking, wanking, wanker, wank, wank ..........." Bryan said on the way back from Magnificent Fish and Chips.

" What's wanking? " Esther asked

" Youtube for it ", me, my man and Bryan answered.

No kidding, she doesn't know what's wanking. And another incident in my office when she came over.

" Wong, you know now they're no longer called CIG IT, now it's CL IT ", I hinted

" Yeah and? ", Wong still not getting it.

" Dude, CL IT, C L I T, am I the only only thinking that it's funny ", my man said.

" HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAH, bloody hell that's funny ", wong said upon which he went to tell the other director.

" Hoi!! Very sensitive wei ", the other director said while laughing.

" Tomorrow meeting with the clitters ", I said.

" What's CL IT, clit? What's clit? ", Esther asked.

There you go peeps, my ever so endearing 'daughter'. Believe me there's more where that came from. Sighs, it'll be awfully quiet once she starts going to college.

Bitchy

2007-08-15T12:32:00.000+08:00

I used to know this person, if I am known as very hard, harsh, crude and disrespectful to others, well apparently you haven't met this person yet. And that's to put it lightly.

This person is what a friend of mine term " hard to live with, too much coughing up lame excuses about everything and blaming it on the upbringing ".

Personally I chalk it up to cowardice to come forth and do new things. Not saying that I didn't at one point of my life blame everything on my upbringing, maybe that's why I can empathize the blaming but after all these years, please, just put a stop to it.

What surprise me is this person doesn't feel tired and fed up of all of these, geez, too much time I reckon. Wish I have that. To sleep though.

Instead of being bitchy, just leave, don't have to fucking scream about it to everyone and everything.

Life is dramatic enough, let other people chill and relax to themselves. Focus on something, career, sex whatever it takes. Idle minds are dangerous, especially those of which has work or responsibilities and yet shirk it off.

Think about the things that others have accomplished, worse case scenario, think about what I have accomplished, and ponder over it for awhile?

Got the answer? What has been accomplished? Studies? Bah! I was never a good student, but have accomplished more it seems. What will others remember this person for? A couple of friends said,

" How bitchy and perasan this person is "

" Drama, epitomize drama "

" As the person who's actually very very unattractive and yet thinks otherwise "

" Sad beyond words "

So go travel! Work in marine conservation projects (oppss, NO, better not, I'd rather not have drama), do something instead of bitching about others, and relationships. It gets real passe.

Two words hun', GROW UP!

Penang ( 070707 )

2007-07-20T15:20:00.000+08:00

It's a bit too late, but what the heck right. So anyways, a friend of mine gotten married on the 7th of july, it was a beach side wedding. What do you expect from a surfer lah. Anyways, penang was nice, we get to meet up with some friends, great food, and it was such a break for me and mah man.

James, me, Raymond ( the groom ) and Sam

Of course there's a picture of all of us surfers and our partners.

To lazy to label everyone, but in case you're wondering about my dress, it's one of my friend's designs. And we will be marketing it soon. So the question is who's my man now, and whatever else lah. Here's a close up.

Yeah, he's indian/portugese, I know I know, I am the most bigoted racist there is around, but now I'm eating my own words aren't I? The most important thing however is that we are happy, it's ridiculous how happy we are. He is 3 years younger than me, but he's funny as hell, and a total metal head ( I mean along the lines of Nightwish, Dream theatre and what nots lah ). He's on par with me too, to those who knows me would understand this. I think he's cute. *giggles.

The trip to Penang was good.

Bryan

The view from balcony of our hotel room

My man, me and Saw Ee

I really have no idea on how to blog about happenings and events nowadays. I think it comes down to laziness.

3 months already?!!

2007-07-11T14:47:00.000+08:00

Yeap, it's been 3 months already, they ( I still have no effing idea who are "they" ) said, the first 3 months are the honeymoon months. I asked my man about it.

" Hey has it been 3 months already? ", I asked.

" Hmmm, yeah I guess so ", he answers while we were watching the telly.

" They said, the first 3 months are the honeymoon months, after which sofas, kitchen sinks and plates shall zip over each others heads in fits of anger ", I retorted.

" Who are they? ", he asked

" I don't know, just they, I heard from a few of my gal pals too ", I answered.

" I don't know, I've always thought of it as the kitchen sex phase ", says him.

" I thought that applies for newly wed couples ", I said.

" Well, think about it, we are already almost living together, so I reckon it applies to newly almost living together couples ", he said.

" Does that mean we will get into that whole, boring routine sex rut? ", I asked.

" Do you honestly think so? ", he asked with that cheeky smile.

" Hey do you know that there are people who celebrates their 3 months anniversary? ", I queried.

" I heard, now baby don't give me that look, you don't even remember when we started dating, and you probably remember my birthday coz it resembles the number on your covered parking spot ", he said.

" But..... but.... ", I said.

Btw, he is right, my parking spot is, 309, his birthday is 9 th of March.

The moment of truth

2007-07-02T14:07:00.000+08:00

I have to tell Mr Evil who I am seeing now, sighs, it's going to be rough. I can guess what he's going to say though " At least he ain't no wimp, but try not to scare him away kay, I need him to be around ".

What have I gotten myself into, baby if you see this, don't worry, I still love you, even if Mr Evil decides to hunt me down.

And Mr Evil if you see this before I have dinner with you later, I'm so sorry I wanted to tell you. But goddamnit damn scary lah wei.

International Surfing Day!!!

2007-06-22T18:19:00.001+08:00

Movie, later, that's our way of celebrating, and of course, they choose to release Surf's Up on international surfing day. Happy Belated International Surfing Day peeps!!!!!

Phrases that infuriates AND puts me in peels of laughter.

2007-06-12T16:33:00.000+08:00

" Hey stop doing that in public, you're not supposed to wave your hand like that to point out how small other women's boobs are ", says Viki the perv.

" Dude, how can you let her make you chop off your locks, where's your manliness lah wey?!! ", says Vig to mah man.

" Why not "insert mah man's name here", why don't date him? " quizzed Sham. ;P

" I am the professional cherry popper ", says Charm suavely. LOL.

" Why him lah? I was expecting somebody on par with you. " says Khairil whilst trying very hard to keep a straight face.

" So how's Made J? ", Thai asked, knowing fully well I'm seriously dating somebody and right after I inform him of mah man and me. Sighs.

" Fizz lah satu satunya perempuan, gi surfing pun ngan kita orang, kawan pun ngan kita orang, sekarang dah takder nak teman, sighs ", says one of the best bodyboarders around, upon me leaving indo earlier than normal.

" There's this new surfboard called FireWire.... ", Mark was saying when I piped in saying " Hey that's the parabolic balsa railing ones, bloody expensive, Taj's currently endorsing it ". The boys looked at me with that " Ohmygawd, why should she know that " look. Hey what can I say, I love the surfing technology and how far it has come from 9 feet longboards to super fast 5'11" shortboards.

" Tell her not to come over, I don't want to hang out with her, man, but if you come, I want to hang out with you ", says Thai again, which made me smirked.

" You're a groupie man ", says Thai yet again, upon finding out mah man doesn't surf and is a bassist, to which I answered " I'm a groupie for extremely funny men ".

" Yeah, I'll get you that new skateboard when I'm in Japan, anything else? ", Khairil being all accommodating and sweet ( which is very unlike him ).

" Woman, that looks good lah, wanna come here again ah? ", after oggling at my food for the past one hour Lyn.

" Oh yeah I remembered being sarcastic to those dorks by dancing ala hindustani style to their stupid and dorky sort of music ", Ana recaps to another friend. Hell yeah that was funny, especially the part you climbed on Bryan's suv and start dancing there too.

" Hey, I know this sounds weird but I love your dress ", says a girl to me whom I later found out is my junior from uni.

" Buck Angel, google it ", says Robert. Bloody hell, can't stop laughing already.

" Let's honk the guard lady at the uni, and make a get away, well of course we fail at doing so, because we didn't see there was a cliff in the front, thus after honking the sleeping guard, we had to make a 3 POINT TURN, yes a 3 POINT TURN ", says Aaron and Shawn at their failed attempt to pull a fast one.

" Boondock Saints rawks ", says us both, Shawn and me.

" Pfffbbbtttttbbbttttt ", while sticking out his tongue, says mah man to me.

" Pfffbbbtttttbbbttttt " I retorted.

" Having coke and at work, hhmm is that code word for sex? ", asked Vila upon finding out what mah man and me were doing.

" That's why pretty boys don't date you ", says mah man, when I huff and puff and tickle him.

" I love you and I know you love me coz you find me adorable and endearing ", says mah man cheekily.

Off or rather on the record, I'd love you even if you're just funny. By the way, " Pfffbbbtttttbbbttttt " is code word for I love you too, in that really bored voice. LOL

Last but not least " I shall name my band Still Cows Don't Kill ", mah man.

Sia - Breathe Me

2007-06-05T17:05:00.000+08:00

I heard it awhile back, then I heard it again in on of my Hed Kandi cds, last but not least, as the ending theme for the finale of Six Feet Under.

Boondock Saints is the movie to watch, both me and Shawn has agreed. Me and Shawn goes way way way back, like way back, prolly around 11 years ago. And he made me realized that quite a number of people that I didn't bother to keep in touch with like Angeline and Kris, are all a part of me. In a way. Though I do beat myself silly for forgetting Kris especially seeing that in 1999 on my birthday he and Angie drove all the way from KL to Ipoh to spend my birthday with me. I was in matriculation then, it was lovely, they were lovely.

Shawn being back from UK even for a holiday has in a way helped me reconcile quite a number of things in the past. But that's another story, another post. As for Boondock Saints, please go to Robert's blog for the review. He did it wonderfully. Another fellow BRAT.

I'll miss Shawn, historically he was my so called 'hubby', hahahaha. We lost touch, for a number of years, and fate has it that we would meet again. And that we did. He'll be leaving again, and hopefully my plans to go snowboarding around europe with him will happen end of this year.

Assiduous influx of events

2007-05-30T14:55:00.000+08:00

This past couple of weeks sees me and mah man, having and entertaining guests over at the pad on an average of once a week. Not complaining, however, we haven't been able to spend much quality time together. Reasons ranges from football matches, hanging out with the boys, hanging out with the girls, the jazz gigs, the family obligations and birthdays, the helping out of friends who are buta IT, the death of Khairil's father ( he seemed fine when I picked him up from the airport ), the long hours at work for me, meeting up with my old BRATs friends ( Shawn came back ) and so on so on.

Due to the availability of a proper guest room in my pad, it's no surprise friends bunk over, sides, I'd prefer hanging out at home with my mates, though I am renting out one room, so that would leave only 2 extra rooms.

Happy that other than Khairil and Thai, who doesn't seem to fancy mah man that much, the others have been nice and genuinely like him. Though I think it came more of a shock for the both when I told them. Oh well, I did tell them to play nice.

Now I'm a regular at a new bux, where what I drink is, Coffee of the day, of bold roast or extra bold, with a pump of hazelnut and a pump of vanilla. Yummy.

I even had a baby bat flying into my 7th floor pad, it looked so cute, and it was so frail, but mah man said it looked like a rat with wings. :(

Going over to the island as soon as the renovations on the other pad by the beach in the east coast finishes, gotta wait Khairil to settle it first. In a couple of weeks I suppose. Another break along with some peace and quiet. Great food, good company and the sun.

Plans of going to Japan in July with the brothers, but chances are I won't go, in the middle of projects, though the ticks are reasonably priced for return, 2.6 grand. That's sounds about right.

I was told to bring in the designer that has been designing my dresses and does my fittings. Cool, apparently quite a number of gals likes the dresses that I have been wearing. We'll see how it goes, we are in talks about it for the past few months. Just that it's been chaotic for me and things are slower.

I think today I shall go back early and not go for the CK launching. Bloody waste of media passes.

Balangan

2007-05-15T12:02:00.000+08:00

This is Balangan peeps!

Gorgeous, no? Serene and peaceful? Of course, without a doubt if you are a normal tourist. For surfers? Think again.

This is how it is like for us, from the beach to the point as you can see it's quite shallow even when it's high tide, it's riddled with rocky reefs, the beauty of this place is that it is slightly mellower than the Ulu's and The Impossibles, which pretty much is due to the combination of the point and the rocky reefs, on a good day, it provides probably the fastest, most epic waves, and possibly the most dangerous rides.

This was where I have gotten prolly the most prized souveniar as all my surf mates would say, plus the excruciating pain of applying lime onto the wounds as Thai has advised. Andre high fived me for the battle scars inflicted by the unforgiving waves of Balangan, whilst Marlon just continued eating his 'imported' wild boar ribs. Khairil made that knowing look and was about to say something when I said " Don't say anything ". The others just said, the best wipe out award of the year goes to me. I felt really embarassed by the fact that I handled the wave badly, but I felt abit of pride too, for having done it and getting battle scars for it.

This was my knee after a few days, would love to put up pics when it was bleeding all over, but well, I was in too much of a shock to camwhore for it.

Look at my huge toes, ahahaha, why the hell is it so blurry, ah fuckit, anyhow, if you squint a lil, you might see the gashes in my feet is healing. Well actually this is one of many all over the soles of my foot when you walk on the rocky reefs of Balangan, well actually anywhere that has rocks underwater, hhmmm reminds me of that jagged one I've gotten at quarry, my legs are pretty scarred by now.

My back, probably suffered the worst, heheheh, imagine having had to rub lime all over it just cause the nearest med supplies was like 25 kliks away, yeah to disinfect and clean the poison from the sea urchins out.

But I had a ball, you just forget the pain, and everything else, heck I'm scared as hell now, but it ain't going to stop me from doing what I love.

Had fun traipsing around Sky Garden with the gals, meeting friends.

It's the reunion of PSP Babe and PSP Boy, Ivan!!! Sorry, my bad for not being able to get you the proper do before I reached there. ;)

But the best would have to be when I stumbled across a friend that I haven't seen in awhile, wow, maybe like 2 years plus in the airport, Rory, he saw me looking at Godiva chocolates. I was about to pick one, when he said, " Hey lemme get you that, I haven't seen you in ages, as an early b'day thingy ". YAY, Godiva chocolates possibly the best in the world.

A stinking 48 USD for like what 16 pieces. But it was good.

Though the highlight would have to be having mah man picking me up from the airport and driving all the way up to the airport to buy these. Well I was kicking up a hissy for having an exquisite bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, broken due to my carelessness. Sighs. But he bought me these,

Oh yeah, btw I did have a french manicure, cool aye, but look at how delicious the choccies are. More choccies. So happy, well ok, I actually don't really fancy chocs but when I'm in the mood, I can just eat and appreciate them too. Luckily for Rory and mah man, I was in the mood. Mah man was awfully sweet, been quite happy with him. I appreciate the fact that he didn't like breathe down my neck by calling me ever so often when I was away, and somehow that time apart kinda made things easier, heck I even told Thai and the others that I was seeing someone. It has been good, though my mum did laugh her head off when I kinda hinted on who I was seeing.

Randomly sings...Costa Rica, costa rica here I come, hehehe and maybe with mah man along too, join Carmen and her man.

My love

2007-05-09T22:07:00.000+08:00

So I have a man now, he's mah man, it's been good, we've been quiet about it, and I like it that way. I so adore him.... wanna see his pic?

AHAHAHAHAHAAHAH, fooled ya didn't I? Who's that? It's Shannon Leto, the drummer from 30 seconds to mars, whose lead is none other than his brother Jared Leto, remember My So-called life, the show with Claire Danes. Yeap yeap, he's way hotter than his bro, my shannon that is.

The new look fits him too, he's on the far right. Heheheh, but in all honesty right, I do have a man now, quite awhile I would say, and guess what, it's been good, I see him often. He's funny as hell, he finds me amusing, not because I surf or anything else, but coz I have been so comfortable in doing so many idiotic things with him, that's good. Sex? What's that? Oh yes peeps, no proper sex yet. Though loads of cuddling, hugging and making out. At one point I was kinda scared, then all of a sudden it didn't matter anymore. You know what they say about good looks right? It doesn't last, but funny men will stay funny forever. And he's funny as hell, and yes, he beats you hands down Alang dear. You guys can have a face off at the island or cherating soon enough.

Bloody hell

2007-04-30T14:42:00.000+08:00

Due to last minute plans and me being last minute all the time, I was forced to leave on the 2nd instead of the 1st with everybody else, well at least, they'll carry my boards there first. Hehehehehe. Goodie. Will be sending them to the airport with all the boards first, then one of them will pick me up from the airport once I reach there. Good thing about the change in time, I won't have to rush around like a mad person to settle everything. ;)

Off topic, Mr Evil gave me a piggy back ride through Midvalley the other day, Cheng Hon upon seeing that stated that and I quote " I also want, I also want ", unquote, of course we told him to get it from Alvin, which was really funny a dude giving another dude a piggy back ride. Coolest bit about piggy back ride was nobody in the mall found it weird or stared at us bunch weirdly. Mr Evil carried me quite a distance. Mr Evil is strong, bijaksana and lengchai. ( Psstt I am obligated to state that, LOL ).

Anyways, there will be a mentawai or nias trip in august, I reckon, I could drop by bali then to see Carmen and surf with the gals, before I leave for the mentawai trip. Just hardcore sheer surfing, cool, no partying and just the waves. I kinda detest partying nowadays, over and done with I reckon. I don't mind gigs, or events, but no more clubbing man, and somehow, I only have taste for wine nowadays, which doesn't do jack to me, and that's why I love it. A glass a day, that's what I have been practising.

I'm itching for the waves man now, gawd I could almost smell the ocean breeze.

Si je suis un pecheur, la chevalerie me montrent la maniere d'aller

2007-04-24T17:53:00.000+08:00

Actuellement je suis dans quelque chose que je ne devrais pas etre, je sais que je suis lie pour etre detruite plus que toute autre chose.

La vie est si etrange, le travail est-il encore plus dur, la vie d'amour ? Non existant. Mais c'est la vie ou j'ai figuree. Je vais de nouveau a ou la moitie de ma vie est. Je ne sais pas elle va avoir lieu comme ce temps autour, mais je ne m'inquiete pas.

Il a appele, texte et email. J'ai repondu a aucun. Je ne suis plus confortable avec lui, il veut etre autour moi pense. Mais il ne peut pas me donner de ce que j'ai besoin.

Je veux etre libre et errer le monde. Je me sens vide, je veux surfer jusqu'a ce qu'il y ait aucun demain.

De ce que j'ai besoin est un battement vers le bas. Pour etre souleve, haleter, a desoriente. Je dois sentir mon coeur battre perilleux pendant que je me tiens sur le sable chaud mou, attendant pour barboter dehors. Pour pouvoir se sentir effraye et etourdi en meme temps. Etre jete en l'air autour de l'eau du fond. Le besoin de puissance persistante et impitoyable de cela qui vient avec etre un masochiste interieur en neoprene. J'ai besoin de toute la cela.

Mes poumons sont aleses de la fumee inhalee des cigarettes et des routes. Ils desirent ardemment pour etre etires et inondes, apporte au point de sauter. Mon esprit est alese du bourdon des expositions d'entretien de matin et des personnes m'entourant parlant. Je ne vois se deplacer de bouches mais aucune voix etant emiss dehors. Mon corps a ete donne des sedatifs par les nuits et les loisirs en retard. J'ai besoin d'eau comme j'ai besoin d'air.

La ma vie et amour.

Aggresiveness and being bullied

2007-04-14T16:22:00.000+08:00

I reckon that if any of my friends were asked to describe me in one word, they would use aggro or aggressive. Which is true, by nature I am a very aggressive person, and this is probably due to circumstances more than anything else. At one point of my life I was rather a doormat, I hated it, it made me misreable, more than anything. Over time I learnt to be very straightforward and blunt.

I wasn't kidding when I said to my new employers that I don't put up with being bullied, I'm not so diplomatic when it comes to answering to the call of being bullied. I do not under any circumstances condone to bullying a person or a company. For me more than anything, I believe in defending my developers or the people that work for me, I will not side the client, and in that sense I was told by one of the greatest bosses I ever worked for that I am rather a loose cannon. I do not cater to things that is deemed as not right, even in good will, because I believe that you'll be mollycoddling the person or client when you do so and they will step all over you.

I don't see why is there a need for us to let issues or problems by the client slide, when they clearly nit picked at all the mistakes or issues occurs from our end. But that is the asian way of doing business, I didn't have to put up with this when I was working with Atos Origin nor Schlumberger then, being all MNC and stuff the culture was very different. But I can understand why they were able to do that, as they were big enough and loosing a client means nothing seeing that they were catering to a rather niche market. Having said that however, how in the hell are we as a company supposed to be taken seriously when we let issues and sheer negligence on the client's side slide?

We have done more than our fair share when it comes to aiding them, and the thanks that we have gotten was nothing. More often than not we find the asian clientele prone to hanging an ultimatum which is not justified at all. Being threaten with phrases such as " You are answerable when it fails " for an issue that's clearly not ours, is part and parcel of working with an incompetent crowd. Diplomacy doesn't work in cases such as these, because these people do not understand the idea of holding responsibilities for one own's actions.

For that I am called aggro, which is fine in my books. The reasons I believe in all this issues occuring is nobody has really stamp down their foot saying " Enough is enough ", I for one has stomped down, new I may be, but naive and stupid I am not. I don't have the need to be liked to do my job, as I am holding responsibility over my work unlike others.

So the story is.....

2007-04-09T14:27:00.000+08:00

After a couple of weeks over that incident, I'm ok, granted that I don't like talking about it. So I ignore alot of people who have heard from others who saw me being violent for the first time, asking and prodding. Alot were angry over what happen, while some decided to take a neutral stance in it seeing that the culprit though how wrong he was and still is, is a friend of theirs. I have stopped wishing death and physical suffering on him a couple of days after the incident. But does that mean, I won't seek out my vengeance? No, one thing I have always practised from the old days was, never revealed who your allies or contacts are. Be discrete about it, the world is small of course, but it always is with your own help, so that in turn doesn't help at all when it comes to getting things done. And I have always prided myself in being able to hatch and plan a devious plan without getting any trail leading back to me. The money, the life, in short everything I have attained have somehow or rather been a product of such a manifestation.

I might not be able to hurt him in order to stop the cycle of violence inflicting on people I care for, but I can make sure he hurts in a non violent way, its either through him directly or through the people he cares for. Somehow the later option is more fitting, as it hurts more when a person sees their loved ones paying for their evil deeds.

I don't belive in the whole " Don't stoop as low as whatever " schmuck, I believe in getting it done with finesse and smartness. Coz at the end of the day, how you inflict your vengeance portrays yourself as a person, and I'd rather be thought as manipulative, conniving, cunning and a heartless bitch than using my fists, because physical wounds heals, but emotional wounds lingers on. As my favourite saying " To err is human, but to get even is divine ". Though I do know I would've been able to send him to ICU had it not been for Bryan.

Berserker's Barrage

2007-03-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

Or what is also known as Berserker's Rage. To attain this state of psyche and physic, it was thought that Scandinavian Berserkers imbibed a type of mushroom, to give them the rage and anger to be able to fight it out in war, and of course to totally lose it too.

I realized one thing, it doesn't need mushies, toad skin's excretion, or even alcohol to be at that state. It just takes a man trying to force control over you and do the wrong thing on you to incite all of these. At that moment, you are angry enough to held him by his throat, squeezing, feeling him gasped for air and pushing him down on the floor on his knees while punching his face. It just needs adrenaline, and do you feel pain then? No, you just see red everywhere, and you know you wouldn't stop hasn't it been for your big bro holding you, while you scream " I'll fucking kill you, even if it's the last thing I do ".

And then days later, you just gave up, coz nothing will change what he wanted to do to you. Nothing.

The sun, the beach, the lake, the people and the photo shoot

2007-03-20T01:09:00.000+08:00

Not used to travelling with a whole bunch of people, that a wrong call of judgement was done on my end. I call it a stupid mistake, somebody else says it's just a wrong call, no biggie. Riiigghhtt. It has been awhile since I've posted any pics, especially when there are quite a number, but I kinda like holding them to myself. Like me and rainy walk man. This post however, marks a new career path for me, a new beginning, so there are pictures.

Anyways most fav line of the time is " Jelly man, meet offspring, offspring, meet jelly man ", of course you have to have the whole surfer twang to it too. Don't really care if people think I am ditzy as hell, my career says it all.

That's me and my CEO, chief Entertainment Officer, LOL. So again, I had the sun, the beach, with an addition of course, the lake, a nice warm turquoise emerald green body of water hidden in the midst of some mountains, the wakeboarders were friendly and accomodating. So I started wakeboarding there, it was kinda tough at first being so used to surfing and skating, without holding on to any cable, so being binded to a board shorter than my snowboard on water was scary and exciting to say the least. It was painful too on my upper body, the amount of strain and self control I have to assert just to lock the cable to myself.

Having all of the wakeboarders being all nice and more than willing to teach was great, I had like numerous wipe outs before I actually properly took off, and the session was ended in a good note, with a couple of beers and talk about boarding sports.

But the highlight would have to be when I took the bike out on a ride from Patong to Surin beach which was like 20 over km away for the photoshoot, the ride over the mountains by the coast was exhilarating. The view was breathtaking and having your psp playing Jamie Cullum seemed fitting then. Sighs.

The shoot went on great, though I was tired having travelled all over the place, nearly missed my flight.

This pic was taken by my temp photographer, I have always failed to go around places like a tourist doing tourist-y stuff, so having a temp photographer helps. In fact more than one occasion the locals have always commented I don't act and look tourist-y enough. Funny bit was a pic taken when I came off the charter boat, and walking down the pier, the boys gotten ahold of it saying that it was too priceless seeing that I was looking tired and annoyed like a diva supermodel. Hahahaha very funny boys. The beaches were gorgeous just as how I remembered it in the past. But it made me missed Indo more than usual, my mates there, surfing and just chilling at the Balcony. The people from Indo and Thailand have always mistaken me as being one of them, Indo I can understand, but Thailand,,,hhmmm phhiiiuuuwww kapuing!! As Alvin would always say.

Seeing that the group I was with needed a tour guide, a tour guide was given to them, upon going snorkelling, the tour guide looked at me, asking me why am I not joining them, and I just pointed out to the dingy ass boat they were loading into, and he just commented " All you pros, you are so used to big luxurious charter boats or ciggerette speed boats that you won't do this ". I laughed of course, because it was partly true, and I hated small slow boats coz it has always made me sick.

But Phuket also reminded me why I stayed away from it, the sleaziness of it all, it's just too overwhelming, I love other islands, but Phuket as I've said once is one of the oldest whores around. Too old and too sleazy by far, probably that's why I was having so much fun riding my scooter to remote areas everywhere as opposed to staying in Patong. I love Kathu, I love Surin and Kamala. It has a certain quiet factor to it.

Contrary to what others think I'm doing in the pic above, I was happily having a joint actually. The charter boat too was great, I stayed on the top deck most of the time, walking around talking to people. It reminded me of the charter boat trips I had before. This whole trip made me realise one thing, that I am capable of a lot of things, that I miss the ocean more than anything, that the only reason I put in so much at work is to be able to stay and spend more time at one with my friends.

I can never stop all my boarding sports I reckon, it's what makes me alive. I'm glad that I have alot of opportunities to do so this year.

The sun, the beach, the lake, the ocean, the surfing, the wakeboarding, the travelling, the great company, the chances to do so, in short, the highs of my life.

To that person, who had wanted to be a part of my life, this year, I'm sorry, but it's not within me, to have you around constantly. I don't answer to anybody and that includes you. I don't love you, never said I did, and you saying it doesn't change that. I am no novelty item for you, not something for you to brag to your friends about. I'd rather him, who has always treated me as me. I can't have him and he can't have me, but we had that moment, that rainy walk. One that you and I never had and will never do. So I'm sorry again.

Going, Going, almost there

2007-03-14T00:11:00.000+08:00

Leaving again, holiday and photoshoot (maybe), just as I was about to settle down from all the travelling be it out of the country or within. Then of course, there is that private function invitation which I have forgotten all about now, have to remind my date about it, and of course another excursion to a private island. Probably will be spending alot of time on that island though, seeing it is free of charge for the most part. Now I need to figure out a way to work this business of ours out. Rather not say anything about it now, for fear of jinxing it.

The other thing I need to figure out, is how am I suppose to disappear for a whole month soon from work. Unpaid leave? so early into the job? Maybe I could go there towards the end of the month, the cali guys would be there by then, and my dear Chicka would be there too. Kill two crowds with one stone? More like several stones.

I have to figure out another way to market the new line too, heheheh, didn't expect that aye? Yeap, I've become quite the business lady now, with two ongoing business projects in the making, hopefully with a new cook show ( in the midst of fundings now ), and of course, with the help of a certain music store, the marketing of certain indie acts.

Everything's been quite slow and tiring, but one doesn't throw all these opportunities without trying right? Don't get me wrong I love my day job, I do, handling and managing minions as I like to call 'em. If all my plans doesn't work, at least I can say I've tried, though two of it look definite.

Time seems to fly when you're having fun at work and off work, well actually time just flies regardless of whether are you having fun or not. It's already March now, wow, in a month's and half I'll be gone again. Waves then will be whetting my appetite, aaaww don't get me wrong, I still surf, hell if I ever stop it. In fact all of these opportunities is due to surfing in some way or another. Cool aye?

SMS

2007-03-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

No no, we are not talking about that lame ass sms dangdut song. Rather, a text I've gotten out of the blue, especially after what I said about the player being outplayed.

Imagine my surprise when I received the text, and well I figured, well it's just business, nothing more or less, imagine my surprise when I received another one. I wasn't in the mood to answer, neither was I in the mood, when I saw later on while being on the phone, an email has been sent to me by him.

As Alvin said, he just wants acknowledgement that I have received his texts. I figured that I shouldn't bother, it doesn't matter about who he is, or how cool his parents are to me, or how great of a surfer his brah is.

I'm weirded out more than not.

Nightmares

2007-02-26T11:22:00.000+08:00

Been having them since I met him, sighs. I mean how fucked up can that be, ever since he held me while sleeping, sleeping ok, not anything else, then. I woke up so many times in that few hours of sleep we had, he slept like a log, probably tired due to his flight, he was jetlagged. But still it's been that faithful day till now, that's the most fucked up part about it.

A friend asked whether did something trigger it, knowing my history, and when I relate the matter aforementioned to him, he just sat looking at me quizzically and asked " Do you still harbour any subconscious guilt over the matter? ". NO! At least I don't think so.

It gets worse when Mr Evil suggested that I might need sleeping pills, coz I need to shutdown everything and sleep properly. He also suggested the notion of black magic and schmuck like that, to which I just pooh-ed over. Black magic indeed, Bah! Hocus pocus shit, the mind believes what it wants to perceive and physically can inflict the body to believe shit like that.

What's horrible about it, I keep on seeing pain and chaos everywhere, and it'll end with this dude or person or something, trying to cut me open, and I swear to god, I could actually feel the pain going through my body physically.

The mind perceives what the subconscious feels through dreams. I see it as trouble, something I definitely don't need at all. I have to stop this soon. I believe in science, and I think, it's a sign that I am not getting any better, the coughs are back, and so are the chest pains, the on off fever, the difficulties in breathing, and the vomiting. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me, it's no point fighting already, and that I should just give in and give up, that unlike other times, this is very different, I won't be able to battle this out, I won't win, and He will. Maybe I should, and just stop fighting all at once. At least one of us can be happy.

Why do we need a person as the voice of reason?

2007-02-23T13:04:00.000+08:00

Had this long ass conversation with Steve last night, and finally told him what actually happened, and it ended with me saying, " So the player has finally met her match, and been outplayed ". He just agreed.

He did however say that the guy is a really good guy, given the fact that I was being cold hearted and oblivious about what was happening, plus he is one of those men that by reputation you don't mess around with, especially on home ground, or rather his turf. It didn't help matters when you know for a fact how influential his family and best friend is, both for different reasons, one being the local mafia squad and the other being a rather prominent pro surfer in the world. It makes one ponder on why, especially when Steve pointed out the obvious.

" You don't get men of that background, to kiss you on the cheek, tell you he'll call you the next day, after the way you acted, being all cold and unforgiving, he could've easily made life horrible for you had he not cared or loved you, you have to remember dear, half of your life is there, as much as half of your life is here, he might not be there as often as you, but others can still make life hell for you, doesn't help matters you're on good terms with Riz's crowd too, Riz is his bro, and even when you're not there, they know we are your mates, they can make it very ackward for us, yeah babe, he is a good guy and you know that too "

I swear to god, normally I can't remember what a person reprimind me of, but Steve's words did hit home, and I know he thinks I'm probably one of those most inhumane person around, but you know what, that's what you do to avoid trouble, I know he's a great guy, but I do know other things too about him, and I know that I will never be the kind of person to be seen as important enough to him when he's away. Coz in a way we are both the same, and that alone scared us both.

Towards the end, I would just say this to him ever so often, " I know why now dear, it's to remind me not to ever be as so fucked up as you ". And he neither nay or aye it too.

Daymn

2007-02-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

Daymn, I've fucked up my foot again man, aaahhh the price to pay, sighs. No surf this weekend in east coast, I feel deprived already, I think I gotten used to walking to the break every morning and surf. Oh well, hopefully with all the ongoing projects, I'll be able to surf travel every month even if it's for the weekend. I do miss blogging about surfing, and alot has happened, but somehow surfing now is something really personal for me, I have without fail dissappeared on every weekend to surf for the monsoon. I'm going to miss it, it's coming to an end soon, too bad it's also flat in Phuket in March, sighs, free trip but cannot surf, blardy hell man.

Waves are kicking in

2007-01-25T11:10:00.000+08:00

The waves are kicking in, apparently the forecast over last weekend wasn't so right, but then again, what with the earthquake up in Japan, not so surprised after all.

Today's kinda like my last day at work, it's been a funny couple of days, Shin Yi stayed with me from Sunday till last night, where else her papa has been staying in the other room from Monday night till today. Sent her to the station last night, before her papa and me went out to have bak kut teh. Kinda weird being around him, what with not having her around.

No, we are not seeing each other, good thing bout us being surfers, is there is no rules, I mean, as he's said, we can hang out with each other, sleep over at each others' place, hug, kiss, cuddle and all of that without having the preassure of having a relationship. Which is true, I don't feel the preassure of trying to please the other person, in fact we openly talk about things, which is a nice change to the senseless mindfucking I've accustomed myself to, don't get me wrong I still enjoy a round of mindfucking every now and then, but I'd rather just like feel comfortable and not be so much on my guard when it comes to this kinda things.

That's why with them, I feel so at ease, I don't need to step up my game like I do when it comes to corporate men. There's no need to categorised what we have, nor label it, which is when you think about it, a hell lot easier of maintaining then labelling it under any relationship lingos. So it was quite easy for me to just stay at home with him, and watch the telly, though it was funny when he said, " Right, you watch The Mummy Returns with me, and I'll re-watch American Idol with you ", Deal. In fact we both watched Grey's Anatomy together. To which he finds it very amusing, when I said, I will make a great boy, to which he just retorted, " You'll be an even worse player than Khairil, if you were a boy, I mean you'll be getting different babes every night man ", Cool. This came about while watching Grey's Anatomy about this tween girl who had testis instead of ovaries.

Somehow I realized that, it's fun, being in this what society would call limbo, coz it's neither here nor there. I see it as us being us, like normal, a part of my life which I've always liked and loved, my friendship with my guy friends. It's simple, uncomplicated, honest, easy, no mindfucking needed, no defenses needed, basically I don't feel threatened. It's peaceful, albeit of course there's drama here and there, but well shit happens. But it's still peaceful.

Funny bit though, over bak kut teh, we find ourselves talking about our dads whom maybe knows each other, and my work, and his work, and how haunted T9 is, hehehe, he experienced it himself.

Need to pack up my stuff, today is officially my last day, feeling rather lethargic, what with the surfing and having guests over. Waves are in, so toodles!

Destination: Undisclosed

2007-01-23T15:56:00.000+08:00

I'm getting sick of KLCC, and Hugo Boss. Saw this adorable pair of shoes at Miss Sixty, 30% off, comes down to 4 hundred plus, tempted, in fact it's booked by me, but still am contemplating on whether should I get it, seeing it's a bit overpriced for a pair of Miss Sixty's. Regardless, I'll think about it.

Though I love the new mascara I've gotten, all this while I have been using the Estee Lauder Magnascopic or something along that lines mascara, somehow this time around, I've decided getting the new Estee Lauder Projectionist. I don't need to use curlers at all, incredible and superb seeing I have this ridiculous fear for curling my eyelashes with a curler. I know stupid ain't it.

Shin Yi's been staying over at my place, found out quite a few things about my irritating suitor, hahahah, evil as it seems, I really don't care much about this, kinda scary, in fact it's a turn off, when he said something along the lines " I'll be travel surfing abit the next few months, then we'll see how it goes, how WE do, coz I want to be there with you, so I'll move there ", it freaked the living daylights out of me. Riigghhtt I know, everybody thinks that I'm leading him on, believe me when I said, I told him off so many times, in fact nothing has changed, I find his ardour and diligence rather amusing though. Nothing prepared me for this next line, " I know there is going to be a WE, an US, so I would really like your cooperation on this please ", talk about being cocky as hell. " Oh, I do know about your ways with men, in fact everybody knows about it in the community, but it doesn't matter to me now, though I hope you'll change it ", MUAHAHAHAHAHAAH rrrriiiiiittteeee, since when do I ever listen to men, lest one who's younger.

Though Steve and Shin Yi was shocked as hell, when they heard me telling him to buzz off, when he asked me what I was doing, and I said driving, and he said he'd rather call me later when I'm not driving. Yeap, I told him to buzz off, or rather I just snapped at him, to which he just said " Hey, I don't appreciate that, I was just concern over your safety what with you driving and talking on your cell ", well buster, I don't fucking care. Yeah, so came along a guy who can actually put up with me telling them to fuck off, so here it is, what do I say to this? I want to amuse myself, seeing how far he can be stretched. It's hard especially when he doesn't stay in Malaysia. But it's fun as hell.

But someone last night commented something about it when we were watching House together on the sofa, snuggling with each other, " What do you think the guy would do if he knew we are both happily being like this watching the telly? ", my answer: fuck it, not my problem, if he asks I'll just answer. To which he replied, " But you do know that we know each other right? ", and I just said " And your point is? ", to which he just shrugged and gave up on the topic.

Shin Yi started calling me and that someone from last night, papa and mama. Riiigghhhttt, though, according to her during lunch,when she bid good bye cheekily to him seeing she WAS supposed to leave for Muadzam,( she didn't though ), he said " Papa belongs to mama, don't kacau kacau ", hhmmm... funny coz he was just walking beside me to go to work when this supposedly happened, oh well, I don't know.

Funny bit, my relationship felt apart in early november, his felt apart in late december, I know his ex girlfriend well, though she's not around in Malaysia anymore, it's still weird having her ex around me sometimes. He taught Shin Yi another way of moving on is having flings, and I agreed. Not everybody can do it without feeling remorseful, it takes a certain hardness to do so. Though I do wonder, where do me and him stand, seeing yeah we are quite affectionate to each other, but we haven't said anything about flings or anything, in fact other than being affectionate we didn't do anything else. Oh well, sooner or later a talk will come about, come what may.

Oh yeah, as for the title for this post, heheheh, goodbye Malaysia, from next week! ( *crossing my fingers hoping it'll work out ) for awhile at least.

Comics

2007-01-22T11:54:00.000+08:00

I love comics, I can spend hours by myself at Kinokuniya, just reading comics, mind you we are not talking about spandex wearing tight undies on the outside superheroes comics'. More rather towards a particular genre whereby compelling tales about rapture, fear, carnality, desperation, doom, history, spirit, and occasionally salvation, that somewhat have made a significant dent and influence in the 60 over years comics' history kinda of comics.

Neil Gaiman is one of many comic writers that has dabbled in this somewhat wildly imaginative and downright radical side of the comics' industry, including others such as Jamie Delano notable for his Hellblazer, and Dave Sim of Cerebus fame to name a few.

So what does all of these writers, Art Spiegelman of Maus, Dave Sim, Chester Brown of Yummy Fur, The Hernandez' of Love and Rockets, Jamie Delano and Neil Gaiman of The Sandman piece have in common? It's the way they all had brought in mythological plots, devices and characters to their ever splendid examples of graphic storytelling. It's an intricate design of stories delving into mythos and somewhat more often than not the political, history, and subconscious level of the human pysche.

I could go on and on with this, but one thing's for sure despite the dark morbidity harboured by all of these comics, it has somewhat taught me a thing or two in a rather sick and twisted way but good in a way too. I grew up reading The Sandman, Sin City and Hellblazer, Fantastic Four though I had a few never really caught my fancy, it was never the super heroes fantasias imbued with extraordinary power, gifts or sometimes curses and saving the day stories that nicked on my interest long enough. My first comic was an old 1960's edition of the classic X-Men, an old edition which was given to me by my dad, which has some differences with the current Uncanny X-Men, such as Jean Grey was known as Marvel Girl, and characters such as Wolverine and Storm was actually introduced in the 1975 and later editions, after having the 1960's editions cancelled due to low readership. The history of writers were long, ranging from Stan Lee of Spider-Man to Chris Claremont of the current Fantastic Four. Nevertheless, X-Men did caught my attention for awhile, while I was happily guzzling other comics, but soon enough I found a redundancy in the ever growing industry of graphic novels, it seems that people were more susceptible to latching themselves onto the 'someday we will all get salvation and be saved' concept. In a way it reminded of their faith in a higher entity for salvation and the need to be saved. I was only probably around 10 or 11 then, having tire myself of the endless tirades of heroism, despites the drama injected to all the comics.

I was in search of a new genre, one that was different and that could still open up my mind on a different level. Having said this though, I was only 10 or 11, I would not have been able then to put this boredom ever so eloquently into words as I do now, but I was bored of it being mundane. My dad came back, from work one day, holding a newspaper or bulletin of some sort, me being the curious kid I was I went through it, and soon stumbled upon a piece, a review written for The Sandman, I was delighted, needless to say, I basically forced my dad, who was tired of travelling and working, to get it for me. Now this was hard in the early 90s, as comics are not easily available, but my dad managed to get it for me. And as they say the rest is history, it started out with The Sandman, and went on to Hellblazer and so on. It was probably the most painful time for me when I read the comics and it was ending in 1996 if I'm not wrong, but it was inevitable, as a poet once said " A story can't be told, Until a story's done ", thus end The Sandman run.

It's years ago, and I'm still happily reading, re-reading, because graphic novels such as these, is deciphered and comprehended differently when a person is in a different phase of their lives, and this is probably the biggest and most notable characteristic of such a genre.

I spent a good couple of hours scouring Kinokuniya yesterday, while waiting for a friend, in search of that illusive comic that might give me the same passion for The Sandman, mind you not as a replacement, but as something to go on by and enjoyed though on a different level. Though The Sandman has ended, with the original Morpheus allowing himself to die, I will always remember the night when I saw that review that has brought me to love graphic novels such as these, call them whatever you may, comics or graphic novels, they are what they are, stories and tales, fun subterfuges of deities, characters, sharing the same space and dilemmas.

Scrutinised

2007-01-19T15:53:00.000+08:00

Had a phone conversation with a friend, told him about how fed up I am being under scrutiny about how I run my life. It's damn the tiring, it's like the only place I can talk about things is on this blog without having ppl trying to tell me what to do. Shhheeesshhh.

Told him about the latest thingy, and he just commented, " Wow, you're quite selling it huh? ", not funny lah joe, when some of the boys found out about it, they laughed and teased me about it. And started dishing out advices, hey peeps, I have a reputation to uphold here ( what reputation?hahahaha ), I say no go, means no go lah. Some said I should try to give the dude a shot, and one of them actually commented that the guy is good looking. Well, he's alright I guess, comes within the territory what with that bod of his. Another laughed like a hyena. Needless to say, if he wakes up from his sleep now, and decides to come back to Malaysia, the boys will teman him. Daymn. Don't come, don't come.

As I've said to my friend over the phone, it ain't going to work, first of all, I feel really preassured already as it is, what with the teasing and stuff, secondly I don't do relationships, thirdly, I just want to be left alone, I don't trust men anymore, they have a knack of taking away things from you, regardless of how you defend it.

Some of the boys reminded me, that it's not going to be the same with the last one, BAH, bullshit! It will be, and I ain't shortchanging myself man. As I've said to my friend over the phone, why should I shortchange myself by being with men, who can't give me what I want, and makes me feel so bloody useless, I am no fucking trophy man. I do have a mind, a pretty smart one I'd like to think. So let me be, with everything, if I want drama I just need to hang out with the boys at OC or Bali, it's freaking everywhere, and I can just be a fucking spectator.

Whatever, I'm outta here.

Boat Trip

2007-01-18T11:18:00.000+08:00

Boat trip!!!Boat trip!!!Tioman!!! hehehehe, how much more of this good life can I get? One can never get enough of the good living man. I'm practically living in several different states every week. It gets tiring of course commuting everywhere, but hey on weekdays, seeing that I have officially tendered in my resignation, I have nothing to do till next week at work, and it will be a long stretch of holidays before I start work in February, then 3 months of working like a mad person, before the long holidays in Bali again with the boys.

Plus, if everything goes well, hehehehe can you see the dollar or rather the RM signs in my eyes? Ka Ching Ka Ching...y'all. Money, it'll be a good side income project, plus it'll help with promoting the surfing community in Malaysia, of course it would mean that one particular person getting most of the limelight, but wahey it's a joint project. If I play my cards right, I'll be both project manager and production manager.

I'm pretty sure it's a surefire way to work things out financially for everybody involved, the show has everything, the dude ( which believe me, has tons of women throwing themselves at him, except yours truly, for the reason I don't see why women throws themselves at him, but he's an alright guy ), the show, the gimmick. If it works out, dang, travelling to all the exotic places at a lower cost. Money!!!

It's been a pretty weird week and all, I probably costed both of my feet while surfing, it was ridiculous really, though my right foot seem to suffer the most, with 2 open wound gashes on the soles just near the toes. Ouch! So didn't get into the water much, especially when I did, I felt like maybe a gazillion things biting the fleshy bits of the wounds I've gotten. Scary shit I tell you, when the sea water looks like air kopi peng. You can't see jack man.

The weirdest would have to come from this person though, " I am interested in you, it's like I like you at first sight, I know that sounded like a whole load of crap, but I am being very honest, would love to get to know you better ", bro, if you know me as well as the other boys, you would steer clear of me. There's a reason why I'm still single and don't retain relationships. And this one just wouldn't work, because one, I hardly even know you, two, though I find you quite a looker, I just don't feel anything even as a fling, three, I don't play fair, four, we live in two different countries, regardless of how many times you come here and hang out with all of us, it doesn't matter because I don't believe in it. Oh and five, you were right about me having alot of guys around me, and believe me, IF I think having a relationship will remotely destroy this fragile ecosystem I have with them, I will bail. I've a history of doing so, coz I don't like rules or regulations set in a relationship. Plus, the bit about you wanting to be there for me every second is rather suffocating. Now I wonder which one of the boys knows about your infatuation with me...hhhmm.

The good thing about blogging about this is, heheheh, he wouldn't know how I feel about the whole situation, and though I have so far been avoiding flings, yeah it's actually happening, I still like being affectionate to the boys. Goodie, so far my resolution is working. A friend asked why am I not interested, easy, I don't want any trouble man. I hate trouble, I like watching trouble, but I don't want any for myself. I know it's weird, but believe me when I say, I had enough problems of my own to cope, I don't need additional shit, or men going all defensive on me. I realized that during my last, all I can think then was what the hell am I doing? I was falling for him, but I couldn't commit, I know this when I started acting really badly, like really badly, yeah of course I want affection, I am quite an affection whore, though I was very hurt over his lack of affections, I was also thinking how am I supposed to retain my affections with other men. Though he wouldn't mind, but it's only human nature that after awhile a person will mind, especially one with a history of cheating women on him. See logical aye. I'd rather have my male friends showering me with affection than my boyfriend, coz boyfriends have a tendency to take you for granted, bail on you and hurt you.

And they act as if they bloody own you, talking to Steve the other night made me remember the amount of abuse I've gotten from one particular one, the amount being taken for granted from another and how most of them wants me to understand them only. It's embarassing really coz it just shows that I wasn't good in my choices of men, I need them to need me, and now seeing that I realised that, I don't want that anymore. I mean if you can't realised your mistakes after having one slapping you in public a couple of years ago, and the same one taunting you because you either got sick or hurt during work, there is something seriously wrong with you.

Fact is, I don't want men like my dad, yeah he can be abusive, I grew up watching it, where there was one occasion, my dad was so angry, that I saw the first time in my whole life, he hitting my mum, this was a day before my SPM chemistry exams, and in actual fact he wanted to hit me, and she came in between and became collateral damage. Over what you say? Over the fact that I had a fight with him about his family, my aunts. My mum was slapped and had my dad pulling on her necklace, as if he wanted to choke her. Well me being me, of course I punched him. Needless to say, things has been pretty strained between us both ever since, even though we both tried, I can't really forgive him for that. I went to my exams with no emotions nor signs of shit.

At that time and age, the only kind of abuse that registered with me was, physical abuse, I never knew mental abuse till I myself went through it. Basically my self esteem was shattered into pieces and upon me recovering it by working he didn't like it, and I cheated and ever since then I have learnt to play around. Granted that there was that one love, but I'm happy to say that it was good while it lasted, and though it was painful, the break up couldn't have come at a proper timing. So now, any man, that is deemed as stoical and cold, I will give them hell, I no longer want to sell myself short, why should I? Why other women who knows nothing but spend their boyfriends' money and be so dependant on them can get affection and support while taking all of it for granted? It's not fair, but life was never fair, but still it doesn't mean that I should sell myself short. I hope some people would understand this, coz I damn the lazy lah wanna explain. Hahahahah. Don't get me wrong too, being affectionate to the boys doesn't entail in sleeping with them, and not all is so bad between me and my dad, but I have learnt to cope with men like him, they don't deserve much from you. Hahahah.

Bengong Mu

2007-01-16T16:41:00.000+08:00

Bengong Bengong, what do you do when weird shit happens? Like a sudden interest in you as a fling from a guy whom you never thought as anything more than a friend, and you rejecting it, and both still OK with talking to each other. Cool. Then another friend whom is a close gal pal's of your's boyfriend being affectionate towards you, but of course nothing else happened. And a sudden interest from a guy who you just maybe spoke to like a couple of hours, whom was very honest and straightforward about wanting to have a shot at seeing you, regardless of the distance between each other. Sighs, it's getting weird. You're drifting further from your girlfriends but you're closer to all your guyfriends. You are seen hanging out with one or the other every other day. You behave like them, talking endlessly about hot women, like Giselle Bundchen, or that Megan brunette chick from Guess 2003/04. Making plans to Bali, booking tickets. With them. You behave like them too, by stating things like " out of a hundred surfers 99 of them plays the field ". That's true.

Yeah, I miss my girlfriends, but well, I guess things happens. It's weird, it's bengong. Then making plans of having another project as side income, which if actually works, would definitely do all of us good. Gawking and touching a certain royalty's not so visible stitches on the face due to a brawl happened during Xmas. Having the Satu Suku Gang want to party at KL. Can see them in action in getting girls. See, I'm thinking like a boy, but truth is I'd rather have men than women. So I think I'm straight, I'm sure I am.

I know I'll miss the monsoon alot once it's over, it'll be back to the drudgery of work. And spending exorbitantly just to travel surf. But that's the fact, swell's not coming in the next 2 weeks I think, then it'll come back for abit then it'll dissappear for abit. Bengong, oh bengong. Oh and I envy this particular person who nailed Dalia Amor. See thinking like a man. Finding out the reason a friend thought I was married, seriously, sorry I didn't nicely inform you about the whole shit that happen. And 35% at Hugo Boss, discount. Yay, coolness.

Same Shit, Different Year

2007-01-11T16:06:00.000+08:00

" So how was your new year celebration? ", an acquaintance asked.

" Same shit, different year ", I mumbled.

It's true, looking past the glitzy partying, drinking, celebrations, fireworks and other schmuck, has anything changed apart spending a good part of the year laughing at the inadequancies of the government. Really cracks me up, from keris wielding malays, to adopting mat rempits strategies. RRRRiiiIIGGhhhttt, while half of the world is belinguered by all form of socio economic issues, starvation, pollution, psychopath killers, malaysia has decided to spend the taxpayers money sending astronauts into space to play batu seremban, and do teh tarik, and lets not forget instead of helping out SPCA, by adopting animals and volunteering, a plan was drawn out for us normal citizens to adopt the degenerates mat rempits. BRAVO!!! Good for you, now we are the laughing stock of everybody, heck even those bloody predecessors of convicts, the Australians are having a field day laughing about this, STILL.

But, apart from all of that, it has been an amusing 2006 for me. I lost a few friends, I gained a lot more in turn, I found myself, I lost myself in my career, I found a new career, I got sick, still am sick, but that hasn't stopped me from striving. It has been a weird roller coaster ride I would say, I learnt that I lack the tact to be sensitive towards others, too straightforward and blunt, the result: some favourable, while others not so. So one of my resolutions is to try to be more empathic towards other regardless of how miniscule the problem might be to me. Oh yeah I do have resolutions. But I'm not the type to have resolutions just cause it's the new year, but just so happened certain events has made me come up with a few.

So basically, being honest or rather bluntly honest is not really appreciated, telling a person they're annoying is not good, discarding people just cause they bother you is not good, telling a person off once for being rude is not good either, basically whatever that you do, you have to do it with tact I was told. People are not meant to be used and discarded at whim, rather than telling a person off, you should try to sort it out in a less blunt way, albeit, by being quiet or hinting on certain things. So in short I need to be more sensitive, coz as an older soon to be ex authority said, being honest is good, but you have to take note of how the other person feels too, and you are the minority, who can accept people bluntly pointing out your flaws or calls you a bitch to your face, coz you lack that care or conscience that would otherwise make you very human, just coz you lack this, doesn't mean others lack this too. So be tactful.

She is one form of authority I would listen too, knowing that she was during her younger years like me in the present sense, makes her a better guide for me. So I'm taking note of that now. Resolutions I would say, is something you can do for yourself at whatever time, or moment. It can be a life defining moment, or a comical moment, it solely depends on you. For me, well, lets say it's an accumulation of a whole lot of factors.

Old habits die hard, I don't need to say that, the need for adrenaline is always there, if I'm not surfing, I'm ramping the park near my apartment on my freebord, if it's not that, I'm running, if it's not that I'm now trying out parkour or rather free running ( trust me, it's hard, when you try to flip on flat land, and learning it by trial and error by yourself ). Do I have a death wish? Neah, I just want to do everything and experience everything and push myself to the limit. I might be sick, I might be in pain for the most part, but if there's one thing that I've learnt about myself, is I do not back up from troubles or pain that is given or 'bestowed' on me by God. I've learnt to defy what my religion forced me to accept, even if it means, losing myself. Some would say I'm just asking for it, but hey, it gives me the most sense of pleasure to be able to shove it up screaming over the cliff, " Give me your best shot!!!! ", after doing a flip on my freebord with the dull aching throb emitting out of my lungs, painfully. At one point about 2 months and a half ago, I felt like giving up, and I did for awhile. I whinged and cried about it. But no more, a person asked me before if it hurts that much why do I still push myself that hard. Because revenge is sweet when it's served cold, when by right and logic, you're supposedly the underdog, who's a loser and won't be able to beat this, but you did.

So my resolution is to retain my willpower to help me through this, and true to the words " Give me your best shot!! ", He did give me more, and I would graciously take all of this, suck it in, the taste of blood, phlegm and bile no longer bothers me, in fact it actually becomes the catalyst to push myself even more. It's no longer a problem for me. So again, give me your fucking best shot!

My next resolution, hmmm, somebody said I'm quite a good joker, upon saying this,

" Cutting down on flings, it's getting boring, and mundane ", I said.

Needless to say he and another gal pal, laughed like the skanks they are. Sighs. I've got reasons, they're my own, and something a lil kid said to me that kinda lingered around for abit. Plus, it's getting messier too, what with my last fling, wanting a relationship and commitment. Sighs, somehow when you think it's easier if they're older, it somehow doesn't work out that way. So yeah, companionship, seems like a good option, maybe. 'Sides I had too much fun, way too much. I realized that when I could sit across a few of my flings from the past on different occasions and still be on the bestest of terms with them, hanging out with some, being friends with some. It's more than I could expect, for that I'm grateful.

So is there anything else? Of course, balance my work and my need for adrenaline, stop feeling so pissed at people who doesn't understand and just prove myself, work to be a better professional, be a good surfer by surfing for fun and not to be aggro, freebord till my lungs screams in pain, flip, run, leap, turn, cartwheel till I am satisfied with my balance, be more tolerant, tactful, try to achieve mutual understanding, laugh more, read more, but most of all never give up for what I want. And chill. Somehow the song, Remember the Name by Fort Minor comes in mind.

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill,
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will,
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain,
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

Flip, run, leap, turn, slide, bleed, cuts, pain, emotions, hurt, joy, and most of all the high of having adrenaline! Peace out peeps!!! and Happy farking New Year, 2007!!!!

When you have a problem with authority, be one by working towards it

2007-01-05T13:01:00.000+08:00

" I have a problem with authority ", well, that was what I said when I spoke to my boss. So it's finally ending, my work with AO's Consulting and Systems Integration.

" Better late than never ", well, that was what my boss said to me, upon me stating that I realized that being a jack of all trades as in development is not my thing. I tried and I failed. So what do you do when you failed? You move on in search of something that you can do and is good at. Luckily for me, I kinda figured out what I'm good at.

I don't blame them, anymore than I blame myself, but this is a career move on my end. We don't gel as a team, I don't get along with them, as my boss said, it's prolly due to age differences or maybe upbringing or maybe differences in working style.

1 year plus with a team, that you don't feel you belonged to, is more than enough for me. Granted that they're good at what they do, but I still believe in streamlining work, whereby a programmer does hard coding, a systems analyst comes up with systems integration, the infrastructure person does the IT infrastructure, and so on and so on.

Besides, people changed through time, I have, and I have lost alot zest for work in the past year or so. This new job is a great opportunity for me to climb up higher and have a change of environment. Of course, I'll miss the old company, but I wouldn't be given this kinda opportunity ever so often. A new position, a new company, a new way of living, more cash yeah, more responsibilities, the future somehow looks so bleak for me, even though I have a job waiting for me, it's just weird leaving something that has been my environment for so long, but for the year 2007, I want to be happy and not deluged by working ethics issues. I spent the better of 2006 searching for myself, and I'm still doing that. But I'll be damned if I don't do anything about the rut I put myself in terms of work.

So what are risks if I don't learn to take them again? So the biggest risk of the year, taking the role of authority and making it work. That's how I cope with how I rebel against authority, be one of the authority themselves.

Phrase of the day

2007-01-04T12:04:00.000+08:00

Something I've learnt from Brandon Freeborder,

Bulimia. Twice the taste, zero the calories.

Blardy hell, fucking funny.

Speaking of funny, there was once, not too long ago, a mate of mine asked on the kind or types of men that I liked, or get attracted too. Funny is the key word here. I like lame jokes cracked by men, it's not because the jokes are funny, it's mostly because the men who cracks it are not embarrassed for cracking lame ass jokes. Granted I love a good joke too most of the times, but cracking lame ass jokes and making it work till everybody is in peals of laughter, now that's what I call hitting it big.

Of course it doesn't mean I want a prankster or joker at all times, some guys just don't know when to stop being lame, and some guys are just too bloody stoical to even notice if a fucking bird flew overhead and pooped on him. Balance would be good, but that is wishful thinking, though I was lucky to actually stumbled across a few, whom are both funny and serious when needed to be. Being able to hold a decent conversation too is good, there's a certain amount of similaraties for 2 person to be able to talk about stuff. While blogging about this, I do have a guy in mind, of whereby he is a great conversationalist, a really funny man, and knows when to be serious when needed, though he is abit too much of a party animal, but I guess it comes within his territory.

What I noticed about him is that smart women really like hanging out with him, or dating him. I can't really blame them, he is a funny guy, and easy to get along with. To be honest, he's one of those guys which I don't mind having around 24/7, yeah they are guys whom you can have around alot. They make you feel so comfy that everything just falls into place. You don't need to entertain them, and when they're broody and moody, well you can somehow bear with it, coz you know they're the type that bounces back, to say that he is an optimist is by a long shot, he's a realist I would say, though sometimes bordering on pessimism, but somehow it works for him.

I know it's weird to get attracted to a person who cracks lame ass jokes, women finds that detestable, at least most of them do. For me it works, the only men I remembered fondly were men who made me laughed the most, even some of them tore my heart the most too, but somehow its the ones that strikes a balance between funny and serious that lingers on. Had a few, good for me, I'm still chummy with a few of them, though some were just flings, but we're cool with each other. The stoical ones somehow I forget them through time, for the most part actually, I can't even remember how they look like, or was like. Indifference I think is how I described about it.

But it really is up to individuals on what floats their boat. Some like dark and broody men, coz they portray an air of mystery, some like the light hearted men, coz they're easy and simple, some like theirs complicated. I like mine funny and balanced. I don't like broody, let me do all the brooding not him. So here's to a year full surprises and funny men. Of course, of a few additions here and there hopefully by this year, a plasma in the living room, great speakers, a change of decor, more travelling, and of course hanging out with my funny men.

Fairy Tales

2006-12-29T14:51:00.000+08:00

Far from me being the kind of person to read fairy tales, I actually picked up one over the weekend, Angela Carter's Book of Fairy Tales, by which The Observer said, " Trumps Grimm, with a world-wide selection of savage and funny stories ". Needless to say I was intrigued, by the usage of the word savage. Of course if what you had in mind was the senseless happily ever after schmuck that you get nowadays which hold the seal of the Grimm's fairy tales, you're in for a surprise then. Savage is not used to describe the recent development of fairy tales, more like docile, demure, happy and unreliastic to the point of absurdity, very appropriate for kids of course without a doubt, used by parents to either help or assuage the feeling that slowly gnaws at them that their kids will soon grow up and soon be as jaded and cynical as the next adult. Fairy Tales, or rather tales of the old, were in actual fact very barbaric, savage and crude to say the least. The main idea behind all of this, was to instigate fear in people, so as that they would have proper guidelines to abide by. Thus explains the whole chopping of legs, sacrificing love for nothing, eating of children and yada yada. But through time, as I've said, all of it has change to give children optimistic views on life.

So I picked up the book, with the hopes that it does trump the original Grimm's fairy tales. And true to the words by The Observer, yeah, it pretty much homes in on the whole savagery bit. Though the tales by the Innuits, were very disturbing to say the least. One fine example;

Once there lived an old woman who desired her son's pretty young wife. This son was a hunter who often would be gone for many days at a time. Once, while he was gone, the old woman sat down and made herself a penis out of sealbone and skins. She fastened this penis to her waist and showed it to her daughter-in-law, who exclaimed: ' How nice...' Then they slept together. Soon the old woman was going out to hunt in a big skin kayak just like her son. And when she came back, she would take off her clothes and move her breasts up and down, saying: ' Sleep with me, my dear little wife. Sleep with me...'

It happened that the son returned from his hunting and saw his mother's seals lying in front of the house. ' Whose seals are these? ' he asked of his wife.

' None of your business, ' she replied.

Being suspicious of her, he dug a hole behind their house and hid there. He figured that some hunter was claiming his wife in his absence. Soon, however, he saw his mother paddling home in her kayak with a big hooded seal. Mother and son never caught anything but big hooded seals. The old woman reached land and took off her clothes, then moved her breasts up and down, saying: ' My sweet little wife, kindly delouse me...'

The son was not pleased by his mother's behaviour. He came out of hiding and struck the old woman so hard that he killed her. ' Now ', he said to his wife, ' you must come away with me because our home has a curse on it. '

The wife began to quiver and shake all over. ' You've killed my dear husband, ' she cried. And would not stop crying.

Gross ain't it? This is actually one of few Innuit tales I have come across while reading the book. All of the stories always had this whole penis made of sealbone thingamajig in common. I don't know about you, but that's not classified under savage at all, more like demented and bordering on psychotic behaviour.

But my point about this is that, the olde tales were really sick and demented, and honestly now blogging about it just makes me feel sick too. I'll edit this when I have the stomach for it.

Theory proven

2006-12-28T16:20:00.000+08:00

Had a discussion with a friend recently about Friendster and MySpace. About how girls with good pics is a bloody magnet for pervs especially when their profile is for public viewing. So we decided that she would put her Friendster profile for public viewing and I will put my MySpace profile for viewing too, us both being avid surfers, it's only inevitable that our pics depicts us having fun albeit in either beachwear or partywear. No sooner had we put it on public, we have gotten some really serious perverted messages. Which just proves to say, when I retorted the other day on my lack of initiative to use both Friendster and MySpace, it's short of advertising oneself, of course I am contradicting myself seeing that I do have both spaces, but I do have reasons of my own for having them.

Though it is funny that they would think that they would even have a chance of having a proper conversation with both of us, but it was amusing reading the leery and perverted messages nevertheless. They lack tact, charm, suaveness and above all the confident to actually be decent people or players for that matter. Which brings me to the topic of suaveness and charm.

Last night over drinks, and oohhh the best vodka I had, damnit Eric and Ryan, you guys are spoiling me, we talked about playing around, fooling around, cutting a few notches, flings, whatever else you kids calls it nowadays. Eric by nature is a suave and charming man, being 36, having went through his own soap opera drama of a life, he's pretty jaded and lackadaisical over matters close to the heart, and really doesn't give a fuck and a half about what others have to say. Ryan on the other hand is a self proclaimed 'innocent', bah yeah right. Anyways, the topic of playing around soon came out, when me and Ryan has observed Eric relentlessly 'investing' ( is what he calls it ), in this chick over the phone. Needless to say I would like to think that somebody gotten lucky last night.

What does suaveness and charm has to do with playing around or having victims as Ryan so aptly coined it? Easy, the nicer you are to a person, and charm the person with how smooth and confident your words are the easier you get what you want. Don't believe me? Girls, how many of you have fallen 'prey' to guys like these, who talks you into bed with them? Hahahahah, quite a number I know. But I would like to say this in defence of men, not because I adore them, coz truth is, I believe in if you can't beat them join them shit, Men are bastards! Yeah I know I'm not defending them now, but here's the clincher, Women are stupid! Hell yeah we are. I said this aloud to both the guys last night, to which they just agreed coz they're male chauvinistic pigs. But wait a minute before any of you people or rather men and women who are my friends and reads this blog, and feel like slashing me into a thousand pieces for having said so, let me explain the logic behind the 'Men are bastards, but women are stupid' bit.

You see, men are bastards for not telling the women what they really want, that all they want is probably just a good shag or a fuck buddy or whatever that comes to mind for all victims. Women are stupid because they don't recognise all the tale-tell signs of a player, having claimed most of the time that they believed in true love and it's special, yada yada. So? Where does that leave us now? Aha, my logic in avoiding all of this horrible name calling is by honesty. Oh I can see jaws falling agape, and people berating this rather idiotic idea, especially known players. Truth is, by laying all your cards on the table be it as a player or an 'innocent', we can all save the trouble of this, the uncalled heartache, the crying, the player feeling smugged about his or her latest conquests, etc etc.

For example, a male player meets a woman, they're attracted to each other, he tells her he wants nothing more than just a good shag and fling, she can either refuse or agree on whatever grounds she has, but when she agrees it is totally by poor judgement if she decided that she might be able to change his ways and then when he leaves cries her heart out. So players be honest about what you want, for the most part I will say most of you are never honest about what you want in fear you might not get what you want. I say having no trouble to cope with clingy and sobby victims is way more peaceful and fun than having to put up with that just coz you're horny. And to the victims, heck don't get yourself involved unless you also just want a shag and the exact same things the other person wants. Coz people don't change for others. Chuck that misconception out kay. It doesn't work that way.

See, logical and simple. And oh to players who practises honesty, don't feel bad when the other person totally derails from the original agreement, chalk it up to bad judgement on that person's behalf, and well walk out unscathed. For the victims, look, it has already happened, what do you do? Just move on, coz karma does work, and it will bite the person in the ass, and for the most part, you will most probably be there to witness the downfall of said predator. Take it from me, who was once a victim, yonks ago and now a practiser of logic when it comes to fooling around. Not to say I will not get my just desserts, maybe I already have, maybe I will, but every actions there are repercussions and knowing that makes it all better for me.

So where was I about suaveness and charm? Oh yeah, it helps having both, it really does, heheheh, it has worked so far. But to women aye, you gals do know that being a player for you gals are like stealing candy from a baby? It's easy, way more easier than men pulling it off. Saying this to both guys, it was no surprise when they both agreed. Though I would say, I think Eric is a far more experienced and better player than yours truly.

Again, what was the whole point of all of this? I forgot. Oh yeah, my love for vodka. HAHAHHA.

Finally, somebody else has articulate it for me, cool.

2006-12-26T18:24:00.000+08:00

Miss Izzy said it perfectly in her post;

And I quote:

" I think this is something a lot of people don’t get about me. No one I’ve dated has ever really understood that I’m not a lying, cheating sort of person. The previous relationships I had, never worked out because everyone I dated knew I wasn’t exclusive. But that’s because none of them asked to be exclusive. And then they accusse me of being untrustworthy. I mean, what do people expect? Is it so hard to open your mouth and ask someone for something? And is it so hard to stick to a thing you said? I know we’re not machines and talking to someone isn’t the same as pushing a button that says ‘make me behave like this’ but while I know people have vast latitudes for what they think and feel and fantasize about, I know we’ve only got one body and I think it’s what you do with it in physical space that really matters. And you can push buttons verbally for that. At the end of the day, it’s either you do something, or you don’t. And why should anything else matter? I don’t know. Man. I fucking know it kind of matters to other people, and to me as well… I like sitting here thinking that even though I’m alone at the moment, there are people out there that love me. And I’m glad they are thinking it, and the intricacies and complications and the nitty gritty details of the matter don’t matter. The fact is, they are thinking about me. And of course I could be a total loner and imagine all of that, but that will be just like trying to imagine mermaids exists just because you’re not in the ocean. You know.

Maybe not. "

Unquote, Miss Izzy of the Sarong Party Girl fame.

Problem is though, when you were asked to be exclusive, and the other party refused to behave in a way that's accustomed to exclusivity. So where does that leave one person?

This holidays, yeah I'll admit that I spend it with my family, a friend from penang and an interview. Yeah it gets lonely, when most of your friends are either attached or surfing at the east coast then, but you cope. It's not the end of the world. But loneliness does have a way of catching you off guard, I still stand by what I believe, and that is, I will do what I can to make myself happy and trouble free. It's sad to be depending on others to provide joy and amusement to you, but it's even sadder to have a person around just coz the idea of not being lonely is ever so appealing.

Oh the interview? Let's just put it this way, I may have chewed more than I bargained, in a good way. So here's to a new year full of surprises and hopefully a new job as Project Manager. Woooohooooo!!! More me time for surf holidays and more me time to grow as a person, a surfer and a good manager (hopefully, lets keep our fingers crossed).

p/s: have this sudden need to bomb the hills...heheheh.

Treasure hunt

2006-12-11T19:14:00.000+08:00

" I reckon we should have a treasure hunt in your place one day ", said Mr Evil.

" Let me guess, you haven't even unpacked most of everything ", lil boy said.

" Woman, you should unpack and look through everything, and you'll find tons of stuff ", all my gal pals said.

" Have you even bothered checking through all your paperbags? ", Mum asked.

" If only you are abit more organised then you wouldn't waste money and time doing all of this ", an old flame said while I was running around haphazardly trying to get ready.

Right, I am guilty as charged, for having a rather lax attitude towards belongings. In the past, I had this really bad habit of buying stuff and leaving it at the foot of the bed, and running around to get ready to go out again, or I am again late for something, by the end of it or everything, the room will be a mess and I will clean it albeit super fast and chuck all the paperbags containing stuff in the cupboard or the makeshift cupboard I used to own back in the old days, without even going through the bags thus forgetting about it. Luckily for me, I do have some of my mom's genes other than shoe shopping, that is to keep paperbags.

So again, it was no surprise when I sometimes, or rather quite a number of times this year find make up or clothes that I never wore in my paper bags. I.e, my birthday do last Friday, while talking to my pals about what to wear, I was again contemplating buying new clothes, that is till one of them said " Mix and match dear, learn to do so and look through your stuff too, you might have a few stuff here and there again ".

And oh boy, is she right. I found my entire set of pareos, a few earrings, and a diamante choker which I have never worn before too, and I haven't even went through everything yet. But I did find something that was perfect for that night. A cute short denim mini from Zara, and a black top with strings of pearls attached to it, making it seem that I have a really nice long necklace. Contrary to popular belief, the top is marvelous and chic, and I don't need to accessorise, it doesn't look datin-ny at all, I wouldn't buy that kinda clothes lord forbid. The top and mini combo looked good especially with my stilletoes. The mini understated the top nicely, and the stilletoes, well lets say, it feels great to still be able to look at my legs, albeit the scars and scabs, while thinking it still looks alright.

So my new year's resolution is to be more organized. Now where did I leave my pink boardshorts and PSP at? Hhhmmm I have a sudden urge to go and kidnap some of the gerbils that belongs to Charm's neighbour. Neah, I'll probably misplaced them too.

Oh Oh and, I was given a short makeover, now I have nice eyebrows and a better way of applying make up too. Thanks to the day out we all had on Saturday.

Mr Evil did say something about my top though. " If you can misplaced the attached string of faux pearls, you're really something ".

Why thank you,* curtsies.

Note to self: If ever lose surfboards, will personally put self in the worst sort of trauma, by watching ugly ass obese people wearing bikinis at the beach and burn eyes out. Or watch Jay and Silent Bob for the one millionth and one time, the part where Jay stuck his dick in between his legs and starts singing. Funny but traumatic nevertheless. Reminds me of Dogma somehow.

The 2nd Birthday Celebration

2006-12-08T15:32:00.000+08:00

It's my party and I'd cry if I want, cry if I want to.

First part of me turning 25 happened in Cherating 2 weeks ago.

Thanks to my babes, Kim and Charm, the second installment, the KL part 2 is happening tonight.

It ain't going to be big, but it's definitely high up there, as in Skybar.

Too bad, big brah and the others can't make it, but they made my birthday in Cherating something not to forget and not to mention, terte as in water and tepung filled thingy. But I'll be seeing and staying with big brah this weekend, if I'm not going down to Singapore. AAhhhh, Ferry Corsten and Steve Lawler. Utter bliss.

This is indeed the life. On and 18 year old kid, history. What can I say, I don't have the time nor the energy to layan an 18 year old. Cute though he is.

Yes, a nice haircut makes a whole lot of difference.

2006-12-05T11:35:00.000+08:00

She walks in through the doors leading to the adjacent section outside, and saw him. He had his hand over his face, and was shielding his face from her outburst of laughter. She walked over and ruffled his hair, or what's left of it. And she laughed. He was giving her the resigned look.

" Yeah, I know, I looked bloody gay ", he says.

" Oh my god, your locks, all of it is gone, what were you thinking when you did this? ", she asked.

" Hey, it wasn't me, it was that stupid gay dude who gave me this haircut ", he retorted.

She spent most of the evening laughing at him and telling him that her interest has definitely dawdled to a mere nothing now. He was getting flustered. They ate, and she chided him for being such a snob, while he kept on saying it was her who has been such a snob. He corrected her ever so often, whenever she said, it WAS a fling, by saying it's still is. As she has said, her interest has tapered off quite alot. Again he was getting quite flustered.

They walked around abit after dinner, around the bookstore, for a fling she thought, he's pretty good company, albeit a bit young. He was getting flustered again, he tried to kiss her, and she stood there stoical.

" Aaaaww, interest right? ", he muttered.

She was having fun seeing him squirmed, and being the person he saw that right through her.

" You're being cocky now, I don't know whether it's the way you're walking, or by that smirk on your face, but you're being bloody cocky now ", he said.

" Mmmhhmmm ", she replied.

" We'll see later, when we get back to your place ", he said.

She ignored him and continued walking. After awhile or so, they decided to go back to hers. In short, he made the effort to instigate her interest. Though the running joke for the night was, how much turned off she is by his ghastly hair.

Yawns...

2006-12-04T17:28:00.000+08:00

Tired. Sickly. But very much alive, thank you. And really really have chilled out.
Waves, fucking gnarly in Kijal, but fucking huge overhead close in glassed waves in Quarry.

Am I feeling better now even while being sick and having wiped out like maybe a gazillion times in Kijal and wreaking vengeance in Quarry? Hell Yeah!!!! So blardy stoked man!

Wow I'm on a roll today

2006-12-01T15:18:00.000+08:00

Story time. Now.

" Arrrrggggggghhhhhhhh, screw you guys, man ", she screamed.

She had just been floured and splashed with ice cold water.

" Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!! ", everybody retorted.

She looked like the bride of frankenstein ( if he ever lived long enough to have one that is ), a far cry to just a few moments ago, when she was leaning against him, and he was massaging her head, due to horrible headache she had all day long. He was laughing now, and she was drenched, and was trying to figure out a way to get all of them. One of them, suggested that she goes lean against everybody and rubbed the flour off with them. Needless to say it was funny.

She decided to leave the bar, to go back have a shower and remove all the gunk in her hair. Being the vainpot that she is, all she could think of was how much hair she had to desecrate to totally remove all the flour. Sighs. The owner of the chalet she was staying, helped her out, it took hours and hours, but finally everything was done, and she looked into the mirror thinking out aloud, " Daymn, there goes my locks ".

She went out of the chalet, to see everybody was still happily talking and making fun of everything. She saw him being there, and sat beside him. He smiled and said,

" Now that's alot better ain't it? ", he said.

" Yeah right, just look at my hair, it looks wretched, and only god knows how many have to be pulled off ", she answered.

" Neah you look fine, your hair's alright still, it's just wet ", he said.

" Yeah right ", she said.

" Trust me, when it dries, I'll show you it's still thick, I did promised that your headache will be gone tonight right? And it did right? ", he said.

" Remarkably, yeah it did ", she answered.

She went to the kitchen, and he followed, she started making herself coffee, and they started talking and laughing. Occasionally he would leaned over to tickle her.

It was getting late, and they were told to move from the kitchen to lounge area, seeing that the owner's kid was getting into bed.

They started talking with everybody, making occasional jokes here and there, and she translated most of what they were saying for him.

" It's nice having a translator for once ", he says.

She smiled.

Soon everybody was leaving, leaving only the both of them. They were still talking and making fun of each other. He tickled her again, and she avoided it, when suddenly,

" I'm going to be impulsive now ", he said while leaning over pulled her closer and kissed her.

" Why? I mean what was that for? ", she asked still feeling his lips over hers.

" For being cool, and proving what I said is right, that your hair is still thick as normal ", he said. And he kissed her again.

End of story.

When you're in between good and evil

2006-12-01T12:51:00.000+08:00

Evil: Break said 18 year old heart with no mercy.
Good: He's a sweet young and naive boy, wholesome, lets not destroy him for others or worse turn him gay.

Evil: I resent you for punishing me for the cheatings of your previous gf, and I do have wandering eyes. I have been honest about that.
Good: In all fairness, you do have issues, but so do I, we need to sort this out on our own before taking the plunge, and you're ok in fact. Not a dissapointment as you think I think of you.

Evil: I love leading the non monogamous non exclusive thingy that I call life.
Good: Till when am I going to be like this?

Evil: I don't believe in relationships.
Good: I have to have a bit of faith in people.

Conclusion: No frigging idea
Space: I need more and more space now to figure things out.
Love: Prolly, but I disacknowledged anything that will make me lesser of the woman that I am today.
Surf: Always, anywhere, my life. Take it or leave it.

My hawaaiian looking brah: You have the whole package, you surf, you're smart, you're attractive, you're fun, you cook really well, and you're cool, whats the problem then with having someone? There's no shortage in men, you have them at your beck and call. Why not try it out with one of them?

Me: Everything about me is, brah. Everything. Coz it's just an illusion of niceties before you really get to know the person and find irreconcilable differences, and the whole equation is therefore screwed. Forego the trouble. Yes, I do think like a man. I did learn from the best.

Listening to: Dj Tiesto ft Andain - Beautiful Things

Flings!!!

2006-11-30T19:16:00.000+08:00

That's it folks, flings. I'm back in the game for the time being at least. Monogamous rut scares the bejeezes out of me, and I don't fucking care what others have to say. At least I am having fun, call me a player, call me a slut, call me a bitch. But once I said it's a fling, it IS a fling. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe less though. LOL

Oh don't get me wrong, I do have a fucking conscience now, fuck lah, and maybe one day I will settle down. But for now, it's I don't have any fucking faith in men. So too bad if I broke your heart. I did say from the start not to get attached to me right.

So here's to the beginning of a good monsoon and losing that fucking conscience.

" Oh my, you do have a conscience dear " she said.

I am fucked. Oh well, time and tide waits for no man, or woman for that matter. So let the games begin, and may the best man or woman wins. But first I have to remove this blardy conscience of mine, starting with of course the 18 year old kid. If I can bring myself to do this, I can do anything. I am so going to hell man. Plus there is a certain novelty to raising up the bar in the Toyboy international corp we have right girls? It'll be the first, but heck somebody has to do it, and I am going to enjoy every moment of it. Similar to cutting a few notches to the bedpost for the guy aye? Only that the tables have turned, it's women doing it now. Oh of course health comes first, I'm clean, and the thing about expats is, when they are travelling they need to do a check up. And well lets say I'm not so worried about it.

Companionship

2006-11-30T13:03:00.000+08:00

" I've just had too much flings, and having companionship feels way better "

No, that's not me, but having said that, most people would have suspected maybe late 20's to mid 30's to be saying that. I would have thought so too, have I not seen his learner's license, 1988, yeap peeps, he's 18, a year older than my baby sis. Scared me, scared the hell out of me. Especially when, he went

" I'm going to be impulsive now "

and leaned over and kissed me. No, no I am not a cradle snatcher, he does seem to be very mature for his age, having said that though, I really don't have any inclinations, to go any further than that. Well, hell yeah, he's cute, endearing, funny and a great conversationalist, I mean we did spend alot of time together, talking and laughing. Contrary to popular belief, no, I didn't boink him. But the idea of being as in being with him, scares me.

Of course, I am attracted to him and his charm, as he is to mine, but we both know that I'm not in it for anything else than just to fool around, in fact I haven't exactly been doing that either. I guess it comes down to, I did the stupidest thing ever, the decision to walk and be alone. Well of course I miss said 31 year old, but I am also happier by myself. I don't want trouble, and relationships comes with trouble. I already have way too much drama happening around me without me wanting it. OC lah, guns lah, sick lah, kinda tiring, but heck at least it ain't boring. At least I know the dramas are due to others. Like last 5 days for example. OC oh OC.

Companionship? I don't know, the only person I did ever thought of being able to hold down a relationship with, I decided to call it quits, coz it was scary. Soul searching, is the way to go about things, that's why I decided not to talk to 31 year old till I'm sure of him. But it doesn't mean I won't have flings. In fact having flings gives me a clearer view of things, and what I might want. So far, I have been pretty happy being by myself, so far. Maybe this is what I really want. But others would say, it's not what I want, it's what I need. Oh well, lets see how it is.

Bambrekmok

2006-11-28T13:43:00.000+08:00

New term...well not exactly, seeing it was fully utilised during my stay at "OC", don't ask why we call it "OC", going back there this weekend.

To make a long story short, I shall do it , ala Secondary school essay expansion style.

Arrived late night
Driving range
Meets the aussies
cute eldest son
hung out
gotten dragged into the Malaysian version of the OC
cooked alot
birthday OC style, flour and water all over.
the scandals, the drinking, the low surf
the lepaking and laughing with cute eldest son
the impulsiveness of cute eldest son
the lazing around and chilling
the walks by the shoreline
cute eldest son penchant for being random and affectionate
cute eldest son and drama mom left for KL due to drama
somehow ended up with taking care of the sister
19 year old rugby cum surfer car got tampered with
brawl between one royalty of johore with one sad ass fucktard royalty of pahang
royalty of pahang flailed a gun later on
dragged big bro hawaaiian bryan of the brawl
cops came, siding one or the other party
decide to settle with said culprit
next day lodge report due to owner's kid safety
and a whole load of other things
not to be forgotten malaysian pro taken advantage by adoptive mom, yes SEX between a 50 year old and a 17 year old.

It has been surreal and dramatic, and of course the first few installations of the OC, malaysian way!

I hate beamers

2006-11-20T19:51:00.000+08:00

Imagine this, speeding down the highway from the causeway just so that you can reach back in time for the ending tasks of the Kerang Project, sure, speeding is great some would say. Especially in a 5 series. FUCK THAT!!!!!!!! For the umpteenth time, I don't like leather seats, they smell funny, they feel funny, they make me sick. All the time.

Why the fuck do you think I don't get into beamers, benz, and other what nots. Not when for the past god knows how many hours you spent in a car vomiting your guts out and having bouts of rashes on everywhere conceivable by mankind.

Yes, Charm, I know I should see an immunologist, I will as soon as everything is done, 'sides it's not like I will be getting into a beamer or benz anytime soon. Well maybe. Don't know.

It's the chemicals they use to treat the seat, it must be. Or it's my psychosomatic reaction towards Sam. Whatever, whichever.

I am tired, this whole working through out the whole time for the past couple of weeks is killing me, not to mention the special tasks that needed to be carried out.

Some of the boys are back, YAY!!!!! Next year Hawaaii, heheheh...somebody will be staying there soon, ahahaha, then its working to just spend winter in Hawaaii to watch the Triple Crown.

I know what I will be in the future. Hahahah, aint telling ya. What I can say is, it's getting there, through pain and grit. Well of course, lets not forget the whole left lobe failing bit, but I think I'll survive, kinda cool actually, if I actually make it.

Hmmm....being a cusp right that would mean, that I would have to read both the scorpio and saggitarius horoscopes, and this is fucking funny. This is the gist of it.

Scorpio: The first 20 days of november basically suck. The last 10 days joy joy and fun fun.
Saggitarius: The first 20 days of november joy joy and fun fun. The last 10 days basically suck.

And I quote my fishing buddy, plus so called "I idiotically spent RM400 so as that my lil boy can watch Barney the other day" proud father of one :

" Daymn, no wonder you're so screwed up, and twisted, you're fucking stuck in between "

Thanks alot Danny, may one day a phreaking huge ass Toman come and swipe you across the face for puncturing his lips ever so often.

Yeah, I go fishing at lakes nowadays, trying out this stupid system they term as " Catch and release ". Well judging by how vicious and ugly those tomans are, I don't blame the whole catch and release shit.

Anyways jam subsided already, time for me to hit back home. And call it a night. No more blogging, no more rubbish, lets just sleep and dream of the comps.

Bloody hell, international roaming bills sucks. This is becoming very routine already.

Surf Comp poster

2006-11-20T00:46:00.000+08:00

I aint around now but for this I will, and this weekend of course.

Ahahahah, I am turning 25, dang I feel old now, kinda hard to forget your birthday when coincidentally the comps are during the same weekend. Bryan!!! you are so not going to get me pissed drunk. And sorry for ffk-ing you peeps for ages, especially after the downhill wipe out. No, it's not coz I was seeing somebody, hardly saw much of him anyways, it's well work and well, needing to rest and kick up my stamina. And stop calling me boeing 747, I am not that bad kay. 'Sides I think I'm way hotter than that piece of junk.

SURF'S UP BRAHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember

2006-11-15T20:55:00.000+08:00

I remember the days when I used to blog relentlessly.
I remember the days where I would go on for days without sleep.
I remember the days when everything seemed all peaches and cream.
I remember how lost I felt later on.

I remember the day when I had my 7 stitches.
I remember the day of my first wipeout, and what it brought me.
I remember the day when everything felt apart on me, and the day when I realised that life was so much easier after that.
I remember being good at what I used to do.

I remember how you reacted to my battle scars and scabs. Oh how you laughed at it.
I remember the taste of your lips against mine.
I remember how you taste, smell, and feel against me.
I remember how you made me laugh.

I remember how you scamper about for my allergies,
I remember how you held me,
I remember how you look thoughtfully as I push poofter playfully like a sack of potatoes,
Wondering wistfully on which is cuter, me pushing poofter or poofter.

I remember the first few signs of it,
I remember how worried and at teether point I was,
I remember how I felt once the diagnosis was out,
I remember how grateful I felt that Charm was there with me when he broke the news to me.

I remember thinking, Oh God, I can collapse and die any moment,
I remember how she held my hand through it all,
I remember the feeling of helplessness,
I remember the feeling of losing faith and hope.

I remember the intense sharp pain in my chest upon doing my daily running,
I remember the feeling of being such a failure when I couldn't run as I did in the past,
I remember the cobalt and coppery taste of bile, phlegm, and blood in my mouth,
I remember dropping to my knees in pain upon reaching a klik.

I remember to bring my blue and purple "friends" along, everywhere,
I remember the side effects my "friends" have on me,
I remember the tremors, the nausea, the headaches,
I remember the feeling having epinepherine coursing through my veins.

I remember the taste of the sea on my lips,
I remember the pain in my arms as I paddle against the current and the joy of the take off,
I remember the people who has never stopped pushing and supporting me,
I remember how surfing was like for me prior to this.

I remember pushing and pushing myself,
I remember telling myself to not let it fail,
I remember what she tells me everyday relentlessly,
I remember it clearly how much she cares.

I remember him, the man who has taught me this 3 years ago,
I remember him, the man who fished me out from those trecherous waters, broken and limp,
I remember him, forewarning me about the other him,
I remember him, walking out and not turning, due to my decision to stick by the other him.

I remember thinking,
How sorry I am that I had to leave,
But it's for my own good,
And I would have to be selfish.

The sun, the sea, the ocean,
The waves, the breaks,
That's what makes me alive,
Not by being with somebody or trying it now.

A person asked before,
" If say, while surfing, you get bitten by a Shark,
would you regret it then? ", he asked.
And I answered,
"No, It's worth it, and I would do it again and again ".

Now I remind myself this everyday,
I am grateful that I am still living,
To take on another wave, no matter how hard it is now,
I am grateful for living.

With that in mind, the comps are next week, right after my birthday, I am forfeited this year. There are more pressing issues to be approached. But I am aiding both of the comps. Peace out!

IN THE NAME OF FLAME: Arroyo Grande’s Chris Burkard wins the first annual Follow the Light Foundation grant

2006-10-17T13:36:00.000+08:00

Larry 'Flame' Moore died a year ago to brain tumour, in his memory the Light Foundation was established to further encourage fresh young photographers. The grant is worth 5000. This year's winner is Chris Burkard, a 20 year old from Arroyo Grande, California. To see all his work, go to burkardphoto.com

On another thing altogether, my three boards has been sold off, leaving me with one board, and a new one flying in from Padang after Raya, I don't need that many boards, but it was nice trying to collect them, especially the ones given by the pros. Plus, collecting them is not as cheap as collecting cds. Daymn, but it doesn't matter, what matters is I'm getting a 6'4', 19 1/2, and 2 1/4 board, with permanent fins. How cool is that? It'll be a bitch transporting it with the fins everywhere, but to hell with it, for the waves, anything man.

Prioritising

2006-10-11T12:54:00.000+08:00

Priorities, funny how this particular word doesn't mean jacksquat to kids, I mean all that mattered to me when I was a kid was to try to get good grades for me parents, and stay alive. Then as you get older, everything changes, and I mean everything.

All of a sudden, whereby your peers finds it easy to just resign of their jobs and get other jobs, you find yourself not being able to do so. A bit of a sticky situation wouldn't you say, if you leave your job and definitely get lower pay elsewhere what with the amounts of commitments you're finacially tied to. So priorities changed, you can't leave your job when you feel like it, especially when stupid ass said country companies refused to pay higher than what you're already earning. No problem there, work is work, it is your number one priority.

Next would definitely be your lifestyle, when in comes a factor that in some way or another disrupts your lifestyle, what do you do? Do you reprioritise, whereby the defining factor is given more of a headway than your lifestyle? Or do you kick out and bolt on the said factor? Or you at least give it a shot to balance it so as that you do not allow the said factor to disrupt your lifestyle, when it clearly doesn't bother it, just that you feel that it does, with your overambitious behaviour for chasing waves? In short compromise.

Then there is the change, that ultimately shaped most of yourself as a person, when you realised that your incessant spendings and pulling in of money, is not exactly helping, and you try to cut down on the trips and boards, and lo and behold, you might have just grown distant over the one man that has always treated you like his lil kid. But you also hoped that over time, he might see the reason behind your choice, and be understanding. You need to prioritise your work, the thing that's making all of these into a reality. You wouldn't want to be seen as a leech, leeching of money for things that you want instead of needing. And you know of a few who does that. You wouldn't want to stop that low. Though, he could easily argue and said that you're officially sponsored by said company. To which you would have to remind him again that it's actually unofficial, seeing that you're malaysian, and the only reason you get sponsored is because of your ties with him. And that doesn't make you feel good, coz you don't know whether you're being sponsored because you're really good or due to connections.

Then there is the guy, whom you have been seeing, whom is or has been very anal about organizing everything, not that you can blame him, seeing that it does help actually being organized, but you also can't help but feel that you're like a kid ( you are one actually ) and he's being too grown up. Which makes you wonder, can this actually work, seeing that both of you hardly have the time to really spend it together and find out more about each other. Yes, incidentally he's over at your place alot, while you're still around, but he sleeps early, whereelse you sleep late, either due to work or answering international calls, or because you want to catch up on the shows on the telly. He wakes up early and you're still asleep, you can't remember he kissed you goodbye, sat beside you on the bed, looking at you, and pulling the covers up for you, coz again you had a late night and you're not a morning person. He hates malls, and crowds, you love malls but you hate people, he's homey, you're not. He'd rather stay at home, eat and watch a dvd, you'd rather eat out, and go for movies. Every weekend your urge to go anywhere is normally shot down, for you are sharing a life with someone now, and it wouldn't be fair for you to pack up and leave for your surf trips. Reprioritising has somewhat made you feel resentful of things and you want to be left alone again, coz you want time for yourself.

Priorities, priorities....., kinda makes you think what is there to life other than priorities.

Option Explicit

2006-10-05T13:36:00.000+08:00

Funny how it seems now, that I actually do come home to somebody, or rather somebody and a lil tyke by the name, Kassim Selamat Neo The Grease Monkey, my or rather our newborn 1 week old kitten. I saved him, from under my car, I reckon he was trying to give my month old car an oil change, silly thing.

He has been great with Neo, feeding him at the oddest hours ( while being careful not to wake me up, seeing that I haven't been sleeping enough ), giving Neo a lil bath, changing Neo's water bottle whenever he could.

It is rather fast, both of us that is, we are still in the early stages of getting to know each other, but we are almost living together, I wonder how does other corporate dating couples make this work, what with both of us being in corporate, and pulling in long hours, to make it even harder, while caring for a newborn kitten, it's hard not to have him staying over. ( I don't really fancy staying over at his place seeing that in compare to my place, my place is spacious, and I like spacious areas ).

Of course we soon found out our differences too, he's rather organized and a neat freak, and I am a scatter brain and quite messy. It helps having a maid, coming in every Sunday, to clean up that place of mine. The whole apartment is organized accordingly too.

I dress up rather differently, he dresses up rather differently too, in turn I look way younger than he, which is more than OK with me, seeing that he is 6 years older. Though it doesn't help that I do carry myself and dress up in surfer togs nowadays. The volcoms, the rip curls, the billabongs, whatever there is, I don't own much roxy though. Alot of cults, yes. Where else he, lets just say we haven't been going out much with each other for me to know much yet. But he does look damn fine in his corporate do. So when we are in our power suits and corporate clothes, yeah we do look like a set of incorporated silverware from Sachs, but otherwise, we do look rather mismatched. More than often when I am getting ready to go out with him, for some event or something, we both would find ourselves looking at how different we are in that ridiculously huge sliding mirror of mine. More often than enough, we would agree that I do look like a childish rich spoilt brat, and he in turn looked like a chaperone.

He attributed our lifestyles for the differences in our outlooks, I am a surfer, and he is a Beamer ethusiast. Therefore, he had always said " Both of us are very corporate, the only difference is, I'm the New York kinda corporate, and she's the California type of corporate ". Well, absurd as it seems for him to use the states as an example, it does work in this kinda circumstances.

It's still a learning phase between us both, heck, I just found out that he doodles comics and he illustrates quite nicely for a corporate guy. He just found out that there is no artistic bone in me at all. None, zilch, zip, nada, elek. That I am all codes, logic and problem solving. He's laidback, and I 'm agro, but I'll be laidback when I'm in surfing mode.

It has been hard for me to adapt to having somebody, him, in my life, I have grown rather fond of him, and he's bracing himself for me to bolt by the end of this week, because of the reputation I have for bolting on a potential. I don't think I will any time near in the future, maybe in the distant future, but not now yet. My friends seem to adore him, apparently he portrayed an air of maturity. LOL. Maybe. Mr Evil approved of him so much that when I freaked out about this whole thing, I was given an earful.

I haven't really talked about him with my surf boys, the ones who knows are by accident, and they are some who didn't think it was a good idea for me to date somebody exclusively, seeing that the comps are just around the corner, and I'll be competing and this will disrupt my training. Our friends seemed happy for us. He has also been very supportive over my surfing, and for that I am grateful.

He might not be much of a looker, but he does know how to make me laugh amongst other things. *wink. For that I think I'll give this one a try, at least.

Well, that's life

2006-09-27T12:43:00.000+08:00

I have a new thing for this band from Indonesia, they're called Homogenic, got them from Junk. Cool band, great vocals, it's a mix of electronica bliss, with haunting vocals.

The challenge ended, feeling rather left out, seeing that I wasn't there, but hey, work is more important, 'sides signs of the monsoon is already showing, and it's whetting my appetite already for the waves. Be it rain or shine, all of us will be there. Of course, there is also a chance that this year raya, I won't be here, maybe either at Padang, or Mentawaiis or Dreamland. Downhill skateboarding is not really helping with my withdrawal symptoms of surfing, but it is making my surfing alot better.

The guy, hmmm, I have been freaking out alot, and he has been nothing but understanding, for that I really learn to appreciate him alot. Informing Mr Evil of his existence took alot of guts on my part. Heck, it was even more nerve wrecking for me, when they finally meet, and both knowing how important each other is in my life, decided unbeknownst to everybody, to behave. Yeah, they actually behaved, heck I was even on my best behaviour. For me, it was and still is, very important to have Mr Evil's approval on him. Yeah I know, we are just seeing each other but well it doesn't hurt to get an approval in the early stages right. Now the other nerve wrecking bit, informing my lil boys of him, my 'son' Oki, has already met him, and doesn't seem to be that comfortable with him. True to our lifestyle, Oki has already started putting in abit of a distance, an automatic surfer's behaviour, which some might think of it as something good, but for me, it is one of the many reasons why I'm freaking out over this.

I am so used to hanging out and being affectionate with my lil boys, and well, it is an automatic reaction when one of us or the other is seeing somebody, we would keep the affection bit on an all low. Yeah, it doesn't change the fact that we are still very important to one another, but it does make some things seemed alot harder, albeit more rules and regulations in interacting with one another. The plus side of this though, is that you know they respect your space.

Oh well, that's life, and well, we shall see how they react to this bit of news in the near future. Phrases like...

" What the hell, you're actually seeing somebody, wow the world is indeed coming to an end "

" What about Lon? " ( What the fuck!! So what about the lil brat! )

" You're kidding right, you're actually not having a fling now, so how long do you think this'll go? "

" Good to see you're finally settling down, welcome to the Ridiculously Loyal Surfer's club, where we don't cheat nor do we break hearts, so when are we going to have an induction for the man into the Surfer's Partner Org, ooh wait a minute, your man will prolly be the only man there, HAHAHAHAHAHA " ( I am not kidding you, this is for real, seeing that I don't mix so much with the female surfers, I am rather like one of the boys, so sweetie, if it does ever goes further than what we are having now, I am so sorry but you'll be like one of the girls. )

" You?! OHMYGAWD this is fucking funny "

" This is a tragedy, no more cockteaser, daymn! "

These are only a few, but I know I will be given shit for this, oh well, that's life.

This is what I've been missing

2006-09-20T18:40:00.000+08:00

On a very me note, this is what I have been missing while some of the snowboarders I know are having fun, down under at Snowpark NZ. The Hemisphere Challenge Week. Bloody hell!

Two hemisphere, two photographers, and six absolutely great snowboarders, The Hemisphere Challenge. WELLS!!!!!!!!

The all time lingering question, my needs and shoes.

2006-09-20T16:11:00.000+08:00

Question: How do you cope with having a person in your life when you are so used to being happy by yourself?

I honestly don't know, but this is what I have been asking myself for awhile now, I am so used to running off here and there without having to think of another person, his feelings, his opinions, him overall. Now I find myself disturbed by this, all I could think of is how it will disrupt the peacefullness of my life now, the waves, the surf, the running about in assisting my boys. I find myself feeling worried and nervous telling Mr Evil about him. Not that we have anything concrete yet, but it's pretty much obvious where it might go. It will be unfair on his part, if I do not mention how supportive he is over whatever I do, me being all outdoor-sy and a surfer. Unfair too, had I not state the fact, that he is probably the most mature guy I've been out with so far. Some might think I am being biased seeing that I am kind of seeing him, therefore, my judgement over him is clouded. Well truth is, I don't know whether I like him that much yet, or I even like him on that level. Yes, the attraction is obviously there, but that's about it. In fact, at this current moment what with the most recent conversation with him, my need to bolt for the door has been growing. I don't like the fact that I could still be bothered by emotions after severing it off for quite awhile back. That is not logical at all, and I have conditioned myself to be logical over anything. I don't like the fact that I could still be bothered by trivial things, when by right I shouldn't. I don't like the fact, his actions or lack of it could instigate such a reaction from me. It shouldn't for I am by right detached after all, or should it? What am I then to myself? Am I as detached as I would like to think? Or have it been a defense mechanism all this while, and finally somebody came along and was able to bring it down unintentionally. Either way, only I alone can answer this.

My needs? Surfing's all that matters to me now, and work of course. I am willing to slave away at work just to get that extra bit for surfing. One day, I hope, I will be anywhere but here, with the waves becking, and the sea breeze against my face. Everyday of my life. Till my last breath. Of course I want to shop like nobody's business, like how I did the other day, ohmygawd RM 800 in just an hour, over only 2 items. But hey it looks great on me. The shoes and the 3/4 pants. Speaking about shoes. *Laughs evilly. At long last I found the perfect ones, from 9 West. I can't find any pictures of the one I bought, as mine is black, but I found a white one. It's cool, 3 1/2 inch, so bloody comfy, I am not kidding you. It didn't bite my feet, and it doesn't slip when I run or strut.

The pic doesn't do it any justice, I think there is still a couple of pairs left in the 1 Utama outlet. Though the smallest size in stock was 7. Saleslady claims that it was selling like hot cakes, I can only imagine, seeing that not only it looks great, but wow the amount of aprovals was immense indeed.

So yeah, I am rather a vainpot.

Of leather seats and allergies

2006-09-18T12:58:00.000+08:00

It's scary, 31 year olds, though this particular one is a bit weird. It has been a game between us both, him trying to place me under some category or gange the situation, and me doing the same too. It had been a game of wits between us, whereby we want to outwit and outplay each other. In his own words, it was intriguing, it was " Poser, poser, poser, poser, poser, then BAM! in comes you " he said.

Needless to say, yeah I am intellectually attracted to him. I have been given lectures from left, right, centre, upside down, inside out about him. Everybody seems to like him and thinks he's a great guy. Yeah, he's nice, funny, and yeah we are comfortable with each other, that I pick at my most recent wipe out scabs in front of him, heck my scabs was how we met anyways. I proudly showed him my downhill skateboarding wound on my knee, to which he was intrigued and grossed out, intrigued by how proud and not embarrased I was by the monstrosity I have on my knee, and grossed out by how ugly and huge it was.

Funny bit though, about him, is rather how he copes with me, he's more than happy to oblige in alot of things. Alot says he's a catch, probably is if defined by the more run of the mill average malaysian girl, whereby his beamer, apartment, position and many other materialistic factors is more of a blueprint as a catch for them. But my close gal pal did say, as long as he makes me happy, and he's understanding, smart, a real gentleman, that's what counts over everything else. So in that sense, character wise he's pretty much of a catch too there, I guess.

Yeah, the age gap, definitely bothers me, I am only perhaps 2 years younger than his sis. We clicked, we are comfortable with each other, we are obviously attracted to each other, and yet this is a recipe for disaster I would say. Though, alot would say he is exactly what I need. More than often he'll surprised me enough. In fact, my new found allergies either for leather seats or the solution used on leather seats, has somehow got him worried, hence scampering around to find another solution and a decent looking cover for his car's leather seats. Yeap, I am allergic to his car, I'll break into a rash over time. What does that say about things then? My body rejects his car even. Others would probably die to be in my place, but I've always wanted to be a yuppie that drives a performance car 'stead of beamers, benz, and the likes. But that's me.

Though, the question

" So do you want this whatever we have to be exclusive? " was popped by me. Upon which he answered, it's up to me, but on his end, yes, he would like it to be exclusive. I answered neither yes nor no, for I don't know.

The thing is, I don't think I can give him much, I am afterall a person who dabbles in a totally different lifestyle, yes I do work, like any normal being would, but I am also a surfer, who doesn't believe in relationships at all. So where does that leave me? My close gal pal quipped, " Sweetie, you have to give it a try at least ", well we shall see shall we, allergies and all.

Penguin and Britney

2006-09-11T16:29:00.000+08:00

A new kitten, ash-ey, bluish, greyish color, named Penguin.

Britney, the oldest of them all, died today. *sighs.

Pa left home again, so what's new?

And, I have been offered to model for a new car mag, and I've been asked to do a portfolio. Maybe. Feeling ackward.

'Sides, car mag are sluttish, though a few had said their piece concerning the news.

The guy: Go for it, if it pays well, go for it, it's not like you have to kiss and lick the cars you know.
Moi: If it's an integra, celica or impreza, I'll lick and kiss it free of charge bra.
Moi: Though I'd rather lick and kiss a hot hunky male model.
The guy: Like me

hhmmmm....no words for him there.

Mr Evil on the other hand, said this;

So now the whole nation can gawk at what I have been looking at for the past year or so.

Trust Mr Evil to say this.

Personally I have a humoungous crush on The guy. Nice bod, especially when you see him sliding downhill, and I am not the only who stares and gawk, the other girls and GUYS do it too. Almost hot, with my beer goggles on I said to him once, and he just smirked at me. Weird huh?

I wanna bela this creature here

2006-09-08T17:47:00.000+08:00

I wanna bela this....I wanna bela this....it is so cute...i wanna bela it....no I don't mean you Benjy, dream on.

But mana nak cari? This weekend I am going to adopt a kitten, yay yay. I will train it to sit quietly in the hoods of all my surf jackets or sweaters. Then I can bring it around for freebording, or downhill skateboarding or surfing in fact.

The funniest bit about blogging

2006-09-05T14:33:00.000+08:00

The funny bit comes, when you don't feel like blogging, in fact I am sitting down here, trying to string my sentences, but it's not working somehow. Maybe, just maybe I no longer like the direction of this blog, it's like an open book to a certain extent, though I haven't blog much about the daily mundane things that happens, well maybe not so mundane, but I find myself deviating from it, which I like actually.

Alterations and a total revamp is bloody overdue for this blog, or maybe I'll stop blogging, it's kinda hard to blog when most of the funny and amusing things that happens to you has to be private and confidential, due to your relations to some of the people. It's better left unknown for fear that some might just take advantage of it, i.e " Hey Lizz, seeing that you know, you're chummy with them, could you like hook me up to ride for them? ", wow, heck even I don't ride with them. I'll avoid it at all costs, coz pros are snobs, to be honest. It's just that I learn to ignore them whenever they try to go diva on me, and they've learn to see that I really don't care who they are, and I like doing things by my own, so we kinda learn through time to put up with each other's misgivings, like I break promises at my whim and them trying to bully me. Tete for tete I believe. But we've been pretty laidback and lackadaisical about it. The worst I'll do is probably just take off on my own, and lay low under the radar for a few days, at first they were quite worried about it, but they soon learn that it's my way of coping with annoyances. I soon learn that what they do such as bullying me playfully and teasing me endlessly is their way of coping with people who really doesn't care about who they are and doesn't suck up to them.

I admit that I do know some of the big names in the surfing community personally. It's no big deal I think, I know some of them are never sober, but it comes within the territory I believe. They don't make any fuss about me smoking too much, I don't make any fuss about them smoking up either. They'll impart some really good nifty surfing tips for me, I'll impart some really good nifty IT tips for 'em too. It's a two way thing, I believe.

But somehow, you will get involved in a team that you find hard working with, coz they have been with each other for years, and then, you on the other hand, has always been able to cope and work by yourself, a one man army. It's hard, especially when they don't bother with helping out but they scold you when you're not aware about certain things, which is their responsibility to impart. But you soon learnt to not care and just do your own thing, and well just wake up every morning saying this to yourself " You love doing what you do and no one can stop you ". And that's how life is. Coz nobody will make things easy for you, except yourself.

This merdeka

2006-08-30T18:38:00.000+08:00

Merdeka lah. I don't even want to get into the details of the whole political issues in this country. All I want to say is.

I miss the ocean. Badly, that I feel like fucking crying now. I am supposed to be in Phuket now. Can't because of work.

I want to hear the roar of the waves crashing down.

I want to ride the waves.

I want to be a freesurfer.

I want to wake up early in the morning, around 6 or 7, to call surf watch, and to run out to the beach and get on the waves. Stupid Malaysia fucking don't have this facility, even Thailand pun ada, siap bagi flyer lagi forecasting the sets and intervals.

I didn't expect to be in Malaysia this Merdeka, it was planned nicely already, now I can't go because of a stupid proposal for the outsourcing of Singapore's equivalent of JPJ IT and Operations.

I want to surf with my boys.

I want to rip it nicely, cut backs, bottom turns, whatever else that I can do.

I want to get a new shortboard.

I want to get away from everybody, the noise, the chatter, the ding of sound.

I need my waves. Need it horribly. More than a boyfriend.

I am waiting for October, I do not care if it's Raya, I have lost whatever I have for festivities donkey years ago.

I am suffering, so laugh lah at my expense to those who does. I don't fucking care anymore.

I just want the waves. That is all that matters to me now and in the future.

The Wings Of Revelation

2006-08-29T15:20:00.000+08:00

You sense it lurking beneath you, circling in the dark shallows. You've tempted fate, time and time again, but now the piper's rent is due in full. Never any warning, just a feeling that something's "not quite right". Suddenly, the ocean's surface tension drops beneath you, mysteriously drawing you downward - a fateless mishap on an otherwise glorious maritime outing.

Cold, black eyes, gaze upward, searching for the ultimate moment to springboard from the dirty depths to strike - a silent death rots high above, the wings of revelation.

False moves are quickly manifested into false hopes. In a flash of twisted brilliance, the once tranquil water is maniacally thrashed. Those cold, black eyes roll inward. Thick, maroon, plasmatic jelly spills onto the surface amidst cartilage, flesh and bone all crashing together in an ultra violent waltz of human deconstruction.

Innards and entrails are brutally spat out at the moment of ingestion; refuse redirected outward. Just rejected, useless garbage floating in the current.

We taste like shit.

Who said surfers can't write for nuts, it might not be as nicely strunged and poetic as Shakespeare, or as finely written as Kafka's depiction of morbidity, but it's the writer's honest and brutal depiction on what really happens sometimes out there on the ocean's surface.

Freaky as hell

2006-08-25T18:21:00.000+08:00

The story of Charm and Thai progresses last night, with me passing the phone to Charm, and they finally talked. Sighs. Funny bit is though, he just spoke to her, and yet he started complaining to her about me being too busy.

Thai: Are you sure you guys can come down to Bali in October or when we go up there you guys have time for us? Lizz is always busy, even when she was here. She said she'll call, and she didn't.

Wow, bro, you hardly even know Charm and you're complaining to her about me, who's known you for quite awhile now. So petty, hahahha, but amusing nevertheless. But yeah, sorry that I had to bail when I promised that I will see you guys in August. Work, more important.

It doesn't stop there, the words " Lizz is fucking busy ", is a freaking mantra now, till Syaf said something that Lyn said to him, about me looking like a harried rabbit.

Do I feel bad about not meeting up with some people, breaking my promises, etc etc? In the past I would, now, I don't, coz at the end of the day, my work is important to me, my priorities are important to me too. I realized the more I tried to pacify people, the more annoyed I am with them, and I'll just break. So now, I do it according to what I want. I won't turn up at Maison tonight for the launching, why? Coz I have a global telecon and I want to rest and I want to go downhill skateboarding. At least I can have maybe 2 hours of me time before I head out for downhill. Yeah, I am always late, but hey I did say I will be late right.

Look I was even late for the Juice's Hats and Bananas event, and the guy who invited me, was no small fry in the industry, and I don't even have time to see him on a normal basis like my other friends. Yeah, one day people will get fed up asking me out and me saying " I can't ", but work is work. I try to make it up, by calling, talking so as that whoever it is can still talk to me, and not totally lose me, my bill last month itself was a 4 digit. Am I complaining? No, but if I have people like the guy that I kinda like blew off on Wednesday whingeing about not seeing me often enough, I'll just put it very bluntly that I am not at their beck and call. There are people whom I will be there for them, and so far these same individuals have been the most understanding of them all. And I adore them.

Yeah, I might still not sleep enough, but that's due to work, and that's acceptable by me. But if it's because of some sob ass story, now, in the present, I will scream and berate you. There are very few people whom can have me at their beck and call, Mr Evil being one of them. Sure, occasionally I don't mind, but I will no longer put up with nonsensical phone calls in the middle of the night. Think I am being crude now, I don't even fucking care when one of the pros called me in the middle of the night, I scolded him, though it was an honest mistake on his behalf actually, he didn't realized the time difference. So now, I learnt to be more accomodating, international calls, are ok, sometimes. My apologies there bro.

Look people learnt from mistakes, I did. I didn't realized that trying to be wonderwoman in the past was killing me. Now I do, so now I have more me time. Plus, with funny ass things happening almost everyday when you have such goofballs boys, you can afford to have your own time at your own accord.

So it is

2006-08-24T14:39:00.000+08:00

Him: So are you coming over tonight? You're always busy, and you're always talking to me on the phone, instead of being around.

Her: Do you want me to come over tonight?

Him: No, I want you to stay over. I want us to talk nicely to each other instead of being on the phone all the time.

Her: Look, why don't you ask the other guys out or something, I am busy, I am working, I need to work.

Him: But you're always working, you don't sleep at night, you work and work, and run around. The only times I see you is when we all go downhill, or after surfing, and that is if you go.

Her: You know that I need to work, and sides, I have grown accustomed to you know, not having a permanent male fixture in my life, it has always been short, and I didn't sleep with any of them too, you're going to be around for 2 years, I don't know how to cope with having somebody around that long, and besides you will move on to greener pastures.

Him: Well, we can be buddies with fringe benefits.

Her: I don't think so dear, look, yes, it happened once with you, but as I've said I am not used to having the same guy hanging around in my life for a long period, even a couple of weeks is long enough for me, and you're player and I'm a player wannabe, I don't want to get used to having you around, when I don't want you, and I think you're getting too used talking and having me around in a way.

Him: So what you're saying is it's unhealthy for you and me? Ok, come to think of it, yeah I agree with you on this.

Her: Yeah, it's unhealthy, and I like my non committable relationships lifestyle, don't get me wrong, I love spending time with you, when I can. Yeah, that one time was good, but hey, let's not repeat it again.

Him: I agree. So how do we go about this then?

Her: As we normally would, as if nothing happen, which incidentally is true, nothing did happened in the relationship department there. Maybe I just don't talk so much to you now as I would've but we are still friends like we always are.

Him: I think maybe it's best we don't talk to each other at all for awhile, unless we meet up during the other times.

Her: Well, if that's what you want, OK, I'm game. So I'll see you around bro.

Him: Yeah, I'll see you around too.

And it was as easy as that, between two consenting adults. She got her space back, breathes a sigh of relief.

On another note, I heard this in my collection of cds.

I stood accused and guilty of many crimes
I went and burned my offerings a thousand times

I know the place the landscape been here before
I will not walk the bad mile anymore

Cause I have seen the sun that I shine
Comes down like pouring waters
And two wrongs will never make a right

Many times what we´re believing
Is bound to change just like the season
We´re blind eyed of short side
Mistake the darkest night for the light of day

So if tonight I´m leaving and finally let go
Maybe you´ll find a freedom you´ve never known

Somehow some truth there. Nobody can judge me, whether I have changed or not, except me.

New car, new car, new car, it's here, it's here, oooh yeah ooohh yeeaaahh, not the one that I originally wanted but heck surfing comes first man, money to travel first, but at least new car, and feel so wanted by me da, for once, coz he actually paid half of the amount for me. Yay, yay.

Dreams

2006-08-23T11:34:00.000+08:00

Hopefully in the future, that's me taking this barrel, tubing it all the way. My dream for this new monsoon, to overcome my fear of being wipe out.

Bloody gnarly, but this is my dream break. Though it would be nice if it's glassier, but look at the tube man. Sweet.

One other dream I have for myself, instead of the Lombok and Mentawaai charter boats, I want the Haumana, off Tahiti.

Oh well, let's see where my travels shall bring me, I love KL, I do, but I can't stand the monotonous lifestyle here. It's crazy, it's boring and it's depressing. Yeah, there's so many happenings, and more likely I will be seen at one or the other. But I can't see myself, spending all my life not being out of Malaysia, just for the sake of being stingy or scared of venturing out. My mum can do that, some other people can do that, but not me. I guess this travel bug is probably the other thing, that I've inherited from me Da. Can understand the anguish he feels when my mum clipped his wings, from a person whom was well travelled to the man he is now. I love both of my parents, not as a unit, but separately, I am no longer ashamed to say they don't function well as a unit. Looking on the bright side, I can pick on whichever elements of theirs to cater to me. I mean, it's like, for example, me mum hates the fact that I love travelling, and I especially love surf travelling or solo travelling ( not so likely already now, seeing I have alot of kaki already now ), she would always compare me to nice girls like "whoever" and all the others, ( in fact she did it again like last week, and I'm like whatever ma, they're happy like that, I am not on the other hand ) and say things like why can't I sit quietly, get a guy, and just do normal stuff like all of them. I use to answer her like this " Coz I can ma, I don't want to be old and think about lost time, just coz I was stingy or I didn't work hard enough to substantiate my lifestyle ". So she decided to evolve her way of nagging by telling me " You can travel as much as you want when you're married, with your husband and kids, or you'll end up like my cousin, well travelled but alone ", and I'll say " Alot has gotten married and are happy and brimming with life, I don't want to be bitter and say things like oooohhh I sacrifice everything for you kids lalalalalala like some parents do ", by now she'd learn to not bring up her cousin as an example. Whereelse me da, when I tell him I'm going somewhere, he'll just ask with who and how long, and tell me to take care of myself, and hand over all the necessary items and numbers to him. It's the same with clothes, me da doesn't approve how I dress, but me mum is a-ok with it.

Of course I understand why my mum is worried about my marital status, having a daughter who is to a certain point have choices of men in her life, but not picking any is worrying by any standard. I just don't want one, that's all, 'sides when I found the one, I would like to be loyal to him and vice versa, I don't want to just pick any tom, dick or harry.

Matta Fair's around the corner, gonna get me some tix. Hhhmm wonder whether that free flight to Auckland is still valid or not, seeing that I have accumulated alot on my enrich points during the old business class flights, better still if I'm allowed to change the destination. One thing I do miss about business class, bloody hell the sate and food, sighs, kid you not sate damn fucking good.

So cheers to a good year, of experiences, both good and bad.

Cranky, and needing to be alone. And Serendipity

2006-08-22T15:00:00.000+08:00

May my shortboard Gecko, be in good hands. You have serviced me well, and I have been happy but it's time for a new and improved shortboard. I would like a new canvas that is totally mine whereby each ding and crack that it bores is mine to tell, from the numerous wipe outs to the hopefully good surfer I might be in the future.

On another note, I think I shall follow Charm's advice and get myself another phone line, so as that people close to me can call me when I want to be left alone by the others. It's becoming a habit, me switching off my mobile, but I can't afford to do that on a normal basis as I do have to answer the company's calls. But I think I'll be able to work this out.

I am quite cranky nowadays, work, break outs, needy clingy fools, not surfing enough, not reading enough, not having enough me time, are all the contributing factors. Lethargic and fatigueness too. Funny though, in one of my many midnight alone excursions in the living room last night lead me to watch In Good Company at 4 in the morning. To which at one scene, Damien Rice's Cannonball was playing in the background. Cool I thought. It has been awhile since I've heard Damien Rice, kinda miss his whiny depressing melancholic tunes.

Now for the serendipity part, is it possible that two people who knows each other by name from a mutual friend to say the same thing without knowing what one or the other said? Apparently it is, Charm has been seen to say this " Hey he's my future boyfriend, besides the fact we never met but yeah ", and proceeded on laughing like mad at herself. Thai has been caught saying " I'm keeping myself for her Lizz, you can't have me, coz I am going to marry her ", and proceeded on laughing like mad at himself. Yeap, they were talking about each other without knowing what the other said. And me being the mutual friend, finds this f*cking amusing. So is there really such a thing as serendipity, let's see how the tale of Thai and Charm goes on in the future shall we? Hehehehehe.

p/s: Thai fucking reminds me of that VJ from Channel V, Dominic Lau. Hawt hawt!

Of the whole language issue, making mountains out of molehills

2006-08-18T12:26:00.000+08:00

This is what I think of it, far from me being the person to care much about nonsensical issues, this has somehow piqued me to say something for the brouhaha over Sharifah Amani's acceptance speech. And here it goes.

" TRUST THAT PARTICULAR RACE, TO MAKE MOUNTAINS OUT OF MOLEHILLS, TO EMULATE THEIR OVERTLY DRAMATISED DRAMAS IN REAL LIFE THAT THEY PRODUCES ON A CONSTANT BASIS, MUCH TO THE ANNOYANCE OF EVERY INTELLEGENT BEING THAT WALKS THE SURFACE OF EARTH "

This whole issue has struck a nerve in me. I can speak Malay, maybe not so well versed as others, but it's passable, I think. But there was a time at one point in my life, I was ridiculed by people, for my lack of prowess in the Malay language. To which had I've been the person that I am now, I would've retorted, what the f*ck for? To be as dim, shallow, and critical as you all, no thanks then. Why should I be taunted by it too, in school, one of my class teachers commented that unlike the norm in Malaysia, whereby we just speak Malay or English, I was going all wrong with it by translating English to Malay, whenever I spoke Malay. Needless to say, all my grammar and usages of phrases was all wrong. She was surprised too by my distinction in my Bahasa Melayu SPM results, by which she said I didn't deserve it. Maybe she is right, what with the current education system we have, but that is another matter altogether.

What Sharifah Amani was saying was true and simple. That, yes, she will sound stupid had she spoken in proper Malay, why? It is due to her lack of holdings on the language itself, she wasn't implying that the language was stupid or it was stupid to converse in Malay. All she was trying to say, while I might add, struggling to string the phrases and convey the message is, she would sound stupid BECAUSE she's not so well versed in Malay. The fact that she tried to placade everybody else by at least trying her best goes unseen. And that, is what I call lack of tolerance and understanding on the critics part. Another very well known trait amongst these people. Others would refute this by saying, hell, she's malay, why should she not be able to converse the language nicely, or why she didn't bother in brushing up on her malay. Does race matter so much? Some might say, she's not culturally intuned with her own culture. To which I would like to ask this, how many of you out there, knows for a fact that you, as a descendant of your family, is a through end through race of whatever you may think you are? The refutes, opinions and rebuttals done in retaliation to Sharifah Amani's speech, were for the most part founded on the whole race issue, not respecting the culture. So basically, what everyone of them is trying to say is, seeing that she's seen as a Malay, she shouldn't have said all that she did in her speech. That's rather 'tolerant'.

I can go on and on, and pick at all the lines that were picked and scrutinised by the critics, and refute whatever baseless and senseless accusations is being thrown at the girl. But I will just say this, are all of you so dense and thick headed to oversee the obvious, that this is a girl who tried out of respect for all of you, in her mangled up Malay, to convey what she wanted too, don't she at least get credits for that? She didn't mean any harm, but all of these people, took it up to arms, and started to bombard her about this. She might have conveyed what she really wanted to, which might be how thankful she is, or how much she hopes that the local film industry will churn out more commendable thought provoking mind boggling movies, instead of the endless twitter twatter that's being produced nowadays, had she done her speech in English, or her preferred languange. But then again, seeing and observing the traits of certain societies or people, another mountain will be in the making then, which would be " She is malay, she's insulting us by not giving her speech in Malay ". And this is what I would like to term as a die-die situation.

I pity the girl, but I'll say this, " What doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger ", and in due time, she will be better than all of the so called critics. In more ways than one.

Freebording vs Snowboarding

2006-08-17T14:00:00.000+08:00

Anybody with any sense or a brain worth using would know that snowboarding is virtually impossible in Malaysia. Need I explain why? Funny, some of you might think, seeing that I snowboard, or rather I snowboarded before. As I've said I am more into surfing than anything else, but, once a person is into what others termed as " Alternative Sports ", it is therefore only logical that we tend to do alot of other sports as well, such as downhill skateboarding, kite surfing and etc etc. One would notice the semblance or similarities between one sport with another sport. One example being surfing and downhill skateboarding.

Being in Malaysia, we are not bestowed with breaks all year around, as I've said before, the only 'happening' waves breaks in during the monsoon. Anyway, one way to satisfy the need to surf and practise is by doing downhill skateboarding. As I am still pretty new to it, I'll write something about it once I've grappled enough knowledge concerning it. All I can say for now is between downhill skateboarding and surfing, there are alot of similarities between the both, the techniques, the balancing, the tricks, the only stark difference is probably one is done on gravel and the other is on waves. So for me, freebording and snowboarding provides that exact simulation too, whereby, snowboarding's on powder, and freebording's on gravel.

Snowboarding

Snowboarding is relatively unknown in Malaysia, or any other south east asia countries. Heck, look around, what snow, to start with? But it doesn't mean, we do not have any snowboarders around, aha!, but we do. If the surfing community is small in Malaysia, just imagine the snowboarding community, and most of them, do not take it seriously, no surprises there. Snowboarding can be divided into 3 types of snowboarders, freestyler, freerider and Alpine riders. Seeing that it will be too much to go into all three at one go, I'll just approach the freestyler range. A freestyler has more, what they refer to as "Air" time instead of carving through powder like the freeriders. The boards used too, is wider and shorter than those of freeriders as it enables them to pull back flips, Andrect nose grabs and whatever else tricks there is.

Alot have the notion that snowboarding is similar to skateboarding. Without a doubt, there might be some similarities between skateboarding, surfing and snowboarding. But I would beg to differ on this. Alot has the (mis)judgement that being a skateboarder or surfer, makes the process easier to pick up snowboarding and the other way around. *EEEKKK so wrong. Snowboarding uses bindings, which straps down your feet to the board, with your toes and heels sticking slightly out the width of the board. Why? Well, peeps, this is how you carve or manevour the slopes or range, yeap, by using your toes and heels to apply the right amount of preassure to the edges. I am not kidding you, strapping up the wrong sized board and having your toes sticking out too much, will cause what they call a toe drag, whereby your toes may catch in snow while doing a turn, thus send you reeling. And trust me when I said, it's f*cking painful. So this is the huge difference between snowboarding and skateboarding and surfing, snowboarders need to apply preassure on the edges to manevour and carve powder. Skateboarders and surfers don't.

So where does freebording comes in?

Freebording

The same physics used in snowboarding is applied into freebording, the bords, are actually a recent modification to the X-80 extreme skateboards I think, whereby one of the major difference between a freebord and a skateboard, is the 2 additional castor wheels mounted between the trucks. Thus enabling a unique sliding system not so different as a snowboard's. The side wheels, is slightly elevated, barely touching the ground. Some might ask, if the 2 castor wheels are the only wheels touching the ground, why therefore is there a need for the other 4 wheels. Simple. A freebord was created to simulate snowboarding without snow, so as you can do it all year around without snow or powder. The wheels act as the edges of a snowboard, whereby a snowboarder would apply preassure to carve, the freeborder will do the same, thus, pushing the side wheels down to manevour on the streets. Rather brilliant eh? So basically a snowboarder is also a freeborder, and vice versa, as I've said the freebord was created to enable all year round fun of snowboarding without snow.

So basically, there is no need of freebording vs snowboarding. It is the same bloody thing, though, yeah as a friend of mine commented, it's the thrill that you get while carving down the slopes that differentiates between freebording and snowboarding. As for me, being in Malaysia means, that most of the time I can only freebord, unless of course I travel out of Malaysia. Well at least I know I won't stumble around as a newbie. *laughs.

A freebord nowadays can easily set you back around, between RM800 to RM1000 plus, as freebording is not so known in Malaysia, therefore the only way to get one is by buying it online or if you're in the countries where the Freebord outlets are. There is only one known company that produces Freebords, and that's Freebord themselves, the people whom created it. The bord will need assembly, and tuning. Yes, tuning. To get the best performance out of a freebord, you would have to test ride it a couple of times, to get your bearings and stance right. Tuning is essential, as you would want to optimize the bord to how you ride. So yeah, you would have to learn how to tune it. But never fear, the higher end boards, comes with several manuals and DVDs on how to tune, to assemble, and for the newbie, how to ride it.

Personally I think one can cut down on the cost needed by just buying the board, and not the safety gear, as you can get wrist guards and other things here at a cheaper price. Or you can just not use any of them altogether. For newbies, that's a big no no.

Either way, freebording is relatively new to the world. And yes, like a snowboard, it has bindings too. This is what I call, a false sense of security. Many have this perception that by having bindings, i.e like what's used in kite surfing, snowboarding, etc etc, will provide safety measures to the riders. Truth is, you're perhaps in more danger of hurting yourself more than the non binding sports. Picture this scenario, you're strapped on, rolling downhill, you miscalculated, you stumbled and fall, with your bord still attached to you. That's likely to happen when you use bindings. Where else when you're not using bindings, you could've easily jumped off your board and save yourself from being in such excruciating pain, and for the girls, from a lifelong commitment to having battle scars. But I digress, every sport has its risks. What's life without risks anyways?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ?

2006-08-14T18:05:00.000+08:00

This definitely has made my day. For obvious reasons, Mr Evil's real msn handle will be changed, as to protect his identity from overzealous zealots.

[2:02:19] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
i really wanna know who the fuck did it

[2:02:17] Mr Evil says:
mana lah saya tau...

[2:02:37] Mr Evil says:
i guess, early man started off by sucking on woman's tits...

[2:02:55] Mr Evil says:
after a while, woman didn't like her nipples bitten off n slapped man silly

[2:02:11] Mr Evil says:
so man started sucking on goats n dogs' tits instead...

2:02:19] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
so wat youre trying to say is they resorted to beastiality then?

[2:02:40] Mr Evil says:
hey, if my dog can hump my leg, i can hump whatever i want

[2:02:52] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
righto...so the habit of drinking milk was actually contrived by the act of bestiality then...wow...never see it from that point of view

[2:02:49] Mr Evil says:
come on lah... i doubt anyone would find the act of sucking on goat tits for milk natural in any way

[2:02:49] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
yeah thats true...but why do u drink milk anyways if thats wat u think.....heck i dun drink milk...now having this in my mind...im going to stay away from it like the way i stay away from half boiled eggs.

[2:02:47] Mr Evil says:
hey, anything coming out of something that look that good has GOTTA be good...

[2:02:56] Mr Evil says:
slurp

[2:02:10] Mr Evil says:
niamahai, u giving me a hard on right in the middle of work

[2:02:51] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
wat the fuck??!!goat's or cow titties look good?geez man...u really like your women saggy dun u?

[2:02:06] Mr Evil says:
i mean milk from women's tits

[3:03:39] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
uuhhmm darling dear,,, even that is gross u know...its so ...i dunno its like a form of the oedipus syndrome...or issit the jocasta complex?

[3:03:02] Mr Evil says:
i dunno... blame it on u girls moaning so lusciously while we squeeze 'em

[3:03:11] Mr Evil says:
niamahai, i'm getting another hard on!!!

[3:03:38] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
ahahahaha.....fucking hell bro, down boy down...*laffs evilly...thought u were into asses more than anything else seeing that your gf is very well endowed in the bossom section

[3:03:41] Mr Evil says:
........... bosom == TITS... BOTTOM == ass

[3:03:02] Mr Evil says:
so how the fuck am i into asses since she's got big titties?

[3:03:16] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
well u had always u know been talking about asses....n your gf already has nice boobies...which prolly u mite take for granted...so well u got bored n thats y ur into asses

[3:03:40] Mr Evil says:
awwww... is that y u supposed that i haven't tried to bed u yet? cos u lack one? *grin*

[3:03:23] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
weeell....that mite be the reason...hehehehehahahahahahahahahahaha.

[3:03:01] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
speaking bout sex rite...damnit....i think *ahem* he is getting abit too clingy now...damnit.

[3:03:13] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
i know i dun have much of an ass but i think u still sayang me nevertheless mah

[3:03:46] Mr Evil says:
NMH, first she goes w/o sex for so long that she grows another cherry... now that she's popped it, she goes around flirting w everybody, even me... shoo shoo, pi main jauh jauh...

[3:03:15] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
hahahahaha.....

[3:03:18] Mr Evil says:
let him cling lor... then hv ur fun when u go fuck another guy

[3:03:45] Lizz - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say " I'll squeeze those dangly things and drink what comes out " ? says:
wow...thats certainly deliciously evil rite?

See, how can I not get amused with this. I vowed to myself that I would want to be as successful as Mr Evil, in both career and playing around. Hahahahah...oh yeah, drought's over now, ahahaaha, and fuck man, I have never felt nothing more in my whole life than now. There goes whatever's left of my conscience for the past weekend. Muahahaha. Maybe it'll make a comeback seeing there is a person who has that undying faith in me. And yeah I find him cute and endearing, so off limits there.

Must not procrastinate

2006-08-10T12:44:00.000+08:00

I must not procrastinate.

Really seriously, work is pilling, monsoon's arriving, the beaches are becking, the swells have my name imprinted on them. I am supposedly to finish up my papers by the end of this year, if not no bonus, which is a really huge sum. I am supposedly to pay up the balance for my new car, which is supposedly arriving next week. I am supposed to book the tickets up north already, supposedly to be there to surf. Supposedly I was to be at an emergency meeting last week, with the other contractors, needless to say I didn't make it, twice. I am supposedly supposed to be early for work, but needless to say I am rarely early. I am supposedly to be there every weekend to surf, but then again, I have by now been called the FFK queen.

Why? Work and a whole ton of other stuff to do, I can't remember the last time I didn't have to rush for anything. This project has taken up all my time, that I only allow myself to blog when I needed a break, like now. I haven't seen Leo for awhile, I haven't seen my Mr Evil for awhile, I haven't seen Charm for awhile, I haven't seen any of my boys for ages, and when I do see people, I am still rather preoccupied, sighs. I was supposed to cook dinner for a few friends, needless to say I forgot and I have to reschedule it. It's therapy, cooking for friends that is. I still have a few more groups that I am supposed to cook for seeing that my place now can accomodate huge ass crowds. Oh yeah I should have done all the designing of my new place by now, haven't gotten around it. I am supposed to jog at least 2 Kilometres and swim 30 laps a day, to prepare for the monsoon. But all I'm doing is walking and smoking like a chimney, that my smoking habits has become quite legendary at some places amongst some people. The chimney they call me. I wasn't in the mood to enjoy the jazz festival, even though a friend, Fly was on bass all night, and I left.

I have forgotten that I was supposed to help out my darling boy, Oki, with his college work, or something. Probably the only kid, I'll ever allow calling me Mum, Mam, or Mummy. I have not forgotten that I still get very annoyed by 30 something year old men, who still like to loiter around. It's becoming quite apparent to everybody that I refused to talk to them, coz looking at them just annoys the shit out of me, that I paddle out while surfing, because one of them deliberately went for a left break, and blocked my way. Honest mistake? No, he's a natural footer, and has always been on a right break, yes, irregardless of goofy or natural footer, a surfer can still go on either breaks, left or right. But he was doing it deliberately as I gotten wiped out due to him blocking, and he started to tease and talk to me, and I paddled out saying, " I am not in a mood, especially for you ", to which upon hearing that he went back to his normal spot, and proceeded not to bother me. Bloody dense. Big no no in surfing community to cut ppl. I am not kidding you, I have seen ppl being beaten up by other surfers for cutting. Heck I believe in that too, it's just bloody rude. That's not how it's supposed to be like at all. Don't cut or ride on another surfer's wave. Fucking chee bye ah if you do. Pissed as hell thinking bout it.

Work, Work, Work!

It gets to you

2006-08-08T13:09:00.000+08:00

It seriously gets to you when in a span of one week, you have so many individuals, especially from the opposite sex asking why are you still unattached. Which is odd, considering the fact that alot of people that I know are like just recently married or going to get married and that fact alone doesn't bother, even with the countless times they asked when it's going to be my turn. It gets pretty dodgy though when a team manager asks whether you enjoy sex, and upon answering yes, he proceeded on nagging you that you can get regular sex if you have a boyfriend. Well, my answer to that is, I don't have to be attached to have sex. But having said that though, I don't practise in the strictest of sense a player's lifestyle as some people has claimed that I do, yes, I do believe in infidelity, and there's always a choice out there which might or might not be better. I do to a certain extent stand by the ' mark a few notches on the bedpost ' deal, but as a close friend of mine commented once about another, a ' cannot make it ' player, you would have to leave your conscience outside the bedroom if you want to have a go at the situation, if not able to therefore, don't bother in trying to be one, I believe I pretty much falls under this category, shreds of conscience still dictates a part of me. I am pretty sure Mr Evil will agree with her on this, seeing that he has relentlessly reminded me that I should do what is defined right and impetuous by our sense of logic.

Our brand of logic is that, there is no such thing as relationships based on love, by which at the end of the day, relationships are based more on a sense of duty, responsibility and the fear of growing into old age, alone, than love itself. Others would discount this belief of ours, by stating that both he and I are of the same situation, whereby our families are not exactly your average Brady Bunch happy family sort, so therefore we are in no way anywhere near to being able to judge this as fairly as we should. However doesn't that actually gives us both the leverage to foretell things and aspects not seen in any relationship by the happy go lucky sort of person? Doesn't having been through all of this, puts us in a position to be able to avoid problems of which is intricated along relationships? I on one hand see it as the upper hand at times.

Far from me being miss conservative, I do however, not believe in sleeping with several people at the same phase or time frame, to a certain extent I do believe that though it is just a fling, being monogamous is much more easier to handle and cope with. Despite saying that, I don't believe just by being monogamous in a fling, automatically puts the card of being committed and having a relationship out on the table as an option. I am aware that this whole concept that I might think I have is impalpable to a certain point. I don't exactly fit the profile of a player, I have not cut as many notches as I would wish I had, being a surfer I have not slept with another surfer, in fact to be frank, I had not had sex for the past 6 months I think. Which is probably why it is therefore understandable that Mr Evil is rather adamant on this issue. How I came about to this whole player bit, well, I have been called that on numerous occasions due to my flirtatious and affectionate behaviour, and don't get me wrong I would like to think that maybe I can be a player too. So I don't see this as an insult. I have found myself lusting after certain men, just to find my interest tapering off in instant too. The record being within 24 hours, where I just lost whatever it was I had for him, got bored, and start ignoring him.

Some might see it as leading or stringing a person along, truth is I actually do agree with this notion. I am not trying to project verisimilitude, I don't believe in trying to be something that I am not. On one hand, I am all out for the lifestyle of living freely and not being committed to anybody, but on the other hand, I am not practising what I am preaching about. Which makes me ponder over another friend's choosen words for my predicament, defense mechanism. I can't help but find myself thinking that he might be right, that me being in this current phase and avoiding all forms or semblance of relationships is a twisted form of defense mechanism. My gal pal quipped " You are convincing yourself that it's no good for you, you should just go with the flow ", she might be right. But she might not. If giving a relationship is what I wanted, then why oh why am I not comfortable with it?

Sense of belonging, not too long ago, somebody asked me have I experienced a sense of belonging to anybody, I don't know, I can't remember. Maybe I did, but it was too painful that I blocked the memory, maybe I never did. To a certain point, it is nice coming home to a person, whom you could cuddle up to on the couch, who could kiss your worries away, and just be there, warm and affectionate, but it too can be rather disconcerting coming back home, wanting your own space, being cranky, having arguements, having issues, chemistry fizzling out, etc etc. To which the best solution by my brand of logic is to have short flings whereby I'll get at least some of that warmth and forego the other troubles of being together. The only trouble though, I seem to be having trouble going against my conscience on this. Understand this though, I do enjoy my singlehood immensely, but days such as these, it is somehow nice to get back, switch on the telly and have him rubbing your back while you snuggle up closer to him. Or just head back home, drink some hot coco, lazing around and enjoying the solitude.

It does get to a person, when she is neither here nor there.

Could you think it over?
When we get older
I'll still want you here with me
Darling I hope that you agree
There's something that takes place
Whenever we embrace
I'm hoping that you take this chance
Of steppin' out to dance
Kaskade's Steppin' Out

Partner

2006-08-07T14:46:00.000+08:00

And I quote Brian, one of the many unsponsored pros of Malaysia, " It's bloody nice, if you have a partner, in my case a girlfriend that surfs too, it'll be great, when you have a partner in sync with you ". Unquote.

Amen to that bro, amen. Surfing with a love interest is great, not that I have a serious love interest, but it will be nice to have one, if I ever do get out of this " I don't believe in all this relationship crap" phase, but so far, surfing even with the people that I am not committed to has been swell. Not to say, I will forever live this whole surfer's lifestyle, whereby I'll play around for good, sooner or later I might find the right person, but for now when you are surrounded by a bevy of really hunky men, you can't help but be very laidback about things and play the field. But even though if I ever do settle with one person and be committed, one thing's for sure is, if he can't accept me being surfer, he can take a hike. So I am sorry if there are guys out there interested in me, but as soon as you've said, why do you like all these extreme sports thingy in such a condescending manner, bye bye out you go. Does that answer why I avoided a few of you people.

I can answer for every one of us, this is NOT a hobby, where you can pick up and ditch whenever you feel like it, surfing is a LIFESTYLE. I am getting sick of explaining it to everybody over and over again. It's hard to explain how, but we are always stoked, always, waiting for the swell, we have become so intuned with the ocean that we get all fidgety when we could feel a swell coming in on the east coast. The feeling is so indescriable, I mean how many of non surfers are willing to travel the world, which would naturally cost alot of money? Not many, not the ones that I know anyways, all my surfing buddies, every one of them are willing to go travel surf and experience new cultures, plus they never say "aiya so expensive lah....bla bla bla bitch bitch ". FYI, most of these people are freelancers, they work hard when they can, get the cash and travel, now that's what I call living it. Instead of staying around here whingeing incessantly about how broke, how bored, and why others are making it and you're not.

I didn't have to look far, Brian, Leo and a few others are following me down to Morocco, lo and behold, yay, my so called turf there. To surf and snowboard. All I need to do now, is to liase with the people there, get a nice villa, overlooking La Source probably, seeing I'm a goofy footer, and bargain for the price. The plan is to catch a flight up to Spain, and from Spain, catch a ferry down to Tangier, Morocco. It's alot cheaper that way, instead of flying and changing how many airlines to reach either Casablanca or Agadir or Marrakech. Most of us are freelancers, they are those like me, who works on a normal basis, but it's only a sooner or later scenario for us too I would like to think. It's only a matter time, before everybody finds a better way to freelance to earn more, and travel everywhere without being tied down to a job.

Now, having said all of that right, what would make anybody think it's a hobby? Hey if you don't know many other surfers, just look at me, in a matter of a few months, all I can think of is the ocean, the swell, the waveriding. Whatever I buy or do now, is to surf and keep up my stamina, for the waves. Of course, call us slackers or whatever, but truth is if we are such slackers right, why are we going places and still live comfortably and you're not? Hmmm interesting ain't it? *chuckles evilly, if I have crossed the line and stomped on a few toes, that was fully intentional. I can't help it. I frankly don't care if normal people are going to associate surfing with drugs or laziness, or fucking around. Betul, all true, righto, correct, no rebuttals there at all. Yeap we are a lazy bunch ( who so happens out of laziness goes for comps all over outside malaysia ), who does drugs ( yeah we are always high on weed, but somehow we still do a great job at our work ) and fucks around ( well, that depends, really, we are in the position whereby we have more eye candy than most does ). So go ahead, say whatever, some turn to having relationships, some turn to religion, but I specifically turn to surfing which can provide me all of that and the freedom that's so fucking on.

So back to the partner issue, of course if I do ever feel like committing I would want a guy who's supportive about my surfing at least, that is if he doesn't surf. So 2 more months before the first monsoon swell hits, happy malaysian's surfers' new year, stay stoked! and surf's up!

~Try life, living on the edge, dazzling all the dangers, tonight, with all form desires, no common sense, just holding free~

Listening to: Fierce Angel's Tokyo Disco: Hott22 vs Bonnie Bailey - No Promises 'Original 12" Mix'

As I've predicted...

2006-08-04T18:06:00.000+08:00

Boredom sinks in, LOL. Yeap, it has passed, the smitten phase. But that's just me, let's see how he goes about this one. Now this is interesting, as he's a really nice guy, I like my boys, to dabble into the bad side, seeing that I have no interest of commitment at all, so it's only logical that boys who are known to have a streak of, I repeat this as STREAK only, of badness can cope with what I want. Bad boys are fun too, but only when I'm really really into risking everything, and that's not the case nowadays coz I'd rather be the one to kiss and tell, but in the current phase of my life, it's kiss and ditch. Having said that though, the idea of ditching an insanely bad boy is really delicious and tempting, but alas, I can't seem to find them around nowadays. Oh well, in this particular case though, he is quite the debonair, charming and sensitive metrosexual, plus, and is pretty much into most of what I'm into. So basically he's the sweet and nice guy, nothing bad about him, so I got bored, and Mr Evil is not so happy about this turn of events, as the whole idea is to get laid, as he has so many times said. What can I say, I like him but I'm bored, plus he didn't held my interest long enough, so yeah I'd rather not. When I said he's nice, imagine this, his dating life is not as colorful as mine, why I said that, easy, he had only 3 girlfriends, he doesn't do flings, but that doesn't mean he doesn't look like a bad boy, the problem is he does, he looks like your average, cute, broody kinda player. So imagine my dissappointment, when he's not. Oh well, there goes such a cute catch to toy around with.

Don't get me wrong, I do not toy around with boys, that doesn't know what I really want. It has to be a two way thing, he understands what I want, and I understand what he wants. I don't believe in commitment or any of this relationship shit, so knowing that, he ought to know what to expect then. I am not at your beck and call, I need my space and I shall see you only when I feel like it and do what I want. That's me now. Or maybe that has always been me, it's just that now I am actually allowing myself to do as I please, because it is so boring being part of society's blueprint or yardstick when you're not.

Smitten

2006-08-03T11:33:00.000+08:00

Gloriously, deliciously smitten. Then again, I know myself too well too, it'll pass by like all the other times. Besides, being single is fun. Thought it was rather juvenile, that we spent a whole night talking on the phone, but according to somebody, it was so cute and sweet. Hahahaha, but as I've said, he's just too good to be real, knowing my whole take on relationships, people and dating, I'll get bored soon enough, and 'sides, life is not so complicated when you don't share it with anybody in the sense of somebody special, partner, boyfriend or whatever terms that society has coined for that purpose. Though, it was rather a surprise to have him broached the topic of sense of belonging. As I've said too good to be true, but I'm smitten nevertheless. *grins widely.

Despise

2006-08-01T19:41:00.000+08:00

I despise Visual Basic, it makes no sense at all to me.
I despise people who shamelessly ask for things from me, just coz I have extra doesn't mean I can't choose who to give it to. Shame on you. Even your good friend repriminded you.
I despise my work now. I really do.
I despise not being able to just laze around for abit.
I despise being sick, and still working.
I despise having all my waking hours, which incidentally is all the time, dedicated to work. Especially if its Visual Basic.
I despise having people breathing down my neck.
I despise superiors who doesn't recognise your hard work.

Last but not least,

I despise the fact that I am blogging now, when I should work.

Impulsiveness

2006-07-31T10:55:00.000+08:00

Impulsiveness

It was an impulsive decision. I am only 25, not even 25 yet actually. So close yet so far. It was within my grasp, all my dreams and hope was in that one moment last night. I could leave 'home' for where I truly belonged. Never felt at home here anyways. All my aspirations and faith even, was in that one lil backpack. I wrote a really long post about it, but I think I would like to keep it to myself, what really transpired. I never really given much thought about it, pushing it to one corner of my mind, hoping it will go away, as the repercussions due to my actions, especially towards my loved ones will be immense. But last night, it was too much, I was neither depressed nor angry, I was at lost for no reason, no catalyst or incidents to instigate this state of mind. It was just that it has always lurked around, and last night, when everything has been smooth sailing, it came out. That feeling, that you don't belong here, this never was your place, that you will never truly get what you really need. Wanting something, and needing something is two different things. What you might want, might not be what you really need. As sudden as my decision to leave abruptly, as sudden as that I had doubts, and I was already at the airport, waiting for customer service to enquire on other airlines to cater to my needs then. I was already 3/4 there, it was only a matter of confirming and paying for the boarding pass, and leave, when I just stood there, muttered a " It's not worth it, and I'm sorry for all the trouble, thank you anyways ". And I left, just like that, back to my apartment, back to all of this. Have I suddenly felt hesitant in leaving this country? No. But have I suddenly felt hesitant leaving what and who I have here? *sighs, yes apparently. But if I could by impulse last night, pack up whatever I could into my backpack, and drive up to KLIA to book a one way ticket, if I had came that close to leaving, who's to say I wouldn't be able to do that without remorse the next time. And I am vouching and hoping for that moment. For I don't feel I belong here at all, not to the norms of society, not to the expectations of others, not to the lifestyle here. To some individuals, out there, don't perasan this has anything to do with you, your existence or say has nothing whatsoever to do with my life now, never did to start with. Go on, and psychoanalyse everything, with every word that you utter that's linked to me, proves nothing, really. It's a no brainer, really, the more time wasted on such frivolous endevours such as psychoanalysing and assuming, the further you are than achieving anything. If it helps assuaging all the insecurities, by all means go ahead. *smirks. I might not leave now, but if and when I do, make no mistake, it has nothing to do with anything and anybody. It's me. And me only.

This is really funny, never saw it from that point of view, trust Mr Evil to come up with idiosyncrasies such as this.

[2:02:20] Lizz - Misses the ocean madly...sighs. says:
u know y....coz i couldnt reach u last nite i decided to bail on my running of to *some country* plans

[2:02:46] Mr Evil says:
right...

[2:02:05] Mr Evil says:
i really shld turn it off more then... it seems that i'm encouraging u the wrong way

[2:02:08] Lizz - Misses the ocean madly...sighs. says:
a trip to 7-11 last nite became a trip back home...pack my stuff....n up to klia.

[2:02:13] Mr Evil says:
ur father prob wouldn't like me very much

[2:02:21] Mr Evil says:
the only guy to make his daughter elope... alone.

Yeap, the doubts kicked in coz I couldn't have one last conversation with the most logical being I know, Mr Evil, 'sides as he aptly put so many times, I am Ms Evil, so I can't just bailed like that. Besides, I can only imagine now how he is going to face my parents. Man, now that's scary.

But as I've said and wondered aloud so many times, what does one do when one doesn't feel comfortable and at home? Leave or suck it in and stay? What ever it is, work has been hard, but continuous, I couldn't surf much, but I did last weekend, phheeww really needed to do that. In the process of it, popped my right shoulder. Daymn, but it doesn't hurt that badly. Plans were being made between all of us, 3 hours from Jakarta there is a secluded surf point, then Dreamland, then Phuket, then Bali again, then during the monsoon, Cherating and Kijal every weekend, then for me next year, Agadir, Morocco (hopefully), and Jersey, States, then hop to Quebec, Canada to do a spot of snowboarding with Sasha and Sarah hopefully. Of course it's not an ongoing thing from one spot to one spot, I do need to work, but so far that's the plan. So maybe for the time being I don't need to leave yet. Yet.

100% Dark, 90% Chill Factor, 120% Snuggle Rating

2006-07-26T17:17:00.000+08:00

100% Dark, 90% Chill Factor, 120% Snuggle Rating

It's one of those days, when it's cloudy. Not too cloudy, just enough with the rays of the sun seeping through the clouds, to cast a rather romantic sort of evironment. The strains of Slovo's Whisper could be heard, from the apartment, being carried off by the wind, words and phrases,

~I think I should go now......when I feel I can't breathe no more.......you speak to me.....

It's one of those days, when being in the tropics is a real blessing, when the day is cloudy, yet warm and cooling enough to run around, laughing in the park. It's one of those days, when it changes into a chilly nite, where doing nothing, but lounging around, having some quiet time, with a loved one, is best. Having the perfect music and setting to enjoy the tranquility of it all.

~Do you know....your words could drag the moon down from the sky....seduce my heart with your war cry...

Slovo's sultry notes, smoky vocals, accoustic guitars. Chilled out bliss. The kind that works during winter, when it's really cold and everywhere is blanketed in snow. Winter Chill it's called. Perfect to be enjoyed by oneself or perhaps, with somebody.

~ But this world....will be shaken by a whisper.....

Definitely, 100% deliciously dark, 90% chill factor and 120% snuggle rating. Je pense que je suis dans l'amour,non? Je ne sais pas.

Wtf??!!

2006-07-25T11:13:00.000+08:00

Wtf??!!

What the hell, over an x amount of man hours done safely, which means 0 man hours spent on injury and other watchmacallits, this is the bleeping safety award??!!

An iPod Shuffle??!! That's all??!! As you can see from the grainy quality of the pictures, I could make use of a really good CAMERA 'stead. iPod Shuffle pulak. The least also nano lah, I think x amount of man hours damn keng already woor. This is what I was told to wait for??!! Thought, maybe a new kick ass notebook kah. A cool coffee machine would be good too, no no make it espresso machine, kitchen appliances would be cool, a 37 inch LCD screen would be cool. iPod shuffle? Not cool at all. Haih, give my baby bro lah, seeing that he hasn't been demanding, and has been sweet, and is suffering from his first bouts of pimples or acne. Hhhmm kids nowadays, get a few blemishes also, get iPods already. If only I had that when I was younger. I would've gotten Disneyland I think with the amount of zits I had. Waaiiitt a minute, had? Have actually.

Myths...or rather myths busted for the umpteen time

2006-07-24T11:26:00.000+08:00

Myths...or rather myths busted for the umpteen time

All hail the PLAYER of the Year, Mr. Evil, due to certain circumstances, Mr. Evil shall go on being unnamed, as way too many people are linked to each other in our world or social circles, and we wouldn't want his girlfriend to know, would we? OK, I wouldn't want his girlfriend to know, coz truth is, No he didn't cheat on her with me, but truth is, I won't jeopardize his position just because of feminism or sisterhood, though I am friends with the girlfriend, but I am his best gal pal, or rather I am Ms Evil. So yeah, you go bro, do it for all the players of the world. No, no, no reverse psychology schumck going on here, frankly if you can play the field, go ahead by all means, if your conscience allows, that is. So why do I term it under a myth being busted? Easy peasy.

1. Mr Evil has always strike me as a person who is too logical, logic pertains to everything he does, I mean we are talking about a guy here, whom actually did a research on the internet concerning micro fibres, so as that he can see whether it's a good investment to invest in a micro fibre mop for the apartment. Yeap, a mop. Which only costed 50 bucks I think. Sighs. So in this particular case, in the cheating game that is, utilizing his brand of logic, he's definitely not the type to play around or have fuck buddies. Reasoning for this pre conceived judgement? He's too busy, so no time, equates to being too much of a hassle to just go around playing. That's logic. That's his logic from my perspective. But apparently, it was a case of myth being busted yet again for me, for he did cheat, not once, not twice peeps, hahaha he fucking played around. Wohoo!!!! Way to go dude!!

2. He actually had a few at the same time, aaahhh, all over the place, a man who travels, of course he would have them at different places, sides, it makes the chances of each girl finding out about the other highly unlikely. And well if he had played his cards right, none of them would know about each other. Which is exactly what he did, for his girlfriend is left in the dark still of his amorous escapades.

3. But, logic too dictates that he really is too busy to fool around, and of course the thrill of being a player soon wore off, and besides there was a time when the girlfriend and him were not together, so of course being any normal male, female even, logic dictates that after being in a situation whereby you as a person has always been sexually active, of course you will go ahunting. But alas, due to logic, my Mr Evil here decided to emancipate himself from the joys and freedom of frivoulous playing around. Sighs. 1-0 to the opposition, the loyalty till death do us part society of the world.

So basically, I was partly right, then, his actions for the most part was due to logic, his logic that is. So either way, he has went over to the good side. Ooohh now I get it, why he was advising me to enjoy the attention given, to be deliciously evil. *rubs hands in glee. Hey in my definition, being a player doesn't necessarily means fucking around, it can be being absolutely flirtatious and affectionate, or just being surrounded by the other sex, or the same sex if you're gay. Doesn't naturally mean that you will go back and boink each other brains out. Well, if you define as not believing in relationships and just having flings as being a player, hhmm ok. While you're still young hun, while you're still young.

The other myth is of course lil Marlon, the kid. Now this kid of mine, is a bit of a mystery, why I say so? Here's the thing, I wouldn't know how close we are actually, probably close enough to know his aspirations and his past. Funny thing is though, we don't exactly act as if we are ok with each other in front of other people, well I know I am pretty normal when we are in a bunch of people, he on the other hand seems to love putting up a really pissant kind of act, in this kind of situations. Which is really mind boggling as he can be really sweet at times and a real prick at other times, but I have grown accustomed to his behaviour, I see it as trying to get attention, like a lil brother does, so that is why I call him kid. He never seem to mind though. Either way, kid will always be kid, and I appreaciate the fact that underneath all that macho pissant kind of facade, there is a living breathing person underneath that. Which is why he is classified under myth being busted, for I am not the only one surprised by how compassionate the kid can be, for example;

1. Park came over the other day, and enquire on how are things, I told him everything from the whole picking me up, and the team manager, Thai stating that I was referred to as the M'sian girlfriend ( eeewww, me and kid? gross, seeing that footage on Dre's phone of him losing his boardshorts and mooning everybody save for his surfboard which thankfully was strategically placed in front of his crotch was pretty TRAUMATISING ), and whatever else that ensued. Park just commented this, " Did you know he was on one of those Surfing/Humanitarian mission aboard the MV Nauli? ", and I was like " Noooooo ( imagine Russel Peter's chinku No here ), Lon was doing that? Are you sure we are talking about the same kid here? ". Well apparently he was on that particular trip on the MV Nauli, when the tsunami happen. In fact it was the same one that everybody was talking about, which had Micah Byrne in it. I didn't believe it at first obviously, as he never said anything about it, other than how much hot are girls, girls this, girls that, surf this, surf that, what's wrong with quiksilver, yada yada, but for the most part, being cheeky and about girls only. So imagine my surprise when I found this article, Ground Zero, and apparently they all saved Asu, a whole village and they were like giving out aids, and tending to their wounds. Imagine that, my lil kid is a hero. Hahahah, I so have to bring this up with him. Or maybe I shall feign ignorance as always when it comes to him, might as well, seeing he is already cocky with the amount of girls throwing themselves at him. Sighs, boys, when will they ever learn?

2. From Dre, I found out that, kid was actually Indonesia's Joe Millionaire, well actually it was supposed to be Tipi, but Tipi was seeing somebody then, so he couldn't be roped in. Now Tipi is another myth busted thingy, muka macam tu, perangai macam tu, selamber nak mampos, abit snobbish, tapi won the Sexiest Surfer Award 2004, fucking funny lah wei. Through out lunch, all I could do was to refrain myself from saying anything as all the boys were there and I was feeling a bit out of place. Shy woor, no really seriously, I get pretty quiet when there's like a whole lot of them, and start doing my own thing, a few oklah, this is like what 10 of them, scary shit I tell you. Dahlah kena teased already because of my glasses, Do_op. So anyways, I will let pictures tell out the whole story of myth busted Joe Millionaire.

See so damn the comel right? In a suit, looking quite distinguished and whatever terms you girls use to describe lah. Cute right? Imagine my shock when I saw that magazine. Having lunch, really nice fresh red snapper, with butter sauce, flipping through the mag, and saw and basically choked and spewed chunks of fish all over my buddies. Why, such a violent reaction? Because.........

And this, Sighs

This is how kid looks like now, any similarities to the Joe Millionaire pic? Mana ader, like what Charm said, he looks really cute in the suit, but what went wrong lah? Muka macam tongkang pecah I said. But believe it or not, girls flock him, they would love to have their butts pinched by this tongkang pecah face, where else, me? I believe I had physically assaulted him on more than one occasion for his cheeky hands, where he'll yowled in pain. Nasib baik, I only find you mildly annoying. And I know how to cope with younger kids, the best is to ignore them till they behave.

But me and Charm do agree on one thing, that is, he's a swell surfer.

Yeap, one of the many maneouvres he can make. You can see this particular pic in the latest Surf Time mag though, taken a few months back I think, can't remember. A roundhouse cutback, if I am not wrong, and I can't do that yet. The pictures says it all, I don't even know how to blog about the differences in physical attributes there. Or I am just too lazy. Oh Oh, another myth that he busted for me, the kid actually believes in love, and wanting to settle down with somebody, and he still thinks about his first love. Wow, such a sap! ;P still young don't do irrational things like getting committed or married lah stupid. But that's my take on it, not anybody else's.

I never thought the day would come that I would blog about this lil kid here in such a direct way, but its fun to have all your myths being busted over and over again. I mean some people are so predictable, you can just know what they're capable of saying, doing or being in the future, kinda boring I think. Predictability is definitely the bane of all things thats fun. And that includes the act of observing people.

Numbers, digits, Integers, whatever you may call them.

2006-07-21T13:56:00.000+08:00

Numbers, digits, Integers, whatever you may call them

Yeah, numbers, pretty much defined alot of things in life doesn't it? In most cases the bigger or higher the value or said digit, the better it is, this applies to amount of money, equities, properties, yada yada, whatever else that revolves around leading a comfortable, stable, financially apt lifestyle. This higher or bigger value theory too, seems to apply to most women, they prefer older men, older than them, or maybe like way older like me parents and that whole brou haha haha merger ( yes, I define that as a merger ) between Shitty Nurhaliza and Dato' K. What's with this fascination of older men? I just don't get it, now now before you come to a conclusion that I am a cradle snatcher or closeted paedophile who hunts down lil boys, you are absolutely, gloriously partly right! LOL.

Now, what I meant was, I don't mind younger boys, somehow, they're more pleasant and easy going, especially when they are on the same wavelength as you are on the terms of girl-boy relationships. However older men, hhhmm, for starters I can't help but feel like that I am being babied, I have to inform how, when, what, who, where, which, etc etc. What I meant by older men, are men who are like 7 years or more, older than me, and no Mr Evil, it doesn't include you, you on the other hand has every right to question what I do, coz you don't do it, which means, you trust me enough to handle things meself. YAY. Now that's credit given when it's due.

Take for example, the existence of a 34 year old, whom might I add, is rather IT illiterate. Not a problem I think, but times have changed, and people have changed, and I find it excessively annoying telling a person for the 1000 and 1 time, that a Dopod and an IPod is two different things. This is another classic example of the Bigger Number, the better it is Theory refuted. It is not cute acting stupid or deliberately being an imbecile just so the other person will talk to you. Why I say that, sometimes, things as simple as TPM Global Meeting, on which you have texted the spelling, the said 34 year old, seems to deliberately misspelled it, just to obtain a remark or something out of you, TPM becomes TPG, mp3 becomes fp3 or something like that, IPod = Dopod ( why? coz both has Pod in it, is his reasoning ). Ok, you could call it an honest mistake, but after repeating the same things for the umpteen time within a span of 5 minutes, what do you think? Either he is really a dumbass which I doubt so, or he just thinks he's being cute and funny. Either way, GROSS. I don't mind idiots who are trying to learn, and who actually makes an effort to, but this is bordering on dementia, coz he obviously doesn't. Not to mention, the amount of time he spends breathing down my neck, during the last surf trip, prior to the trip and after it too. OHMYGAWD. Oh oh, I can't take care of myself, help me please, *in meek childlike voice. Can anybody imagine me doing that? Sighs, I have been avoiding him like the plague, coz I know, if I let him do anything within my vicinity, I will become a full blown bitch, and start bitching. Thank gawd for a blog. Can blow some steam off.

Fine, one 30 something year old is not good enough of a reason to conclude that most older men sucks, wait, wait. To this part, I will say the Bigger Number, the better it is Theory, works. More case studies on these species the more it further reinforces the idea of them. A 32 year old on the other hand goes all questioning and stuff, when I said, bro, I am not around this week, please inform the others. Sighs, and he will ask and ask and ask, when I'll be back, how, who, where etc etc. Look, see of it as something really good that I even tell you I'm not going to be around, coz I don't like this kinda things, heck I don't even inform my parents where I'm going till the last minute. Annoys the hell out of me. Then insults me by asking why is there a need for me to be so good with the pros and follow them surfing, that I shouldn't be doing so, I shouldn't go to Lombok, that irregardless of how much time I spent surfing and learning with the pros, I will never be able to take on a 10 footer wave, which he proceeded to ask me out on a date even after I so nicely put in such layman terms, NOT INTERESTED. I realized that the older they are, the denser they get. FYI, I can take 10 footers, don't be surprised when you see my pic in their magazines, taken by Childs himself. In fact in such a short span of time, I have even achieved most of the tricks that you can now, which took you, what? 7 to 9 years. Tsk tsk. Besides I was invited for all their sessions, seeing that like what they said, in reality there are very few adamant female surfers.

Older men, with music and technology, and other things. Sighs, Crystal Method becomes Liquid Crystal, saying the words " I don't know" warrants more questions, becoz they seem to think the more they badger, the LORD will see it that He will pop an answer in my brain, to be given to them. The more you say, Look I am busy I can't talk, or I am really tired, I'm trying to sleep, the more the influx of text messages, even when you choose to ignore answering any, they will text you the next day. It has been a nerve wrecking couple of weeks, I was busy and still is busy, I am not at anybody's beck and call. I haven't went surfing ever since I came back, coz I don't have time, I have been working and organising things. Geez man, ppl who are closer to me too don't even put up such ruckus, in fact a couple of friends, who had a stopover and stayed at my place, didn't bother me so much, they knew I was busy, so they pretty much took care of themselves.

Older men are so fucking boring, I am not sorry to say that, my dad's like way older, but he prides in himself to be technologically savvy, which he is. If he can do so, why not these two idiots amongst many I've met? Yeah, you can say different working industry mah, my dad's an engineer, he shouldn't know how to do Java or C by right, but he does. Interest. Not by being an idiot and just ask non stop the same old thing over and over again. Redundant-nya. And I thought I could learn from older people, yeah rite....nothing, zip, zilch, nada, elek, whatever lah.

I like younger man, you tell them "no", they back off, they don't question you so much, coz they know you can take care of yourself.

And oh, this is the best, already know I'm on international roaming, still have to call, and I can't not answer coz I can't see the number, and I have to switch on my phone, till I couldn't take it anymore that, I will buy extra local mobile lines from where I am, and just switch my malaysian line off, leave a voice mail stating my new number, on which said person won't call coz too expensive. Oh tau pulak, that it's expensive, how about whenever you call me on my mobile while I'm on roaming? Saper yang bayar hah?! Dongoi! Dungu!...because of you one idiot ah, my bill now damn the cantik already, ingat aku aper, jutawan?! That bill could be spent well shopping instead of answering your nonsensical questions. Bodoh!. Everything in USD you moron.

Hah, that felt good, ranting here, all this while I kept quiet and ignore, but weeeii,,, after receiving my phone bill today, this is too much lah. Here is another the Bigger Number, the better it is Theory that fucking fails. The bigger the digits, in bills, the worse it is, especially when it's within the range of thousands on phone bills. Hey they charge in USD ok, not rupiah ok, especially when I'm like in remote areas like Lombok. It's not like I didn't tell them, I fucking did, hey that few minutes also kan, cost alot especially when you accumulate all of them together with other more important people calling me you know.

P/s: Older men always have the word commitment in their minds. So not me.

When realization hits you

2006-07-19T15:45:00.000+08:00

When realization hits you

Funny that, when it is the most critical moment of the day for you, your mind starts to play tricks on you. When I said CRITICAL, I meant SLEEP time, LOL, it is for me now, especially ever since I've been getting only on an average of 2-3 hours sleep a day, before I have to rush out for work and other what nots. Not that I am complaining, about running about, but it's the part whereby when I need to sleep and I can only have like probably 2 hours sleep prior to some planned armageddon ( yes, I see as trudging up the pathway of certain terrains where I stay, and trampling all over lil harmless ants, and screaming out of surprise and rage, when surprise surprise one of those lil pesky ants had the audacity of bitting me, after I had trampled all over THEIR home, as planned armageddon ), anyways, that part boggles my mind, actually. But either way, the outcome of such mind numbing or is it searching of the meaning of life, ( hhhmm, odd that I see it as that per se ) experiences or glitches, has provided me with liberating lil tit bits, or nuggets, or whatever others may call it, about certain aspects of events, more so ever than that animated character from MTV, that rasta pong shui dude. You can absolutely tell when I ain't getting enough sleep when I'm pulling a mo jo jo here, or when I'm blabbering crap.
So I've realized ;

1. That my apartment, is no longer my primary home, primary home is work, or rather where ever work is, then in second place, my car, yesh, the comforter at the back, looks damn tempting to sleep on. Third place, aaahh my apartment. Fourth place, me mum's, for the food of course for the food. Fifth place, heheheh anywhere that I can surf, especially dreamland, or any places that has big ass bodies of CLEAN water. In fact I think there's half a room of my things, clothes, surfboards, leashes, extra chargers, stash of cash, books, somewhere at Halfway...hehehe go figure.

2. That my apartment is in serious need of some lovin', the visits up to the Landscaping Festival, made me feel that I have been neglecting my darling babes, especially when I don't even remember the size of the balcony, thus ordering only 5 bags of 20 kgs, polished black japanese stones. Sighs. Back to the drawing board then. Plus, after 2 months or was it 3 months, of staying at that place, I have still not put in all the fixtures of the lights, that uuhmm, some idiots, who came like thousands of miles away insisted on wanting to fix it for me. Needless to say, I didn't let them, but I vowed that the next time they have a stopover I will have it done already. ( Yeah right )

3. That I fong fei kei alot of people, and the best is this, they have like bought food and goodies for me, and I still can't see them, because of my work. Tonight, tonight, must not fong fei kei again, must not. HAHAHAHA. Must go out and have normal wholesome fun at the movies. Must.

4. That I am in serious need of sex and flings. Ooops forget that I said that. Say "Tak Nak" to whimsical You've Got Mail kind of romances. Holiday flings kind of romances are the way to go. No expectations. At all.

5. Never ever, ever, ever tell your friends about the miss you had with said cute snowboarder dude, just because your aunty decided to visit you then. They will never ever, ever, ever let it go man. Especially people like Mr. Evil who will always say things to insinuate that he's getting some and you, due to your stupid ass aunty didn't get any. BAH!

6. That I have another reason to watch CSI: New York now, Carmine Giovinazzo, or who is popularly known as Detective Danny Messer. Aaw, he's the younger dude with the glasses and tattoo, and looks bloody hot when he played handball. A man who looks smart, seems smart, looks good and spots a tattoo, be still my beating heart. Though it's only a character he plays, a girl can still dream can't she?

7. The reason I steadfastly hold on to my glasses, is that it is the last frontier for me as a geek. My last and only geeky piece of me.

8. That my study room is slowly changing into a store room which contains all my items which all play or played a part in me being the person that I am. My boards, be it the surfboards, the battered limited edition signed quiksilver skateboard ( just procured it from my lil baby bro, ok fine he's not so baby anymore, but he is to me, and yeah he's more into being a cadet and bike stunts, thingy, Dave Mirra and the lot lah ), the K2 beat up roller blades ( gawd, i think it's more or less 11 years old already now ), the abstract paintings and lil baubles of stuff that I have collected from everywhere over the span of 5 years ( which incidentally would clash horribly with my bacholerette pad, hey, minimalistic kay, not cultured or tribal or warm ), and soon, my onyx snowboard, of which hopefully my dad remembers to pick up from my friend in Frankfurt on the flight back here, end of this month. Actually, not into snowboarding at all, it was more of a spur of the moment thing, when I gotten it ( But I guess, I will have to go to Quebec next year, at least to help somebody out with organising the comps, bleearrgghh ). Scary shit man, careening down the slopes, just give me a shallow and hollow tube of water any day. Yeah, it's easier to pick up, compare to other things, but hmm prolly not my thing kut. It'll be nice alongside the other boards I have though.

9. That like going through a bag of caramel popcorn to find that illusive delicious kernel of buttery, sugary, caramelised goodness that makes you go sigh in pleasure. The same thing can be applied to finding the right thing for oneself, hhmm, that explains the short attention span I have on things. I hope that surfing is my delicious wholesome kernel of goodness then.

10. That my hair is an awful shade of brown now, streaky I call it, Mr Evil calls it nicely streaky and layered. Different shades of brown depending on which side gets the most sun, bah! Now, underneath all that light brown is a darker shade of brown, so I can be officially called an ugly ass brown nut.

11. That I wouldn't trade my experience being in the DJ console room at clubs for anything in the world. Watching them DJs spin and scratch and looking through their cd collections is just priceless.

12. That my annoying lil 'bro', has the exact specifications to just be a lil bro, annoying and bratty. Hehehehehe. ;P

13. That quitting one's job to just surf and wait for waves in malaysia is so not me. I am no bum, don't intend to be one, unless I ride pro, that too, I'll do things at the side. And calling me not patriotic, just coz I like to travel to other places to surf than Malaysia, is just so passe. Didn't you know, I have no sense of belonging, so screw patriotism. Oh anybody wants to buy off a country for a buck? Please call me. DOPE!

Kind of long written isn't it? This so called nuggets of realization is not anything great, I can do without them, especially when I need to get some sleep. I mean, wahey, it's not like, at that specific moment just before I sleep, is any important. With the way my mind's playing it out, it's like as if it's a deus ex machina, that it must happen then, in order to save all of mankind. Hahahah, now that's funny. Me? Saving anybody? *laughs histerically.

Written to the sounds of Fat Jon and Nujabes, famed fellas of the Samurai Champloo Tracks, all time favourite, Silver Morning.

The quirky things in life

2006-07-17T16:02:00.000+08:00

The quirky things in life

~she said OOooohh darling, don't you know, the darkness comes and the darkness goes ~ Duncan Sheik's She runs away.

Such an old song, but still an old time favourite. A feel good song. Reminds her, how some old things doesn't struck a chord of her heartstrings anymore, and new things does now.

It has been awhile, for she no longer remembers the ramifications of Damien Rice. Iris, by Goo Goo Dolls, has been sung with a new beginning now, with a new epic, and not forgetting on a bike, in a blistering cold night. The playful voice of Jamie Cullum no longer perturbes her too.

Snow Patrol has marked a fresh new start for her, ever since she heard the kids singing You're All I Have, whilst playing cricket. She heard it again, in another place.

Howie Day's Collide was sung with such tomfoolery and humour, on a beat up old guitar, with no capo on the 4th fret, thus needing one of the boys to hold it down, while she strum horribly, and they sang horribly.

Duncan Sheik's Wishful Thinking no longer makes her feel wistful. Jamiroquai's 7 days in Sunny June, reminds her of June.

Coffee use to remind her of one of her friends, whereby he's an avid fan of coffee, now it reminds her of another avid fan of coffee too, a beloved lil kid. Now looking at Starbucks, it reminds her of the cute lil paperback she's gotten from them. And of course the blue colored hair barista, called Raven, whom since has left to further his studies, when she wasn't around.

Dusk reminds her of looking from afar, the boys having a day out on the sickest and dirtiest wave. Sweet. With her looking on wishing, one day she will be as good as them.

The song Mungkin Nanti, reminds her of her girlfriend backpacking through Europe now. How much she misses her, and looks forward to their planned trip through Asia. Her board, Amidamaru, reminded her, of how long and tiring the day was when she went hunting for it. A pleasant surprise whereby just after lunch with them, she stumbled upon Dre.

Looking at any magazines now, it reminded her of the newsletter, where it had a caption " Unknown female surfer getting down and nasty, proving girls can do it as well as the boys " under a picture, black rashie, black striped pink cult boardies and a green striped white board, familiar eh?

Life is quirky, and funny too. Sometimes pick up lines just doesn't work, and the blunt truth works better. Sometimes the lamest jokes cracks people up the most. Sometimes having no ass, is a good thing. Sometimes when taken lightly, boys can be quite hilarious. And sometimes the worst things or situations or problems, will be the best thing to ever hit a person. And of course, nothing, as in nothing beats, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, and Samurai Jack 'coz.

Creepy Fingers

2006-07-14T17:15:00.000+08:00

Creepy Fingers

Tag line : Creepy Fingers : What do escargot and surfing have in common?

A Veeco production, of a surf flick. By Volcom Stone. Appropriate, hahaha.

Peace of Mind

2006-07-13T12:18:00.000+08:00

Peace of Mind

" How does one define peace of mind? ", she wondered.

She was in the office, working. When she has received an offer, to help managed one of the riders. She can't, she won't, she might one year from now, but not now. But that is not the question now, is it?

She was often called the trouble maker, due to the fact that anything she dabbled in, trouble comes along, be it in relationships, people in general, work, money, anything. So for once, she went into something quietly, not wanting to cause any if possible, but, alas, it was a sick cycle all over again. But this time, she too figured that she's not about to let all of this go.

As she sat there, on the balcony, overlooking the golf course, she thought of her past. Funny, it doesn't bother her as much, she has learnt that she is incapable of a few things, thus avoid all of them at all costs.

It was 2 in the morning, she rarely has time for herself nowadays, what with her work, exams, travelling, family, friends, surfing, events, planning of comps, amongst other things. She looked on the makeshift table she made out of two clothes rails, where she had laid her Mini Mal board on them.

" What kind of crazy person, is scraping and cleaning her board at 2 in the morning ? ", she wondered.

The moon hung in the sky, it doesn't happen often, but somehow the moon looked slightly orange tinged red, a rare phenomenon, but science has it that it was due to the alignment of the moon, earth and the sun that produces this.

She pondered over the recent events, men being men, refused NO as an answer, especially 30 somethings, the younger ones seemed more understanding and understand her needs to just be by herself and have fun. Some people love to jump on conclusions without even bother knowing the real reasons of her travelling, so let it be, for now she understands why he refused to have anything to do with that said person.

" Some people are capable of bringing you down, of grounding you, of making you feel that you need to justify every actions done by you, when you can go so far and fly way higher ".

Something that she and others agreed upon said person. Leech, freeloader, those words keeps on making it appearances in her mind, upon thinking about some individuals. Oh well, that's over with, she thought to herself. It's nice to have the tables turn for a change to her preference now.

She realizes that she should be having the time of her life, and she is in actual fact. Somehow, word got around, about how some individuals are not so happy with her new found freedom, it makes her misses the ocean with such an intensity.

Her close male friend, had this to say,

" You are here without them, you didn't need them, and you definitely don't need support from them, let them say what they want ".

Her close female friends, said these,

" Take comfort in knowing that like me, you're doing something that most women can't do, the high you get when you're up there, looking at everybody, and knowing that these same people are not capable of what you're doing, that's good enough ". a very passionate music lover said.

" Some people can't handle it, that you're doing something for yourself, and you should only let it spur you on ", said another.

She has always been one to forge on against people, especially those who does nothing but whine about how mundane and boring everything is. Her life long motto is this, " The more you bitch about me, the better I get ". That's her fuel.

She held on to her raspberry martini drink, while looking up to the moon, took a sip, savouring the taste, her freedom, her aspirations, the obstacles and thought,

" Life is good ".

I fucking can't believe this.

2006-07-12T16:18:00.000+08:00

Fucking unbelievable

It was Benji Weatherly, ohmygawd!!! I just realized that it was Benji Weatherly. FUCK!!!!!!! I fucking can't believe this, and I left early. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!

On a totally different but lighter note, I was told to ride on somebody's glory seeing that we are close and he was kinda hitting on me, screw that, I am going to do this on my own. Of course, I gotta admit it does help, knowing most of them. But if I want to be good, no no, great, I have to do this on my own.

On another note altogether, Lon has left Quiksilver after a month of riding with them, citing, irreconcilable working styles. He has been offered a 3 year deal with Rusty, and ever since then has been with Rusty. His old sponsors. Oh well, at least that's what he said lah. I'm not going to say much or who else he was talking about.

Quiksilver might, might only have a comp in Cherating, end of this year. That's what Tipi said, I don't know. We can only wait and see.

To hell with all of this news and whatsoever news I know of now....all I can say is, what the fuck??!! Benji Weatherly??ooohh maaannn...that was bloody embarrassing.

Disclaimer: I don't understand how some people can go, all goo goo gaa gaa over them, especially Lon, ahahah....he's like a kid brother. But I bloody respect them as great surfers. *kow tow.

Love at first sight

2006-07-12T13:21:00.000+08:00

Love at first sight

" Do you believe in love at first sight? ", he asked.

They were walking by the beach, it was dark, the moon was acting as a beacon for them, emitting sufficient light to walk along the shells strewn shore line. An offshore wind was blowing, the sounds of waves crashing against the beach was soothing to one's ears. They just had dinner at a quaint lil restaurant, and decided to walk back by walking along the beach. She was dressed in a black lightly sequinned halter top, a denim mini skirt and covered patent leather flats. He was in a shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, light brown chinos pants and leather loafers. Both of them has taken of their shoes, she was walking gingerly by the shoreline, enjoying the feeling of sand and sea water between her toes. He was watching her with amusement.

She paused in the middle of digging her toes into the wet warm sandy ground. He was waiting for an answer. She turn to face him with a bemused look.

" I would never think that you of all people would ask such a thing ", she replied.

" Why? Is it so hard to conceived that I do think about matters close to the heart at times? For your information, I don't make it a life long mission to just chase anything that wears a skirt, though it might seemed so at the present moment ", he retorted.

She just raised an eyebrow over the remark, and continued walking. Apparently he wasn't satisfied, for,

" You haven't answered my question yet ", he called out while catching up with her.

" The question, should be, do I even believe in the concept of love and fidelity ", she answered nochalantly.

" Don't you? ", he asked.

" Regretfully, no, I don't, I believe in partnerships, equality and convenience, I am incapable of loving anybody, or being loved for that matter, does it make me bitter? Only you can answer that. Logic pertains to everything I believe, why bother having a relationship, when I am incapable of being true and honest to him, when I don't believe in the concept of trust and fidelity. Why bother hurting others? ", she retorted back lightly.

" Now that's not true, I don't believe you're bitter as you're always happy it seems, in fact, you striked me as a hopeless romantic at times with your way of handling certain aspects of situations ", he replied.

" What is funny is having this conversation with you of all people, I mean c'mon, both of us knows of your colorful philandering ways with women, though most of the time I realized the kind of women you seemed to have so much fun playing with are those who lacks a certain kind of intellegence, your average honeys. To which it brings me to this question, if you're ready for a relationship why bother stringing along and sleeping with all sorts of women? ", she lightheartedly asked while smiling.

" The same reason most men do, we haven't found the right one I supposed, I am aware that it's not reason enough to toy around with another person's feelings but all's fair in love and war. Only that it is lust instead of love ", he said.

" Ah, now that's a concept I fully fathom ", she laughs heartily.

" You're such a flirt ", he said while grinning.

By which he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and brought her closer to kiss her on the head. She giggled. They trudged up the sandy dunes to walk towards the main street. He was still holding her by the shoulders. She had no qualms about it.

" Say, what would you say if I were to say I felt abit jealous when I saw you with the other guys today? ", he asked while getting on the scooter parked by the street.

" I would say, why should you and oh well, what can I say, it's just a feeling, nothing's wrong about it ", she said as she clambered on the back of the scooter and lean against his back.

The illusive smile crept up on his face. She saw that.

" So I take it you were jealous ", she said laughingly.

" Well I do like you ", he said.

" Wrong move dear, you shouldn't like me, besides, I don't think you can cope with me being chummy with other men ", she said.

" I think I know you well enough by now, to know, that unlike all of us men, though you are flirtatious, you don't simply jump into the sack with anybody ", he said.

" Au contraire, that might have changed since you last saw me ", she answered.

They zip along the streets, everything passes by in a stream of lights, the night was still young, to reach an establishment of some sort, which turns out to be a really classic warm bar cum restaurant, a crowd was already there, to watch the match. He passed her his sweater seeing that it was a chilly night. She graciously took it.

They enjoyed every moment of watching the match, even sneaking a glance or two at the other table, which had this loving gay couple, and giggled over their antics.

He drove them back later after the match, upon reaching the door of her room, he leaned against to whisper,

" Pour etre honnete, je crois au coup de foudre, depuis que je vous ai vu ", and gave her a light peck on the cheek.

She stared up to him, and smiled.

" Good night, dear, as for what I've said, that's for me to know and for you to find out ", he said langourously.

She held onto his arm, and brought him closer to her and whispered huskily,

" Le coup de foudre ? il est une illusion ", she answered, while giving him a light kiss on his lips.

" Good night ", she said and went into her room, shutting her door towards him.

He stood there, and smiled.

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

2006-07-11T17:47:00.000+08:00

Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

The cutest cartoon, I've watched ever since the Power Puff Girls, in fact it's also created by the same creator, Craig McCraken. The theme is bloody infectious. Bloody adorable creatures, plus, there's even a bit of broadway injected into one of the episodes, when Bloo was roped in evilly to star in a broadway production as a deodorant stick.

Blooregard Q. Kazoo. Created by Mac, Bloo is Mac's best friend. As Mac grew older, Mac's mum deemed that Mac is too old to have an imaginary friend, thus Bloo was accepted at Madam Foster's home for imaginary friends. My favourite character so far.

I love the cartoon so much that I've bookmarked the site, hahahah, it's so cute. Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

Bloody Tourniquet

2006-07-10T11:19:00.000+08:00

Bloody Tourniquet

" Try not to say anything about his bad leg, don't even look at it ", he said.

" Have I ever said anything about a person's defect before, kak? ", she asked.

" Well, there is the fat lady the other day by the beach in that bikini, and that fat kid,.....

" See the commonality there, fatness, or obesity, I don't see why they can't take care of themselves, and I wasn't bitching about it kay, it was an observation ", she retorted.

" But daymn that woman was hideous in that bikini, gives me nightmare bro ", another he piped in.

" Anyways, just don't say anything or look, he's pretty grumpy about it ", he reminded all of them.

A group of them, were waiting by the port for the charter boat. They saw it approaching from the horizons, the 80ft vessel, all armed with their surfboards and equipment, they were more than stoked to hit the waves.

She saw him first when she boarded the boat, she noticed the slight limp he has when he came over to greet the crew, she removed her sunnies, smiled and introduced herself. Everybody was slowly getting together, greeting each other.

He was looking at her, she noticed. "ah, probably coz normally very few females follows this kind of planning ", she thought. He looked rough, seasoned out and tan from the sun. There's something forebidding about his expression. And yet, he looks vaguely familiar too. Others might be intimidated by him, but she felt nothing. His mixed parentage features was apparent even under the tan, and rather than looking weather beaten, he'd look as if life itself has been cruel to him instead.

It was night fall, and she grew tired of the boys' loud and crude jokes. She needed some peace and quiet, she left for the decks, the charter boat was travelling at a cruising speed. Luckily for her, she has brought some reading material, she sat on one of the deck chairs. The night was silent apart from the occasional muffled laughters of the boys, and the low howling of the wind. The moonlight was splashed across the boards, providing a bluish shimmery tinge over them. One of the shortboards, she saw a cloth of some kind, browned due to age tied along side with the leash to the tail, the moonlight casted an eerie light over it, she felt disturbed by it. She looked up to avoid looking at it, observing the star littered sky and soon spotted The Crux, or rather what is popularly known as the Southern Cross.

" Ah the Southern Cross, a beautiful sight indeed, especially at this time of the year, due to it's brilliance, it has became a constellation of its own by the 16th century ", a low drawl came from behind.

Surprised, she looked behind and saw the man with the limp.

" It was once, one part of the Cenfaraus constellation, and it also contains the notably famous, Kappa Crucis cluster, also known as The Jewel Box, which is composed of over a hundred stars, half of it red and blue supergiants, to produce a profusion of intermingled blue, red, yellow and white sparkling light ", she said after a minute of hesitation.

Silence fell between them.

" So how long have you been standing there? ", she asked in trying to make a conversation.

" Long enough, to finally realized where I have seen you before ", he replied.

Shock riddled her body. He was now looking at her, and suddenly walked over to the board that had the cloth attached to it, and walked towards her. In the darkness of the night, with just the light rays of the moon, he looked menacing. Yet, she wasn't afraid, fear was something she wasn't accustomed to for quite awhile now. He sat beside her and held up the piece of cloth for her to see. It had brown stains, and it looked as if it was torn from a shirt.

" Thank you ", he said suddenly.

She looked at him, with a bewildered look.

" For saving my life, for saving my leg, in 2002 ", he said.

" I don't understand what you're saying, I think you have gotten the wrong person, I wasn't here, that wasn't me ", she denied vehemently.

" I know it was you, I don't know why you're denying it, but I know it was you ", he pressed on.

Silence fell between them again.

" Sighs, this piece of cloth, was the tourniquet, you or rather she tied for my leg, I was walking past a block away when it happen, the impact was so strong, shrapnels was flying everywhere, I was thrown on my back with bits of debris and glass all over my back, my leg, had a glass piece through it ", he paused to look at her.

She was staring into space, her face devoid of any emotions.

" You ran past, alongside a white guy, I grabbed ahold of your leg, asking, begging for help, as everybody was in a panic frenzy, you stopped, and was repriminded by the white guy for stopping, everything was such a haze for me, all I remembered was, you pulled me up near the alley, behind some walls, you tore something and tied it around my leg, and the next thing I know, I was in the hospital, where the nurses said I could've lost not only my leg but my life too, has it not been the tourniquet that was found around my thigh ", he continued.

She was still stoical, but he saw the flicker of recognition in her eyes. As quick as that flicker came, as quick as that it dissappeared too.

" I've asked for the piece of cloth, luckily for me, they had it still, ever since then, I had tied it alongside my leash, to remind me of the good luck I had, to survive it ", he said.

" It's not me, that's for sure, I was still studying then, so I think you have gotten the wrong person ", she simply said.

" Maybe, but I will never forget the determined look she had in her face then, and to see it again just now, in you. Look I don't know what reasons you might have for denying this, but all I can say is Thank you, thanks for saving me ", he said.

With that he stood up and turn to walk away when,

" No....., thank YOU ", she said.

He just looked down at her, she was still expressionless, but somehow she looked more human then. Seeing that she wanted to be alone, he left for the galley.

She was still staring up the sky, but now the Southern Cross no longer amused her. She stared blankly, remembering the vivid images. She wept with relief and melancholy. She felt lighter than she ever did.

Tattoos

2006-07-07T12:20:00.000+08:00

Tattoos

In a tattoo parlour, while flipping through the pages of all the designs, she chanced upon, one that looks really good, a stylized tribal anteloupe. It looked familiar, then she recalled the tattoo found on a 5,600 years old mummy, in National Geographic, it's the one. He on the other hand, was talking to the owner about his recently made yin yang tattoo. Pretty dodgy, she thought of his tattoo.

" This looks nice, right? ", she asked.

" Yeah, it does, isn't it from that tundra mummy they found a couple of years ago? ", he quizzed.

" Yeah, thought you didn't know that, I was thinking about getting this one too now seeing that design is here ", she said.

" Hahahaha, don't you think it's high time you give me credit for at least watching National Geographic to compensate the fact that I hate reading, frankly I don't really like the idea of you having any tatts for that matter ", he replied.

" That's ironic, Dre, seeing that almost the whole space on both of your arms are fully occupied by tatts ", she said while poking his tatts, consisting of a few words of being stoked, having faith in the love of his life, the yin yang symbol, and several others.

" Ah, but that's me, remember I was a practising muslim for two years, so I do know, that you're not suppose to get any, and besides, the flamel insignia, as I recalled is a cross with a serpent running through it, kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it if you do get caught by the religious affairs people back at your place, though you don't believe in any religion, having that on your back says otherwise for people who doesn't know the significance of the insignia right? ", he retorted.

" Well, yeah, not that it matters anyways, chances are nothing will happen, pay them off, I guess, nothing to it, religious affairs idiots are rather an ignorant lot ", she replied lackadasaically.

" Ah, you're being snobbish now, aren't you, though that might be true, try not to say it, we wouldn't want you to hurt the feelings of others, do we? ", he chided.

" Sorry, I'm just tired of it all, I guess ", she replied apologetically.

He frowned, she has brooched the topic of wanting a tattoo numerous times, and he has always been apprehensive of it. She on the other hand, was starting to feel the heat, as it is disturbing that a catholic is telling her what she should do for what is perceived as her religion by birth. It reminded her of his story, his past, his situation.

The whole situation was rather kafkaesque and surreal, a nightmarish fictional world not so unlike Kafka and yet real enough. Here was a man who was borne into christianity, but for love, practised Islam, and was happy practising it, towards the end to find his heart shattered, when he later discovered the love of his life was and still is a heroin addict. His devotion for her, came with a heavy price, while he didn't lose his life, he did lost everything that is important to him in the strictest of sense. He was living proof of the proverbial phrase, " Curiousity killed the cat ", not knowing how to shoot up and the desire to see what is it about heroin that his love couldn't forego it, compelled him to try it. Just once, just once was all he did, to have an OD, thus slipping into a coma, loosing his right eye and simaltenously his sponsorship along with it.

" He has been royally screwed by a woman ", his best friend said time over time.

She couldn't agree more, upon remembering his best friend's words. Whilst looking on at him, finding that he was still brooding. She realized that he had always been broody, ever since she could remember. Most people, had came to the conclusion that he is well, a snob, seeing that he doesn't smile and appeared morbid for the most part. In fact that was her initial impression of him too. She soon realizes that he in actual fact, is a very shy person, who doesn't know how to react to compliments. It took him awhile to warm up to her. Once he did, he was a different person, still broody, yes, but at least warm and laidback. He instantaneously warmed up to her friends, much to her delight. One even cited the fact that he was such a gentleman, seeing that he pulled out a chair for her. She just smiled.

" Smile more dear, you'll feel better when you smile ", she commented once the ice was broken between them in the early stages.

" I don't look good when I smile ", he answered then.

" Everybody does, kid, and that includes you as well ", she replied.

She rarely gets to see his eyes, as they were always hidden behind a pair of sunnies. He felt inadequate with his glass eye. Truth to be known had he not pointed out his condition, she would have thought nothing of it. Over time, she would occasionally, lift his sunnies, as to let his eyes breath as she would always say. Over time, he started to do it by himself, more often too. She finds his eyes beautiful, it reminded her of her father's eyes, she commented to him once. Much to her chagrin, he replied while laughing, " Are you saying that I looked as manly as your dad? ", she blushed, and retorted, " At least he doesn't listen to the band, Blue ", and by this time it was his turn to blush.

Now he was sitting there, quiet, and deep in thought.

" What are you thinking about? Still adamant about the tatts? ", he asked.

" Franz...

" Kafka, right? ", he cuts her mid sentence.

" Yeah, how did you....

" Know?, as I've said, I might not read as much as you do, but I do know some stuff, and besides, what else will you be thinking of when you're so intent in observing me sitting here, other than how Kafkaesque everything seems, am I right about this? ", he replied.

" You never cease to amuse me, dear ", she answered.

" So are we leaving this joint with or without your tatts? ", he asked.

" Sometimes, there are certain tatts, invicible to the naked eye which are more worthy and leaves more of a profound meaning to a person than a cosmetic one I would think, so without, for now ", she answered.

" Ah, are we talking about me now? ", he asked.

" If you'd like to think so ", she replied.

" Profound huh? Never thought of that before, anyways are you sure about this? ", he asked, while trying to smother down the look of victory on his face, a smile was creeping up.

" I'm sure for now, 'sides I can always go and have it done myself ", she replied cheekily, while she twirled around to hide her mischievious smile.

" What?but, but, but...."

" Relax, kid, for the time being, I'm not having any kay, and you know how much of a fickle I am, so no worries ", she replied while standing tiptoe to give him a kiss on his cheek.

" ............. ", he just stared into space, or somewhere, she can't tell.

They walked out of the parlor, to which while rubbing his bad eye, out of the blue he said this,

" Lon reckons that, my glass eye is sun burnt ", while looking at her funnily.

The reason behind the constant wear of sunnies. Comical indeed.

Feeling at home

2006-07-06T11:00:00.000+08:00

Feeling at home

Spite, that was what I felt from people whom I thought was my friends. For caring too much then in the past, for trying to think on their behalf. My mistake. I don't think they were put in any position by me to not do what they want or could afford to, for that matter. Advices are advices, nothing else, to take it with a pinch of salt or not is entirely one's choice. To behave in such an odd manner, when all I asked for was what's rightfully mine, is childish. I don't need to prove anything about myself, to anybody. I'm living it, my prove. One can't fathom, why is there a need for this, when everything has been quiet, and some have moved on. Should I explain, my reasonings to people who refuse to comprehend it out of spite? Should I even bother?

Will anybody turn down an offer to travel, fully sponsored? Did I not asked earlier, would she like to join? I for one, will go where ever it takes me, it's what has made me, the person that I am now. I made the mistake of trusting people, to have them laugh and bitch about it. Frankly, if anybody's smart enough, there wouldn't be any doubt over what I did, as I've said, the lifestyle I'm living in is living proof. Another her, reminded me, that I don't need to justify anything, indeed, I don't have to justify any of my actions past and present, as it doesn't involve others anymore. Another her, equally passionate about her music, told me that I should just go on and not care, for she too has cut out one of the many people, whom is capable of grounding her.

I would have thought she of all people would understand, the burning passion one have for something that made them whole, after searching for so long, in this winding and trecherous tunnel we all call life. That she would understand that I deserve this break, after so many incidents. That I will sacrifice everything for it, even my life. My parents has come to terms about me, after so many years, that their eldest was a restless being, that needed something more to life than their other children. My dear male friend, who is currently where I was all this time, has been prepped by me, has been given enough notice on what needs to be done. Why? Simple, because I do care, enough that I will leave everything in a moment if he was in trouble there. I am just a call away.

One becomes a bitch because one wants too, not because of others. I am a bitch. That has always been uphold. I never claimed otherwise. I tried to be like others, I failed misreably. Have you ever thought that, sometimes it is just meant that way for certain people not to be a martyr? All we want is for you to be happy. I am now, so why question it? Is it really hard to comprehend that some of us just can't be 'good' and are happy being a bitch? Chasing after our dreams irregardless of any consequences. Regrets? None. Why? Because I have come to terms about things.

Melancholy? Of course. I stood there in front of the memorial, reading out the names of people who has died in vain, people whom I knew at one point of my life. All of us stood there, shoulder to shoulder, side by side, paying our tribute, our homage to them. One of us cried, remembering how he lost her. All I could think then, was how much destruction has mankind scorned on themselves. Out of spite, out of intolerance. The same could be said about all of this now. Life goes on, and we who are left behind are given a chance to make the best out of it. I will not let anybody stop me. Whatever others may say, will just be the fuel to further ignite, my passion and will for being stoked.

Feeling at home? After the longest of time, that I could remember, I do feel at home now, at peace with what I do. Would I turn down an opportunity to surf with the pros, just because of some warnings I have received? You might not fathom, this need of mine. The sea, is a powerful entity, it's engulfing waves can kill a person in a matter of moments. Some surfers, I realized would, say grace, or pray or any of that sort to whatever divine being that they have faith in to keep them safe. I do that too, before heading out into the waters, I would tie on my leash, I would kneel down facing the waves, clasp my hands over one raised knee, bow my head low, and whisper my thanks to god and mother nature, for everything, wish me a safe ride, and bestow on me a really good swell. That is how humbled I am by now, I may not believe in any religion, but I do believe in god, and I don't blame him for anything that went wrong. The moment of saying my thanks and being on the waves, gives me peace. Say whatever you want or can, truth is I have found my calling now.

So why can't others understand that I still stand by my advice for them in the past, to avoid high risked places, and be prepared at least, if going. Did I hold you down by gun point or did I say IF CAN? I went there, fully sponsored to chase after my dream, my calling, my life. What is life then if I don't risk it to do the one thing that gives me so much of life? That's me. I am a risk taker, for awhile I stopped being that, and in turn that resulted in the demise of my many friendships. That is probably the only regret I have now, but I too realized that by being myself, would also cost me some things, but I am happier and at peace.

To forgive or not? To let that person have a chance or not? That's your choice. I realized that it is only human nature to forget all the good things a person has done for you. You have preached about this before and yet you contradicted yourself. Your choice. As far as I am concerned, I will let no one, and I mean no one, to keep me grounded and not soar to the skies. With or without support, with or without forgiveness, with or without a chance, I will continue my fight for my new found love. Thanks to the harsh reality that you and many others has unceremoniously pushed to my face a few months ago. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful of that. I appreciated that, for it has gotten me all of this now. I am helping myself, exactly what I was told to do. Not bothering anybody, except when I need my stuff back.

This is tiring, it really is. You can't understand, so be it.

Obscurity

2006-07-05T18:14:00.000+08:00

Obscurity

She misses him, his soft brown hair, his tall frame walking beside her, his hand enveloping hers, his voice as he speaks fluently in English, though he claims that his mother tongue, really is French. His voice crisp and clipped when conversing in french. His affection. She likes him, yes, but she doesn't want him.

It's a fling, she says, that regretfully was never finished off in the strictest of sense as a fling. He seems to have taken a liking for her too, the subtle touches, the teasing, the affection. To her, his actions was obscure and vague. She wasn't sure. To others surrounding them, it seems that both of them were being coy with each other's feelings.

Though as the night grew darker, it was obvious that he was attracted to her. He held her in the posh and chic bar, sitted next to him, she dangled her legs over his. He was teasing her about her need to put on a sweater in such a climate. She just laughed it off. In the cab ride back, to the hotel, he held her tightly, so as she doesn't slip away when the cab swerved around the busy corners of the streets. Thinking that she was asleep, he nuzzled her head softly. She sidled up closer to him.

They decided to join a friend, having a couple of beers, before heading out to the nearest club. They talked and cajoled each other into peals of laughter. They soon headed out to the club, where they walked at a brisk pace, where when the occasional motorist passes them by, he would encircle his arm around her waist, as if to tell them that she will be safe where ever she is, as long as he's there with her.

Upon reaching the club, they had their drinks, and soon realized that it was almost closing time. Somehow it didn't bother them, they left, walking slowly, this time, he held her hand while walking. She was laughing at a couple of passerbys, where one of them, male, was wearing a poofed up pink ruffled skirt over his jeans. He finds it comical too.

They reach back the hotel, hung out at his room, when he surprised her by asking this,

" Can I get a good night kiss from you ? ",

To which she just leaned over and kissed him. He held her, tightly, cuddling, saying,

" I really appreciate the fact that you're here, it really does feel good having you around ",

She snuggled up to him, kissed him, and felt asleep with his arms around her, remembering his soft kisses on her forehead. He held her all night.

By morning, she woke up, it was time for her to leave. She left and acted as if nothing happened, for it is true, nothing did happen. For it was only a fling, or so she thought.

By evening, he came down from his room, to see her off, his friend was there, her friend, was there. She was going back, and as they said a fling is just a fling. She walked over to bid farewell, and the obligatory polite peck at the cheek, when he turned his head ever so slightly, to kiss her in front of their friends. He reminded her that he was going to visit her soon.

She reminded herself that it was a fling, and words are just words.

It's been 3 days now, she misses him. She's been told that he misses her too, she doubts it. It was only a fling, so why does she miss him, she has had flings before.

It's an obscure thing, this feeling that she's having. She'll get over it. Her snowboarder.

If that's the bloody case, what the fuck am I doing blogging about him. Geez, cheesy nya. Jelik sial. Nevertheless, it was fling lah. End of story. Frust...LOL

Trigger memory excursions

2006-07-04T15:45:00.000+08:00

Trigger memory excursions

Funny ain't it, how trigger memory works, you see something, it reminds you of something. For example, while going through my stock pile of clothes, to be washed, I realized that, yeah, I am kind of brand conscious, Mango, Zara, Topshop, Roxy, Rip Curl, Volcom Stone, Billabong, Cult, Paul Frank, and god knows what else riddled my wardrobe. What does all of this so called brands has anything to do with trigger memory? First I would like to say this though, all of these brands are normal, run of the mill brands, there's nothing special about them at all, its your normal average, middle class clothing line I would think so. Why do people go crazy over them? Beats me, I use them coz, for those who knows me, would know the trouble I go through when I go shopping for clothes, most brands don't fit. The above mentioned brands does fit me on the other hand, so that's why, I buy them. Now, here's the thing, I was reminded of an incident or rather peculiar situation back from high school, to be specific, the words Billabong and Quiksilver, popped out of my head.

Well, back in high school, there were a bunch of girls, who were deemed as quite an in crowd. Incidentally, in class sometimes over the span of 5 years, I would be sitting somewhere nearby them, well actually I would be placed with them by the teacher coz I was too noisy, what's the logic in this, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, I realized that these girls, somehow, have gotten whiff of the brands that was cruising up in KL, sure enough, you see them pencilling and penning it down to every stationery bit they have, yeah they'll get the stuff ( whether it was a fake or not, I wouldn't know then ). The funny bit is, they perceived, haute couture brands such as Gucci and DKNY alongside surfing lines, such as Quiksilver and Billabong. Look, I have nothing against them, not my most favs of ppl, yeah, but I do find it comical then, now too.

Now years later, I never thought that I would be one of the many patrons to all these lines. Mango and Zara reminds me of my friend, Lin, back in Uni years, Quiksilver reminds me of Quen, Topshop reminds me of Iz, back in Uni years too, Volcom Stone reminds me of Sara, Rusty reminds me of Lon, Oxbow reminds me of Mr Evil yang bijaksana, Cult reminds me of my missing sunnies, Paul Frank reminds me of both Kim and Andre, I can go on, and I will be just stating the obvious, people now get brand'ed' too, like horses get seared by a hot poker, just to prove ownership back in the good ol' days of the west. Well, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, and how the hell, did this trigger memory excursions thingy get directed to horses? Either way, what I'm trying to say in such a long winded way is, that it is funny that a name, a brand can bring back funny memories of the past. DKNY and Quiksilver? HAHAHAHA, now that's a laugh. I wonder, were they even aware that for the clothing line of women, we use Roxy and not Quiksilver.

I am literally a walking talking advertisement, for most of the brands, heck I'm even spotting a Quiksilver and Hurley wallet chain combo, to the dismay of others. But it does comes down to this, they're just names, it doesn't mean squat. So the next person who finds my dessert camouflaged pants with a dragon embroided to the back of the leg, nice, and asked me where I got it from and go like "you ni kan memang brand conscious sangat", or something along that lines, I'll just smack you silly with my board bag. It's just branding honey, nothing great about it. It's people that makes it so popular and expensive. Think about it, lets say Armani is loosing out in the market, you honestly think they won't cheap out on us? Of course they would. In fact it also depends on geography, surfing brands in places like Bali, means squat to them, if only the indo fellas were as well to do as us, Malaysians. Even with them having a lower income economy overall, this brands are still normal to them. So at the end of the day it's all about how you perceived brands. As for me, I don't think much about them. Yeah, obviously it gets to me, when people goes like, ' hey nice top, where ya get it from? ', and upon finding out, they'll go like ' hey you don't know how to save money is it? Too rich ah? ', but what the heck right. As long as nobody goes about lumping both surfing line and haute couture line together, I don't give a fuck.

And this reminds me of something a person said to me today, about my advice to others bout not going to Bali. Look the difference is this, I have the polisi, the embassy's, the street gang's, the surfers', backup's numbers on speed dial. I have a back up plan if anything happens. I know what to do if anything happens. Do you? I have two indo lines, if anything happens. Do you? Heck, I broke my leash and nearly gotten into a rip, and I'm still here aren't I? Look, I have nothing to lose, I can die a happy person while riding a barrel, or of course during sex, but that's a different story altogether. Look you and everybody else don't have to listen to me, kay, I didn't hold you down by gun point asking you not to go. Wahey, my Mr Evil is going himself with his gf this thursday, and I didn't say anything coz I know he'll know what to do if there's trouble. Look at it from this point of view, it's like me smoking, and I tell you not to, coz I know the consequences, I'm just foretelling you what will come. I just said TRY not to go. But wahey, if you wanna go to Iraq also, I'll say the same. I know how to take care of myself, I have been doing that all this while. It's your life, not mine. I can toy around with mine and decide to not listen to my own hunches, if I think I can take care of myself.

Honestly I don't care about what I told others in the past and the present now, its your life, not mine, not my problem, not my business. I have stopped caring about alot of people for quite awhile already. I can't force myself to do jackshit about others anymore, it's the same when I said I don't believe in relationships, I don't, I don't believe in love, I don't, I don't believe in religion, I don't. I got a life to run, MINE. Yes, I am selfish now, but if you want me to feign care, that I can do. Can't accept this? Lon says it best for me, in this pic.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Back to the real world...

2006-07-03T17:04:00.000+08:00

Back to the real world

Back to the real world, is fun, that's what Marc or rather we called him Papa says. Riiiiiittteeee.....it's been a good loooonng ( yeah right, Khairil and the others are like there for a few months ), but ok lah long enuff lah for me ( rriiiittteeeee ). If I go on drawling out riiiiiiiitttttes only, I'd sound like a cow with a sore throat. Riiiiitttteeeee. This year is travelling year, so is next year, so is the next next year. Not for work, but for myself. But I think I need to spend time trying to travel the surf points here in asia first. But bloody hell, whichever works. Can't think, but....

I miss the boys, yeah Marlon included, yeah he was a bit of an ass, but all's good now. From left, Marlon, rider from Rusty ( hehehe, no support from me at all, seeing I don't buy Rusty at all ), Betet, rider from Quiksilver, and Thai, cute Thai, very cute Thai, who is incidentally, half thai and half aussie.

I miss my lil bro here, Andre, Ex-rider from Kuta Lines, some guys are better as friends coz you wanna keep them, he is one of those. Endearing kid. Loves to sing everywhere.

I miss everybody, and oh the dude with curly hair, that's Papa.

I miss surfing in Dreamland...sighs.

Pictures just don't do him justice, but yeah I miss him, hopefully he'll do a re-entry by coming down to Malaysia. Hehehehehe.

Feeling damn lazy now...hitting back home.

Going, going, GONE!

2006-06-23T15:50:00.000+08:00

Going, going, GONE!

Longest trip, 7 days, accomodation sponsored by the riders, flight ticket? If I have my way, I'd rather pay half of it, but it's fully sponsored too. Boards, heheheh.... I don't mind getting more free boards. I can sell them on ebay, coz they belong to the pros. Will I work whilst on holiday? Yeah, regretfully. Will I scour for my lost dreams? Yes. Will there be retribution inflicted by me? Most probably. Will I ride the waves in Uluwatu with a death wish? Probably. Will I stay away from the clubs? Yeah, better safe than sorry. Will I try to be better than the people who labelled me a groupie? Definitely. Will I behave? Heheheh we all know the answer to this question.

Thought I wanted to blog about a retort I have for people calling me groupie. Neah, I'll just say this, IYE aku memang groupie! Like whatever. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words like this just don't mean squat.

Listening : Dj Krush - Kemura

Happy Surfers' Day 2006

2006-06-21T10:58:00.000+08:00

Happy International Surfing Day 2006!!!!

YAY!!!! Too bad I am at work, heheheeh...but nevermind, things will come to those who waits.

The Question is now

2006-06-20T15:39:00.000+08:00

The Question is...

A malaysian made hatch back? A japanese imported DC5? Or a 4 wheel drive?

If hatch back, saves money, and I can surf travel everywhere.

If an Integra DC5, I will have a hot sexy car, but I can't really go surf travel anymore.

If a 4 wheel drive, I can transport all my boards, travelling between thai waters and malaysia.

Practicality, says hatch back, seeing that I can use my sis' Matrix if I'm going surfing in Malaysia or Thai, and I can go down under more often.

Irrationally, of course give me a DC5, any day. Sighs, but that would mean, less or maybe no long surf holidays.

A swift? Neah, with that price tag for the sports edition, I'll opt for a DC5 any day. Way better anyways.

The Departure Hall

2006-06-19T11:18:00.000+08:00

The Departure Hall

The drive up to the airport was a quiet one, though on several occasions, the silence between the both was punctuated by comments about the recent matches for the World Cup. A light moment passed between them, upon hearing Ronan Keating's cover of Goo Goo Dolls' 'Iris', he laughed out loud, calling it pansy and rather gay compared to the original version, while apologising to her, for the mutilation of her all time favourite song. Surprised that he actually remembers, she just smiled at him.

The departure hall, was not as crowded as it usually was, it was a Sunday night, what few people that was around was surrounding the big plasma screens watching the japan vs croatia match. Both of them was sitting on the chairs waiting for boarding time. Both was in their own world, while staring up to the screen. When he suddenly, while still staring up to the screen,

He: So you're really serious about this surfing thing? You know that I don't naturally agree with it, but it's alright.
She: Uhmm, yeah, I never felt this good in years.
He: So when are you going to Double Six? You think it's a good idea, given the circumstances?
She: What the guys doesn't know, wouldn't hurt them right? 'Sides he has moved on since the incident in 2004, with a new girl. Good for him.
He: Try not to get into trouble, will you this time around? Are you going to head up to Dreamland and the mentawaiis?
She: Didn't think you knew of the surfers' points around there, well I don't even know whether I'm heading down there to start with, a whole load of work remember. But if I do, probably Dreamland, and not mentawaii, too far and expensive now.
He: Meeting up with them? Or is this one of your wanting to be alone excursions?
She: Depends. Either ways don't worry, you have the embassy's and his number.
He: It's only natural that I am.
She: Thought you didn't.

Silence,,,,both was watching or at least pretending to watch the match while mulling over things.

He: Look, I know I haven't been around much for you, and you have to fend off alot by yourself. But you know it's work.
She: You know of all people I understand your work best.
He: How could I forget that, but seeing that we are here, I just wanted you to know, that it does bother me, this angst ridden relationship we have. Being away alot, certainly gives a man alot of time to think about certain aspects.
She: Didn't think it'll bother you, as you're always so distant and cold towards me. And believe me, I am shellshocked here to actually hear you saying all of this, in fact this is the first decent conversation we had in ages. Come to think of it, I can't remember any at all.
He: Look, I am aware that you see me as a bit of a tyrant, or a person who's selfish and doesn't care for anybody.
She: A tyrant? More like a dictator, it doesn't kill you, you know to behave charmingly and decently to me, or romantically to her.
He: Her....it has gotten worst hasn't it between me and her, ever since the move. I mean you should know it too, seeing that you're always by her.
She: I don't want to take sides, but it's kinda hard when you only hear one side of the story all the time and you hear the other side like maybe three times. But seriously it doesn't kill the both of you to at least try to work things through without being defensive.
He:........
She: Look, I am in no position to tell you how to run this, there is so much I can do and take. And I'm sorry if I'm not strong enough, but hell all of this does affect my life, you know.
He: Thought it didn't, what with the things you've done in the past.
She: My past is my past, whether I can forgive myself for it, it is also for me to decide. Now at least you know I wasn't dabbling into drugs and stuff.
He: Yes, but from somebody else. You could've approached me about it. But I guess I understand that was hard to do, seeing we are not so close, as others would like to think.
She: Well, if it's any consolation to you, I don't regret it.
He: And about the financial bit, the money...
She: Neah, forget about it, you've done the right thing I believe. Though I am happy I got it all back now.
He: Try not to chase after waves so much, will you, you still have to prioritised your job. Though yes, the lifestyle is certainly something that most would want, doubt you can last without working at all for 6 months and laze around.
She: That's why I am still working, hahahahaha. It's my bread and butter kay, coding and networking everyday at the office.
He: You don't miss being at sea? It's been my life for so many years.
She: Of course I do, why do I surf you think.
He: Of course, you know what, I kind of can guess why we are always at each other's neck alot, you remind me of myself when I was younger, a part of you at least. The wandering and restless part, where you need to do things to achieve your kind of joy. You can't stay put, and going away is like a form of escapism for you. Though the paranoid part comes from her, but one thing I am glad for ever since you started seriously surfing, is the laidback attitude you've acquired. I can't help but feel that I have to hold you down by the leash, so that you don't do the same kind of mistakes I've done.
She: Well, probably that's one of the reasons, 'sides beliefs, I am surprised that you said we are alike to each other in some aspects.
He: Well, you have your friend, Jason, to thank for that. He made the comparisons.
She: I know, in his own words, we are the exact carbon copy of each other. *laughs. Hot headed, stubborn as a mule, and too much of a workaholic.
He: He did, didn't he. Good kid, that one.
She: He is.

Silence again.... punctuated by the few individual's groan over a foul on the screen.

She: I don't hate you, you know. I just felt you didn't acknowledge me enough. That I wasn't good enough. That I was always the one that caused all the problems between you and her.
He: Well if it's any consolation, using your words here. I didn't mean it in that way, when I said that, it was out of anger. I think I don't really know who else to blame then, and seeing that you are always so different, you were an easy target. And I am proud of how stable and independent you are now.
She: It's alright, what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. And thanks for saying that.
He: It is the least I could do. We certainly have a lot to mend don't we?
She: We do, but it takes alot to mend things. We'll just see how it goes. This is pretty much a good leap, we never had this kind of conversation before. I guess you going off overseas had helped that.
He: In a way, I suppose. By the way she did told me one thing, about the SLB kid, I know it's way too late to ask, but are you alright now? Lets for the sake of being in the moment forget that I am a self proclaimed fundamentalist for awhile, are you alright now?
She: No regrets so far, I am way happier without him. Gotten over everything like ages ago.
He: Good to hear that.
She: I am surprised that you haven't tried to force feed me about religion now. Why?
He: An old man like me, learn that sometimes forcing doesn't work.
She: Yeah, I learnt that too.
She: You know, I am worried about you leaving for offshore now, especially seeing that turk is still underdeveloped and is riddled with drug lords, what's with it being the transit country for narcotics through Afghan.
He: Well there's a lot of oil reservoir there in the caspian sea, it's good money, and as long as I know how to take care of myself, I won't get into a shootout like the previous fellas.
She: Well, you know who to call right, if things does get nasty? They owe me one, should watch out for you there. Though I'd rather that I was there.
He: You can't do that anymore, you know that. I would hope that I don't have to call them, shady characters I was told by the team.
She: Still it is only natural that I worry.
He: Well, you know the drill right. Nothing to worry there. I'll be back in a month's time. You on the other hand, had better take care of yourself when you're in Indo. Don't go for points that you can't handle yet.
She: Hahahah...seems like you have been doing some research about surfing eh. Don't worry I'll be back in one piece. That is if I go.
He: Getting a new board?
She: Yeah, probably.

They sat there, waiting for the call of the Frankfurt bound flight, while talking about the sea and the ocean, football. When the boarding time was announced. He got up to walk towards the gate. They hug each other and she gave him a peck on the cheek, as she has always had since she could remember. While he walked towards the escalator,

She called out: Happy Father's day, Pa.

He turned around,

He: I love you too, kid, be good, take care of everybody and be careful in Indo alright. I'll see you in a month's time.

By then he was down the escalator. She was walking out towards the observation deck, to see the plane off. She remembers every word he has uttered, as it was rare. He was her father, and the conversation in the departure hall, was a first for the both of them. She will always remember it.

Weird ass shit

2006-06-16T12:07:00.000+08:00

Weird....really

" I love women of Chinese-Indian parentage ", says one.

" I think he likes you, but I like you too ", says two about each other.

" I think you're interesting, care to have coffee and dinner with me? ", says he.

" Joining us on International Surfing Day , Sanoe? ", says a bunch of them. ( To be called after Sanoe Lake, is wow )

" C'mere munchkin ", chided one while playfully ruffling my hair.

" Now don't tell me, you need this pick up line to pick up men, you don't need it at all ", drawls another one. ( upon demonstration of the funniest pick up line I've ever encountered )

" Now, what can I do to make you look at me in a different light than just like a lil brother, say as a person you might date? ", a pro asked.

" Hey, sit down here with me, oh your skirt's drenched, here's a towel, now sit down here, next to me, you smell nice ", says an ex pro.

" Ohmygawd you're talking about football, I don't know any girl that does that, that's so hot ", says another pro. ( That's coz I was actually a man at one point, doofus, kidding )

" Somehow situations have made you very tempting for me nowadays , why is that I wonder ", asks one coyly.

" We are too far apart, for me to do anything and of course, there is the other matter ", he confesses at the airport.

" I think we should go out for coffee or drinks sometimes ", says the neigbour's kid while looking very shy and at his toes.

" Come over, you're going to love it. Why? you asked. Easy,,,,coz I'm here ", one said.

" You're great conversationalist, no surprise there at all, and when you're quiet, it hits the spot too, and it seems everything's going to be OK ", one interjected during one of my newly acquired quiet moments.

" We had lemme see, 2 dinners, and one supper already, and we even hung out with each, you still can't see me in a romantic light of any sort? ", queried one.

" Well you always look good to me, and I never said otherwise ", says my bohemian neandertheal yang lengchai lagi bijaksana Mr. Evil.

Wookay, this all happened in the past few weeks or one month or so, all of a sudden, and I'm getting weirded out by this. Mr. Evil and many others just said, enjoy all of this. But I'm not sure how to react to all of this really. On more than one occasion I blushed madly and just walked away. Really I am weirded out by this. Ever since I've learnt the art of saying No, when I don't feel like it and doing what I want to do, this has been happening. Ever since I've reprioritised, this is what happens. Don't get me wrong, I'm still abit morbid, happier yes, but c'mon what am I, if I don't still retain my stupendous morbid philosophies.

All this while, I was always seeing my girlfriends being in this kinda situations. Most of the guys I dated in the past was more of something that happened along the way kinda thing. Courtship was something out of my league or so I thought, come to think of it. Maybe my definition of courtship is different than all the guys' notions. Maybe all this while all my past men, have courted me, just that I was too idiotic or dense to see it. It's really weird, ever since I started to do my own thing, not caring much about what others have to say about it, ever since I laughed and cajoled others more, ever since I enjoyed being by myself.

One is a person I am or was interested in, now he just started dating another girl. I am happy for him. Two are guys who I see as lil brothers and nothing more. Two are guys who knows about each others interest in me. A few more are of an elder brotherly figure than anything else to me. Two are drop dead gorgeous ( ok lah Mr Evil, tiga lah inclusive of you kan, but you're not counted as being flirtatious with me, nanti she marah u know. ). A few are pros who soon became my friends. A few are my friends all this while, but showing sudden interest. I can categorised all of them under whatsoever categories. Fact is, I think there is something wrong with me. Why? I have no interest whatsoever. In any of them for that matter. Even the one that I am interested in, I didn't do anything, coz I don't want anything. I'll be lying if I said at times in the middle of the night, I wouldn't want a person to be by my side.

Hell I might be crazy about my surfing, but I would want somebody too. But not now. Not now. Oh well, thought I just blogged about the few lines I gotten and stuff. Few years from now when I read this, it will be amusing. Very amusing.

P/s: I love Brittany Murphy's vocals.....sighs.

Three most played songs now:
Paul Oakenfold feat Brittany Murphy - Faster kill the pussycat.
~those high heels are not your friends, Honey you know where the world is at.....
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
~i remember when, i remember, i remember when, i lost my mind......
Panic! At the Disco - I write sins not tragedies
~I'd chime in with a " Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door",,No...

All three are on a bloody loop. ;)

I want this!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-15T12:02:00.000+08:00

I want this!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIL’ SIS
7'0" x 20" x 21/2"

Sighs,,,,unless I hit up at either Waimea or Japan, I can't even get this baby in Australia or Bali. Unless.....*sniggers evilly. Bloody brilliant. I know how now.

When you see your life flashes by

2006-06-14T16:46:00.000+08:00

When you see your life flashes by

You know what they said about, when a person is in certain life threatening situations, your life literally flashes by your eyes. Exactly. I will never ever say that it's a whole crock load of bull anymore. I am eating my own words now. And when this kind of thing happens, you will catch glimpses of your past, the people in your past, the events, your family, memories, people whom you have wronged, etc etc. It's like looking through a photo album or flcker, only that, it's so fast forward that you can only catch parts and glimpses of it. And with each glimpse, it invokes a different kind of emotion.

You will feel anger when you were openly berated by a person, you will feel sadness when you saw your first kitten died in front of you, you will feel melancholy when you see the good and bad memories of a loved one, you will feel happiness when you see the first and last ever bouquet of flowers on your table, and you will feel regret and remorseful when you catch glimpses of all the people that you have hurt in the past, thinking will you get out of this alive to make amends. So just imagine going through all of these emotions in a matter of seconds. Don't believe me? Try it. Seriously.

Over a span of 4 days, of just surfing and lazing around. It finally happened. Flicker happened. The thing that you're so passionate about nearly killed you. And the funny thing is, it wasn't mother nature that was doing it, it was your own gear. It's true what they said, when accidents or deaths happens while confronting the waves, it's not mother nature's fault, it's your own fault, your own mistake.

Being the sea cow that I am, I didn't bother checking on the velcro of my leg rope, soon it gave way, but that wasn't a problem, the worst that would happen would be losing the board. So, I decided to change the leg rope. And again, being the sea cow that I am, I decided to forego shortening the rope this time. Needless to say, when I was wiped out by the waves, the incoming waves carried my board and a current caused my too long leg rope to wound itself around my neck. In conclusion I nearly asphyxiated on my own leg rope, still attached to the board, causing more preassure around my neck. Now you would've thought that I learnt from that particular incident. No, still being the sea cow that I am, I didn't bother as it was such a hassle to fix it.

Second time, was when I had my flicker moment. The rope wound around my neck so tightly, and while still being underwater trying to wait out the waves to pass by, crashing into my board, my lungs gave way ( ni lah akibatnya smoking too much ). I was choking on water with a rope around my neck dragging me away with every crash of the subsequent wave.

Then I saw everything and felt everything. The pain, the fear, the anguish, the sadness, the happiness, the regrets, the remorse. At that moment nothing was more powerful than the feeling of am I going to die without fixing all my wrong doings. Am I not going to be given a chance to make amends? The remorse was overwhelming. Luckily for me, a fellow surfer hit by me, and caused me to come up from the water, gasping for air.

So, why do I still go on doing all of this? Easy, it made me realized things I never did in the past. It puts me in my place, I am humbled by mother nature's force. Logically therefore, why would anybody quit doing something that teaches them alot of things, such as humility.

I am aware that I have become deeply engrossed in surfing. That's all I can think of nowadays really. While waiting for a swell, sitting on the board, can be the most serene and calming thing a person could ever have, which can drastically in a matter of moments change into a life threatening situation, given you did a mistake while riding. The extreme spectrum of each other.

I am aware that somebody in my past has told me that I can no longer live my life on the edge anymore. The problem is though alot would want a calm and less threatening life, I on the other hand cannot do that. And I don't see it as a problem at all. Some can be happy by just doing daily routine things. I can't. I feel more at home in this kinda situations than anywhere else. I feel more at ease being on a charter boat heading up to mentawaais or nias. Or out at Double Six...daymn I wanna go to Dreamland.sighs.

Anyways, I just realized that this is my calling. Some are happy in just having relationships, or playing football, or lepaking at the mamak or catching the movies. Don't get me wrong, I still do all of the above, the only difference is I can't be happy by just doing all of that. I won't go so extreme as in to quit my job like most surfers I know. But given the chance, if I can still hold on to my job and move to somewhere like nias, or bali or oz, I would.

I am aware that I am just asking for trouble by getting involve in all of this. But I am not complaining about it. Scratches, bruises, cuts, near death experiences and expensive boards breaking ( Not yet, but I can see it happening soon ), is part and parcel of it.

But because I know that when I paddle out, my live is immediately hanging by a rope, I know I need to do the right thing already now. I am sorry. For everything. Every single thing. I know it won't change anything, but I am bloody sorry.