Impulsiveness

It was an impulsive decision. I am only 25, not even 25 yet actually. So close yet so far. It was within my grasp, all my dreams and hope was in that one moment last night. I could leave 'home' for where I truly belonged. Never felt at home here anyways. All my aspirations and faith even, was in that one lil backpack. I wrote a really long post about it, but I think I would like to keep it to myself, what really transpired. I never really given much thought about it, pushing it to one corner of my mind, hoping it will go away, as the repercussions due to my actions, especially towards my loved ones will be immense. But last night, it was too much, I was neither depressed nor angry, I was at lost for no reason, no catalyst or incidents to instigate this state of mind. It was just that it has always lurked around, and last night, when everything has been smooth sailing, it came out. That feeling, that you don't belong here, this never was your place, that you will never truly get what you really need. Wanting something, and needing something is two different things. What you might want, might not be what you really need. As sudden as my decision to leave abruptly, as sudden as that I had doubts, and I was already at the airport, waiting for customer service to enquire on other airlines to cater to my needs then. I was already 3/4 there, it was only a matter of confirming and paying for the boarding pass, and leave, when I just stood there, muttered a " It's not worth it, and I'm sorry for all the trouble, thank you anyways ". And I left, just like that, back to my apartment, back to all of this. Have I suddenly felt hesitant in leaving this country? No. But have I suddenly felt hesitant leaving what and who I have here? *sighs, yes apparently. But if I could by impulse last night, pack up whatever I could into my backpack, and drive up to KLIA to book a one way ticket, if I had came that close to leaving, who's to say I wouldn't be able to do that without remorse the next time. And I am vouching and hoping for that moment. For I don't feel I belong here at all, not to the norms of society, not to the expectations of others, not to the lifestyle here. To some individuals, out there, don't perasan this has anything to do with you, your existence or say has nothing whatsoever to do with my life now, never did to start with. Go on, and psychoanalyse everything, with every word that you utter that's linked to me, proves nothing, really. It's a no brainer, really, the more time wasted on such frivolous endevours such as psychoanalysing and assuming, the further you are than achieving anything. If it helps assuaging all the insecurities, by all means go ahead. *smirks. I might not leave now, but if and when I do, make no mistake, it has nothing to do with anything and anybody. It's me. And me only.

This is really funny, never saw it from that point of view, trust Mr Evil to come up with idiosyncrasies such as this.

[2:02:20] Lizz - Misses the ocean madly...sighs. says:
u know y....coz i couldnt reach u last nite i decided to bail on my running of to *some country* plans

[2:02:46] Mr Evil says:
right...

[2:02:05] Mr Evil says:
i really shld turn it off more then... it seems that i'm encouraging u the wrong way

[2:02:08] Lizz - Misses the ocean madly...sighs. says:
a trip to 7-11 last nite became a trip back home...pack my stuff....n up to klia.

[2:02:13] Mr Evil says:
ur father prob wouldn't like me very much

[2:02:21] Mr Evil says:
the only guy to make his daughter elope... alone.

Yeap, the doubts kicked in coz I couldn't have one last conversation with the most logical being I know, Mr Evil, 'sides as he aptly put so many times, I am Ms Evil, so I can't just bailed like that. Besides, I can only imagine now how he is going to face my parents. Man, now that's scary.

But as I've said and wondered aloud so many times, what does one do when one doesn't feel comfortable and at home? Leave or suck it in and stay? What ever it is, work has been hard, but continuous, I couldn't surf much, but I did last weekend, phheeww really needed to do that. In the process of it, popped my right shoulder. Daymn, but it doesn't hurt that badly. Plans were being made between all of us, 3 hours from Jakarta there is a secluded surf point, then Dreamland, then Phuket, then Bali again, then during the monsoon, Cherating and Kijal every weekend, then for me next year, Agadir, Morocco (hopefully), and Jersey, States, then hop to Quebec, Canada to do a spot of snowboarding with Sasha and Sarah hopefully. Of course it's not an ongoing thing from one spot to one spot, I do need to work, but so far that's the plan. So maybe for the time being I don't need to leave yet. Yet.




100% Dark, 90% Chill Factor, 120% Snuggle Rating

It's one of those days, when it's cloudy. Not too cloudy, just enough with the rays of the sun seeping through the clouds, to cast a rather romantic sort of evironment. The strains of Slovo's Whisper could be heard, from the apartment, being carried off by the wind, words and phrases,

~I think I should go now......when I feel I can't breathe no more.......you speak to me.....

It's one of those days, when being in the tropics is a real blessing, when the day is cloudy, yet warm and cooling enough to run around, laughing in the park. It's one of those days, when it changes into a chilly nite, where doing nothing, but lounging around, having some quiet time, with a loved one, is best. Having the perfect music and setting to enjoy the tranquility of it all.

~Do you know....your words could drag the moon down from the sky....seduce my heart with your war cry...

Slovo's sultry notes, smoky vocals, accoustic guitars. Chilled out bliss. The kind that works during winter, when it's really cold and everywhere is blanketed in snow. Winter Chill it's called. Perfect to be enjoyed by oneself or perhaps, with somebody.

~ But this world....will be shaken by a whisper.....

Definitely, 100% deliciously dark, 90% chill factor and 120% snuggle rating. Je pense que je suis dans l'amour,non? Je ne sais pas.




Wtf??!!

What the hell, over an x amount of man hours done safely, which means 0 man hours spent on injury and other watchmacallits, this is the bleeping safety award??!!




An iPod Shuffle??!! That's all??!! As you can see from the grainy quality of the pictures, I could make use of a really good CAMERA 'stead. iPod Shuffle pulak. The least also nano lah, I think x amount of man hours damn keng already woor. This is what I was told to wait for??!! Thought, maybe a new kick ass notebook kah. A cool coffee machine would be good too, no no make it espresso machine, kitchen appliances would be cool, a 37 inch LCD screen would be cool. iPod shuffle? Not cool at all. Haih, give my baby bro lah, seeing that he hasn't been demanding, and has been sweet, and is suffering from his first bouts of pimples or acne. Hhhmm kids nowadays, get a few blemishes also, get iPods already. If only I had that when I was younger. I would've gotten Disneyland I think with the amount of zits I had. Waaiiitt a minute, had? Have actually.




Myths...or rather myths busted for the umpteen time

All hail the PLAYER of the Year, Mr. Evil, due to certain circumstances, Mr. Evil shall go on being unnamed, as way too many people are linked to each other in our world or social circles, and we wouldn't want his girlfriend to know, would we? OK, I wouldn't want his girlfriend to know, coz truth is, No he didn't cheat on her with me, but truth is, I won't jeopardize his position just because of feminism or sisterhood, though I am friends with the girlfriend, but I am his best gal pal, or rather I am Ms Evil. So yeah, you go bro, do it for all the players of the world. No, no, no reverse psychology schumck going on here, frankly if you can play the field, go ahead by all means, if your conscience allows, that is. So why do I term it under a myth being busted? Easy peasy.

1. Mr Evil has always strike me as a person who is too logical, logic pertains to everything he does, I mean we are talking about a guy here, whom actually did a research on the internet concerning micro fibres, so as that he can see whether it's a good investment to invest in a micro fibre mop for the apartment. Yeap, a mop. Which only costed 50 bucks I think. Sighs. So in this particular case, in the cheating game that is, utilizing his brand of logic, he's definitely not the type to play around or have fuck buddies. Reasoning for this pre conceived judgement? He's too busy, so no time, equates to being too much of a hassle to just go around playing. That's logic. That's his logic from my perspective. But apparently, it was a case of myth being busted yet again for me, for he did cheat, not once, not twice peeps, hahaha he fucking played around. Wohoo!!!! Way to go dude!!

2. He actually had a few at the same time, aaahhh, all over the place, a man who travels, of course he would have them at different places, sides, it makes the chances of each girl finding out about the other highly unlikely. And well if he had played his cards right, none of them would know about each other. Which is exactly what he did, for his girlfriend is left in the dark still of his amorous escapades.

3. But, logic too dictates that he really is too busy to fool around, and of course the thrill of being a player soon wore off, and besides there was a time when the girlfriend and him were not together, so of course being any normal male, female even, logic dictates that after being in a situation whereby you as a person has always been sexually active, of course you will go ahunting. But alas, due to logic, my Mr Evil here decided to emancipate himself from the joys and freedom of frivoulous playing around. Sighs. 1-0 to the opposition, the loyalty till death do us part society of the world.

So basically, I was partly right, then, his actions for the most part was due to logic, his logic that is. So either way, he has went over to the good side. Ooohh now I get it, why he was advising me to enjoy the attention given, to be deliciously evil. *rubs hands in glee. Hey in my definition, being a player doesn't necessarily means fucking around, it can be being absolutely flirtatious and affectionate, or just being surrounded by the other sex, or the same sex if you're gay. Doesn't naturally mean that you will go back and boink each other brains out. Well, if you define as not believing in relationships and just having flings as being a player, hhmm ok. While you're still young hun, while you're still young.

The other myth is of course lil Marlon, the kid. Now this kid of mine, is a bit of a mystery, why I say so? Here's the thing, I wouldn't know how close we are actually, probably close enough to know his aspirations and his past. Funny thing is though, we don't exactly act as if we are ok with each other in front of other people, well I know I am pretty normal when we are in a bunch of people, he on the other hand seems to love putting up a really pissant kind of act, in this kind of situations. Which is really mind boggling as he can be really sweet at times and a real prick at other times, but I have grown accustomed to his behaviour, I see it as trying to get attention, like a lil brother does, so that is why I call him kid. He never seem to mind though. Either way, kid will always be kid, and I appreaciate the fact that underneath all that macho pissant kind of facade, there is a living breathing person underneath that. Which is why he is classified under myth being busted, for I am not the only one surprised by how compassionate the kid can be, for example;

1. Park came over the other day, and enquire on how are things, I told him everything from the whole picking me up, and the team manager, Thai stating that I was referred to as the M'sian girlfriend ( eeewww, me and kid? gross, seeing that footage on Dre's phone of him losing his boardshorts and mooning everybody save for his surfboard which thankfully was strategically placed in front of his crotch was pretty TRAUMATISING ), and whatever else that ensued. Park just commented this, " Did you know he was on one of those Surfing/Humanitarian mission aboard the MV Nauli? ", and I was like " Noooooo ( imagine Russel Peter's chinku No here ), Lon was doing that? Are you sure we are talking about the same kid here? ". Well apparently he was on that particular trip on the MV Nauli, when the tsunami happen. In fact it was the same one that everybody was talking about, which had Micah Byrne in it. I didn't believe it at first obviously, as he never said anything about it, other than how much hot are girls, girls this, girls that, surf this, surf that, what's wrong with quiksilver, yada yada, but for the most part, being cheeky and about girls only. So imagine my surprise when I found this article, Ground Zero, and apparently they all saved Asu, a whole village and they were like giving out aids, and tending to their wounds. Imagine that, my lil kid is a hero. Hahahah, I so have to bring this up with him. Or maybe I shall feign ignorance as always when it comes to him, might as well, seeing he is already cocky with the amount of girls throwing themselves at him. Sighs, boys, when will they ever learn?

2. From Dre, I found out that, kid was actually Indonesia's Joe Millionaire, well actually it was supposed to be Tipi, but Tipi was seeing somebody then, so he couldn't be roped in. Now Tipi is another myth busted thingy, muka macam tu, perangai macam tu, selamber nak mampos, abit snobbish, tapi won the Sexiest Surfer Award 2004, fucking funny lah wei. Through out lunch, all I could do was to refrain myself from saying anything as all the boys were there and I was feeling a bit out of place. Shy woor, no really seriously, I get pretty quiet when there's like a whole lot of them, and start doing my own thing, a few oklah, this is like what 10 of them, scary shit I tell you. Dahlah kena teased already because of my glasses, Do_op. So anyways, I will let pictures tell out the whole story of myth busted Joe Millionaire.


See so damn the comel right? In a suit, looking quite distinguished and whatever terms you girls use to describe lah. Cute right? Imagine my shock when I saw that magazine. Having lunch, really nice fresh red snapper, with butter sauce, flipping through the mag, and saw and basically choked and spewed chunks of fish all over my buddies. Why, such a violent reaction? Because.........





And this, Sighs






This is how kid looks like now, any similarities to the Joe Millionaire pic? Mana ader, like what Charm said, he looks really cute in the suit, but what went wrong lah? Muka macam tongkang pecah I said. But believe it or not, girls flock him, they would love to have their butts pinched by this tongkang pecah face, where else, me? I believe I had physically assaulted him on more than one occasion for his cheeky hands, where he'll yowled in pain. Nasib baik, I only find you mildly annoying. And I know how to cope with younger kids, the best is to ignore them till they behave.

But me and Charm do agree on one thing, that is, he's a swell surfer.

Yeap, one of the many maneouvres he can make. You can see this particular pic in the latest Surf Time mag though, taken a few months back I think, can't remember. A roundhouse cutback, if I am not wrong, and I can't do that yet. The pictures says it all, I don't even know how to blog about the differences in physical attributes there. Or I am just too lazy. Oh Oh, another myth that he busted for me, the kid actually believes in love, and wanting to settle down with somebody, and he still thinks about his first love. Wow, such a sap! ;P still young don't do irrational things like getting committed or married lah stupid. But that's my take on it, not anybody else's.

I never thought the day would come that I would blog about this lil kid here in such a direct way, but its fun to have all your myths being busted over and over again. I mean some people are so predictable, you can just know what they're capable of saying, doing or being in the future, kinda boring I think. Predictability is definitely the bane of all things thats fun. And that includes the act of observing people.




Numbers, digits, Integers, whatever you may call them

Yeah, numbers, pretty much defined alot of things in life doesn't it? In most cases the bigger or higher the value or said digit, the better it is, this applies to amount of money, equities, properties, yada yada, whatever else that revolves around leading a comfortable, stable, financially apt lifestyle. This higher or bigger value theory too, seems to apply to most women, they prefer older men, older than them, or maybe like way older like me parents and that whole brou haha haha merger ( yes, I define that as a merger ) between Shitty Nurhaliza and Dato' K. What's with this fascination of older men? I just don't get it, now now before you come to a conclusion that I am a cradle snatcher or closeted paedophile who hunts down lil boys, you are absolutely, gloriously partly right! LOL.

Now, what I meant was, I don't mind younger boys, somehow, they're more pleasant and easy going, especially when they are on the same wavelength as you are on the terms of girl-boy relationships. However older men, hhhmm, for starters I can't help but feel like that I am being babied, I have to inform how, when, what, who, where, which, etc etc. What I meant by older men, are men who are like 7 years or more, older than me, and no Mr Evil, it doesn't include you, you on the other hand has every right to question what I do, coz you don't do it, which means, you trust me enough to handle things meself. YAY. Now that's credit given when it's due.

Take for example, the existence of a 34 year old, whom might I add, is rather IT illiterate. Not a problem I think, but times have changed, and people have changed, and I find it excessively annoying telling a person for the 1000 and 1 time, that a Dopod and an IPod is two different things. This is another classic example of the Bigger Number, the better it is Theory refuted. It is not cute acting stupid or deliberately being an imbecile just so the other person will talk to you. Why I say that, sometimes, things as simple as TPM Global Meeting, on which you have texted the spelling, the said 34 year old, seems to deliberately misspelled it, just to obtain a remark or something out of you, TPM becomes TPG, mp3 becomes fp3 or something like that, IPod = Dopod ( why? coz both has Pod in it, is his reasoning ). Ok, you could call it an honest mistake, but after repeating the same things for the umpteen time within a span of 5 minutes, what do you think? Either he is really a dumbass which I doubt so, or he just thinks he's being cute and funny. Either way, GROSS. I don't mind idiots who are trying to learn, and who actually makes an effort to, but this is bordering on dementia, coz he obviously doesn't. Not to mention, the amount of time he spends breathing down my neck, during the last surf trip, prior to the trip and after it too. OHMYGAWD. Oh oh, I can't take care of myself, help me please, *in meek childlike voice. Can anybody imagine me doing that? Sighs, I have been avoiding him like the plague, coz I know, if I let him do anything within my vicinity, I will become a full blown bitch, and start bitching. Thank gawd for a blog. Can blow some steam off.

Fine, one 30 something year old is not good enough of a reason to conclude that most older men sucks, wait, wait. To this part, I will say the Bigger Number, the better it is Theory, works. More case studies on these species the more it further reinforces the idea of them. A 32 year old on the other hand goes all questioning and stuff, when I said, bro, I am not around this week, please inform the others. Sighs, and he will ask and ask and ask, when I'll be back, how, who, where etc etc. Look, see of it as something really good that I even tell you I'm not going to be around, coz I don't like this kinda things, heck I don't even inform my parents where I'm going till the last minute. Annoys the hell out of me. Then insults me by asking why is there a need for me to be so good with the pros and follow them surfing, that I shouldn't be doing so, I shouldn't go to Lombok, that irregardless of how much time I spent surfing and learning with the pros, I will never be able to take on a 10 footer wave, which he proceeded to ask me out on a date even after I so nicely put in such layman terms, NOT INTERESTED. I realized that the older they are, the denser they get. FYI, I can take 10 footers, don't be surprised when you see my pic in their magazines, taken by Childs himself. In fact in such a short span of time, I have even achieved most of the tricks that you can now, which took you, what? 7 to 9 years. Tsk tsk. Besides I was invited for all their sessions, seeing that like what they said, in reality there are very few adamant female surfers.

Older men, with music and technology, and other things. Sighs, Crystal Method becomes Liquid Crystal, saying the words " I don't know" warrants more questions, becoz they seem to think the more they badger, the LORD will see it that He will pop an answer in my brain, to be given to them. The more you say, Look I am busy I can't talk, or I am really tired, I'm trying to sleep, the more the influx of text messages, even when you choose to ignore answering any, they will text you the next day. It has been a nerve wrecking couple of weeks, I was busy and still is busy, I am not at anybody's beck and call. I haven't went surfing ever since I came back, coz I don't have time, I have been working and organising things. Geez man, ppl who are closer to me too don't even put up such ruckus, in fact a couple of friends, who had a stopover and stayed at my place, didn't bother me so much, they knew I was busy, so they pretty much took care of themselves.

Older men are so fucking boring, I am not sorry to say that, my dad's like way older, but he prides in himself to be technologically savvy, which he is. If he can do so, why not these two idiots amongst many I've met? Yeah, you can say different working industry mah, my dad's an engineer, he shouldn't know how to do Java or C by right, but he does. Interest. Not by being an idiot and just ask non stop the same old thing over and over again. Redundant-nya. And I thought I could learn from older people, yeah rite....nothing, zip, zilch, nada, elek, whatever lah.

I like younger man, you tell them "no", they back off, they don't question you so much, coz they know you can take care of yourself.

And oh, this is the best, already know I'm on international roaming, still have to call, and I can't not answer coz I can't see the number, and I have to switch on my phone, till I couldn't take it anymore that, I will buy extra local mobile lines from where I am, and just switch my malaysian line off, leave a voice mail stating my new number, on which said person won't call coz too expensive. Oh tau pulak, that it's expensive, how about whenever you call me on my mobile while I'm on roaming? Saper yang bayar hah?! Dongoi! Dungu!...because of you one idiot ah, my bill now damn the cantik already, ingat aku aper, jutawan?! That bill could be spent well shopping instead of answering your nonsensical questions. Bodoh!. Everything in USD you moron.

Hah, that felt good, ranting here, all this while I kept quiet and ignore, but weeeii,,, after receiving my phone bill today, this is too much lah. Here is another the Bigger Number, the better it is Theory that fucking fails. The bigger the digits, in bills, the worse it is, especially when it's within the range of thousands on phone bills. Hey they charge in USD ok, not rupiah ok, especially when I'm like in remote areas like Lombok. It's not like I didn't tell them, I fucking did, hey that few minutes also kan, cost alot especially when you accumulate all of them together with other more important people calling me you know.

P/s: Older men always have the word commitment in their minds. So not me.




When realization hits you

Funny that, when it is the most critical moment of the day for you, your mind starts to play tricks on you. When I said CRITICAL, I meant SLEEP time, LOL, it is for me now, especially ever since I've been getting only on an average of 2-3 hours sleep a day, before I have to rush out for work and other what nots. Not that I am complaining, about running about, but it's the part whereby when I need to sleep and I can only have like probably 2 hours sleep prior to some planned armageddon ( yes, I see as trudging up the pathway of certain terrains where I stay, and trampling all over lil harmless ants, and screaming out of surprise and rage, when surprise surprise one of those lil pesky ants had the audacity of bitting me, after I had trampled all over THEIR home, as planned armageddon ), anyways, that part boggles my mind, actually. But either way, the outcome of such mind numbing or is it searching of the meaning of life, ( hhhmm, odd that I see it as that per se ) experiences or glitches, has provided me with liberating lil tit bits, or nuggets, or whatever others may call it, about certain aspects of events, more so ever than that animated character from MTV, that rasta pong shui dude. You can absolutely tell when I ain't getting enough sleep when I'm pulling a mo jo jo here, or when I'm blabbering crap.
So I've realized ;

1. That my apartment, is no longer my primary home, primary home is work, or rather where ever work is, then in second place, my car, yesh, the comforter at the back, looks damn tempting to sleep on. Third place, aaahh my apartment. Fourth place, me mum's, for the food of course for the food. Fifth place, heheheh anywhere that I can surf, especially dreamland, or any places that has big ass bodies of CLEAN water. In fact I think there's half a room of my things, clothes, surfboards, leashes, extra chargers, stash of cash, books, somewhere at Halfway...hehehe go figure.

2. That my apartment is in serious need of some lovin', the visits up to the Landscaping Festival, made me feel that I have been neglecting my darling babes, especially when I don't even remember the size of the balcony, thus ordering only 5 bags of 20 kgs, polished black japanese stones. Sighs. Back to the drawing board then. Plus, after 2 months or was it 3 months, of staying at that place, I have still not put in all the fixtures of the lights, that uuhmm, some idiots, who came like thousands of miles away insisted on wanting to fix it for me. Needless to say, I didn't let them, but I vowed that the next time they have a stopover I will have it done already. ( Yeah right )

3. That I fong fei kei alot of people, and the best is this, they have like bought food and goodies for me, and I still can't see them, because of my work. Tonight, tonight, must not fong fei kei again, must not. HAHAHAHA. Must go out and have normal wholesome fun at the movies. Must.

4. That I am in serious need of sex and flings. Ooops forget that I said that. Say "Tak Nak" to whimsical You've Got Mail kind of romances. Holiday flings kind of romances are the way to go. No expectations. At all.

5. Never ever, ever, ever tell your friends about the miss you had with said cute snowboarder dude, just because your aunty decided to visit you then. They will never ever, ever, ever let it go man. Especially people like Mr. Evil who will always say things to insinuate that he's getting some and you, due to your stupid ass aunty didn't get any. BAH!

6. That I have another reason to watch CSI: New York now, Carmine Giovinazzo, or who is popularly known as Detective Danny Messer. Aaw, he's the younger dude with the glasses and tattoo, and looks bloody hot when he played handball. A man who looks smart, seems smart, looks good and spots a tattoo, be still my beating heart. Though it's only a character he plays, a girl can still dream can't she?

7. The reason I steadfastly hold on to my glasses, is that it is the last frontier for me as a geek. My last and only geeky piece of me.

8. That my study room is slowly changing into a store room which contains all my items which all play or played a part in me being the person that I am. My boards, be it the surfboards, the battered limited edition signed quiksilver skateboard ( just procured it from my lil baby bro, ok fine he's not so baby anymore, but he is to me, and yeah he's more into being a cadet and bike stunts, thingy, Dave Mirra and the lot lah ), the K2 beat up roller blades ( gawd, i think it's more or less 11 years old already now ), the abstract paintings and lil baubles of stuff that I have collected from everywhere over the span of 5 years ( which incidentally would clash horribly with my bacholerette pad, hey, minimalistic kay, not cultured or tribal or warm ), and soon, my onyx snowboard, of which hopefully my dad remembers to pick up from my friend in Frankfurt on the flight back here, end of this month. Actually, not into snowboarding at all, it was more of a spur of the moment thing, when I gotten it ( But I guess, I will have to go to Quebec next year, at least to help somebody out with organising the comps, bleearrgghh ). Scary shit man, careening down the slopes, just give me a shallow and hollow tube of water any day. Yeah, it's easier to pick up, compare to other things, but hmm prolly not my thing kut. It'll be nice alongside the other boards I have though.

9. That like going through a bag of caramel popcorn to find that illusive delicious kernel of buttery, sugary, caramelised goodness that makes you go sigh in pleasure. The same thing can be applied to finding the right thing for oneself, hhmm, that explains the short attention span I have on things. I hope that surfing is my delicious wholesome kernel of goodness then.

10. That my hair is an awful shade of brown now, streaky I call it, Mr Evil calls it nicely streaky and layered. Different shades of brown depending on which side gets the most sun, bah! Now, underneath all that light brown is a darker shade of brown, so I can be officially called an ugly ass brown nut.

11. That I wouldn't trade my experience being in the DJ console room at clubs for anything in the world. Watching them DJs spin and scratch and looking through their cd collections is just priceless.

12. That my annoying lil 'bro', has the exact specifications to just be a lil bro, annoying and bratty. Hehehehehe. ;P

13. That quitting one's job to just surf and wait for waves in malaysia is so not me. I am no bum, don't intend to be one, unless I ride pro, that too, I'll do things at the side. And calling me not patriotic, just coz I like to travel to other places to surf than Malaysia, is just so passe. Didn't you know, I have no sense of belonging, so screw patriotism. Oh anybody wants to buy off a country for a buck? Please call me. DOPE!

Kind of long written isn't it? This so called nuggets of realization is not anything great, I can do without them, especially when I need to get some sleep. I mean, wahey, it's not like, at that specific moment just before I sleep, is any important. With the way my mind's playing it out, it's like as if it's a deus ex machina, that it must happen then, in order to save all of mankind. Hahahah, now that's funny. Me? Saving anybody? *laughs histerically.

Written to the sounds of Fat Jon and Nujabes, famed fellas of the Samurai Champloo Tracks, all time favourite, Silver Morning.




The quirky things in life

~she said OOooohh darling, don't you know, the darkness comes and the darkness goes ~ Duncan Sheik's She runs away.

Such an old song, but still an old time favourite. A feel good song. Reminds her, how some old things doesn't struck a chord of her heartstrings anymore, and new things does now.

It has been awhile, for she no longer remembers the ramifications of Damien Rice. Iris, by Goo Goo Dolls, has been sung with a new beginning now, with a new epic, and not forgetting on a bike, in a blistering cold night. The playful voice of Jamie Cullum no longer perturbes her too.

Snow Patrol has marked a fresh new start for her, ever since she heard the kids singing You're All I Have, whilst playing cricket. She heard it again, in another place.

Howie Day's Collide was sung with such tomfoolery and humour, on a beat up old guitar, with no capo on the 4th fret, thus needing one of the boys to hold it down, while she strum horribly, and they sang horribly.

Duncan Sheik's Wishful Thinking no longer makes her feel wistful. Jamiroquai's 7 days in Sunny June, reminds her of June.

Coffee use to remind her of one of her friends, whereby he's an avid fan of coffee, now it reminds her of another avid fan of coffee too, a beloved lil kid. Now looking at Starbucks, it reminds her of the cute lil paperback she's gotten from them. And of course the blue colored hair barista, called Raven, whom since has left to further his studies, when she wasn't around.

Dusk reminds her of looking from afar, the boys having a day out on the sickest and dirtiest wave. Sweet. With her looking on wishing, one day she will be as good as them.

The song Mungkin Nanti, reminds her of her girlfriend backpacking through Europe now. How much she misses her, and looks forward to their planned trip through Asia. Her board, Amidamaru, reminded her, of how long and tiring the day was when she went hunting for it. A pleasant surprise whereby just after lunch with them, she stumbled upon Dre.

Looking at any magazines now, it reminded her of the newsletter, where it had a caption " Unknown female surfer getting down and nasty, proving girls can do it as well as the boys " under a picture, black rashie, black striped pink cult boardies and a green striped white board, familiar eh?

Life is quirky, and funny too. Sometimes pick up lines just doesn't work, and the blunt truth works better. Sometimes the lamest jokes cracks people up the most. Sometimes having no ass, is a good thing. Sometimes when taken lightly, boys can be quite hilarious. And sometimes the worst things or situations or problems, will be the best thing to ever hit a person. And of course, nothing, as in nothing beats, Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, and Samurai Jack 'coz.




Creepy Fingers

Tag line : Creepy Fingers : What do escargot and surfing have in common?



A Veeco production, of a surf flick. By Volcom Stone. Appropriate, hahaha.




Peace of Mind

" How does one define peace of mind? ", she wondered.

She was in the office, working. When she has received an offer, to help managed one of the riders. She can't, she won't, she might one year from now, but not now. But that is not the question now, is it?

She was often called the trouble maker, due to the fact that anything she dabbled in, trouble comes along, be it in relationships, people in general, work, money, anything. So for once, she went into something quietly, not wanting to cause any if possible, but, alas, it was a sick cycle all over again. But this time, she too figured that she's not about to let all of this go.

As she sat there, on the balcony, overlooking the golf course, she thought of her past. Funny, it doesn't bother her as much, she has learnt that she is incapable of a few things, thus avoid all of them at all costs.

It was 2 in the morning, she rarely has time for herself nowadays, what with her work, exams, travelling, family, friends, surfing, events, planning of comps, amongst other things. She looked on the makeshift table she made out of two clothes rails, where she had laid her Mini Mal board on them.

" What kind of crazy person, is scraping and cleaning her board at 2 in the morning ? ", she wondered.

The moon hung in the sky, it doesn't happen often, but somehow the moon looked slightly orange tinged red, a rare phenomenon, but science has it that it was due to the alignment of the moon, earth and the sun that produces this.

She pondered over the recent events, men being men, refused NO as an answer, especially 30 somethings, the younger ones seemed more understanding and understand her needs to just be by herself and have fun. Some people love to jump on conclusions without even bother knowing the real reasons of her travelling, so let it be, for now she understands why he refused to have anything to do with that said person.

" Some people are capable of bringing you down, of grounding you, of making you feel that you need to justify every actions done by you, when you can go so far and fly way higher ".

Something that she and others agreed upon said person. Leech, freeloader, those words keeps on making it appearances in her mind, upon thinking about some individuals. Oh well, that's over with, she thought to herself. It's nice to have the tables turn for a change to her preference now.

She realizes that she should be having the time of her life, and she is in actual fact. Somehow, word got around, about how some individuals are not so happy with her new found freedom, it makes her misses the ocean with such an intensity.

Her close male friend, had this to say,

" You are here without them, you didn't need them, and you definitely don't need support from them, let them say what they want ".

Her close female friends, said these,

" Take comfort in knowing that like me, you're doing something that most women can't do, the high you get when you're up there, looking at everybody, and knowing that these same people are not capable of what you're doing, that's good enough ". a very passionate music lover said.

" Some people can't handle it, that you're doing something for yourself, and you should only let it spur you on ", said another.

She has always been one to forge on against people, especially those who does nothing but whine about how mundane and boring everything is. Her life long motto is this, " The more you bitch about me, the better I get ". That's her fuel.

She held on to her raspberry martini drink, while looking up to the moon, took a sip, savouring the taste, her freedom, her aspirations, the obstacles and thought,

" Life is good ".




Fucking unbelievable

It was Benji Weatherly, ohmygawd!!! I just realized that it was Benji Weatherly. FUCK!!!!!!! I fucking can't believe this, and I left early. WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!

On a totally different but lighter note, I was told to ride on somebody's glory seeing that we are close and he was kinda hitting on me, screw that, I am going to do this on my own. Of course, I gotta admit it does help, knowing most of them. But if I want to be good, no no, great, I have to do this on my own.

On another note altogether, Lon has left Quiksilver after a month of riding with them, citing, irreconcilable working styles. He has been offered a 3 year deal with Rusty, and ever since then has been with Rusty. His old sponsors. Oh well, at least that's what he said lah. I'm not going to say much or who else he was talking about.

Quiksilver might, might only have a comp in Cherating, end of this year. That's what Tipi said, I don't know. We can only wait and see.

To hell with all of this news and whatsoever news I know of now....all I can say is, what the fuck??!! Benji Weatherly??ooohh maaannn...that was bloody embarrassing.

Disclaimer: I don't understand how some people can go, all goo goo gaa gaa over them, especially Lon, ahahah....he's like a kid brother. But I bloody respect them as great surfers. *kow tow.




Love at first sight

" Do you believe in love at first sight? ", he asked.

They were walking by the beach, it was dark, the moon was acting as a beacon for them, emitting sufficient light to walk along the shells strewn shore line. An offshore wind was blowing, the sounds of waves crashing against the beach was soothing to one's ears. They just had dinner at a quaint lil restaurant, and decided to walk back by walking along the beach. She was dressed in a black lightly sequinned halter top, a denim mini skirt and covered patent leather flats. He was in a shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, light brown chinos pants and leather loafers. Both of them has taken of their shoes, she was walking gingerly by the shoreline, enjoying the feeling of sand and sea water between her toes. He was watching her with amusement.

She paused in the middle of digging her toes into the wet warm sandy ground. He was waiting for an answer. She turn to face him with a bemused look.

" I would never think that you of all people would ask such a thing ", she replied.

" Why? Is it so hard to conceived that I do think about matters close to the heart at times? For your information, I don't make it a life long mission to just chase anything that wears a skirt, though it might seemed so at the present moment ", he retorted.

She just raised an eyebrow over the remark, and continued walking. Apparently he wasn't satisfied, for,

" You haven't answered my question yet ", he called out while catching up with her.

" The question, should be, do I even believe in the concept of love and fidelity ", she answered nochalantly.

" Don't you? ", he asked.

" Regretfully, no, I don't, I believe in partnerships, equality and convenience, I am incapable of loving anybody, or being loved for that matter, does it make me bitter? Only you can answer that. Logic pertains to everything I believe, why bother having a relationship, when I am incapable of being true and honest to him, when I don't believe in the concept of trust and fidelity. Why bother hurting others? ", she retorted back lightly.

" Now that's not true, I don't believe you're bitter as you're always happy it seems, in fact, you striked me as a hopeless romantic at times with your way of handling certain aspects of situations ", he replied.

" What is funny is having this conversation with you of all people, I mean c'mon, both of us knows of your colorful philandering ways with women, though most of the time I realized the kind of women you seemed to have so much fun playing with are those who lacks a certain kind of intellegence, your average honeys. To which it brings me to this question, if you're ready for a relationship why bother stringing along and sleeping with all sorts of women? ", she lightheartedly asked while smiling.

" The same reason most men do, we haven't found the right one I supposed, I am aware that it's not reason enough to toy around with another person's feelings but all's fair in love and war. Only that it is lust instead of love ", he said.

" Ah, now that's a concept I fully fathom ", she laughs heartily.

" You're such a flirt ", he said while grinning.

By which he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and brought her closer to kiss her on the head. She giggled. They trudged up the sandy dunes to walk towards the main street. He was still holding her by the shoulders. She had no qualms about it.

" Say, what would you say if I were to say I felt abit jealous when I saw you with the other guys today? ", he asked while getting on the scooter parked by the street.

" I would say, why should you and oh well, what can I say, it's just a feeling, nothing's wrong about it ", she said as she clambered on the back of the scooter and lean against his back.

The illusive smile crept up on his face. She saw that.

" So I take it you were jealous ", she said laughingly.

" Well I do like you ", he said.

" Wrong move dear, you shouldn't like me, besides, I don't think you can cope with me being chummy with other men ", she said.

" I think I know you well enough by now, to know, that unlike all of us men, though you are flirtatious, you don't simply jump into the sack with anybody ", he said.

" Au contraire, that might have changed since you last saw me ", she answered.

They zip along the streets, everything passes by in a stream of lights, the night was still young, to reach an establishment of some sort, which turns out to be a really classic warm bar cum restaurant, a crowd was already there, to watch the match. He passed her his sweater seeing that it was a chilly night. She graciously took it.

They enjoyed every moment of watching the match, even sneaking a glance or two at the other table, which had this loving gay couple, and giggled over their antics.

He drove them back later after the match, upon reaching the door of her room, he leaned against to whisper,

" Pour etre honnete, je crois au coup de foudre, depuis que je vous ai vu ", and gave her a light peck on the cheek.

She stared up to him, and smiled.

" Good night, dear, as for what I've said, that's for me to know and for you to find out ", he said langourously.

She held onto his arm, and brought him closer to her and whispered huskily,

" Le coup de foudre ? il est une illusion ", she answered, while giving him a light kiss on his lips.

" Good night ", she said and went into her room, shutting her door towards him.

He stood there, and smiled.




Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

The cutest cartoon, I've watched ever since the Power Puff Girls, in fact it's also created by the same creator, Craig McCraken. The theme is bloody infectious. Bloody adorable creatures, plus, there's even a bit of broadway injected into one of the episodes, when Bloo was roped in evilly to star in a broadway production as a deodorant stick.


Blooregard Q. Kazoo. Created by Mac, Bloo is Mac's best friend. As Mac grew older, Mac's mum deemed that Mac is too old to have an imaginary friend, thus Bloo was accepted at Madam Foster's home for imaginary friends. My favourite character so far.





I love the cartoon so much that I've bookmarked the site, hahahah, it's so cute. Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends




Bloody Tourniquet

" Try not to say anything about his bad leg, don't even look at it ", he said.

" Have I ever said anything about a person's defect before, kak? ", she asked.

" Well, there is the fat lady the other day by the beach in that bikini, and that fat kid,.....

" See the commonality there, fatness, or obesity, I don't see why they can't take care of themselves, and I wasn't bitching about it kay, it was an observation ", she retorted.

" But daymn that woman was hideous in that bikini, gives me nightmare bro ", another he piped in.

" Anyways, just don't say anything or look, he's pretty grumpy about it ", he reminded all of them.

A group of them, were waiting by the port for the charter boat. They saw it approaching from the horizons, the 80ft vessel, all armed with their surfboards and equipment, they were more than stoked to hit the waves.

She saw him first when she boarded the boat, she noticed the slight limp he has when he came over to greet the crew, she removed her sunnies, smiled and introduced herself. Everybody was slowly getting together, greeting each other.

He was looking at her, she noticed. "ah, probably coz normally very few females follows this kind of planning ", she thought. He looked rough, seasoned out and tan from the sun. There's something forebidding about his expression. And yet, he looks vaguely familiar too. Others might be intimidated by him, but she felt nothing. His mixed parentage features was apparent even under the tan, and rather than looking weather beaten, he'd look as if life itself has been cruel to him instead.

It was night fall, and she grew tired of the boys' loud and crude jokes. She needed some peace and quiet, she left for the decks, the charter boat was travelling at a cruising speed. Luckily for her, she has brought some reading material, she sat on one of the deck chairs. The night was silent apart from the occasional muffled laughters of the boys, and the low howling of the wind. The moonlight was splashed across the boards, providing a bluish shimmery tinge over them. One of the shortboards, she saw a cloth of some kind, browned due to age tied along side with the leash to the tail, the moonlight casted an eerie light over it, she felt disturbed by it. She looked up to avoid looking at it, observing the star littered sky and soon spotted The Crux, or rather what is popularly known as the Southern Cross.

" Ah the Southern Cross, a beautiful sight indeed, especially at this time of the year, due to it's brilliance, it has became a constellation of its own by the 16th century ", a low drawl came from behind.

Surprised, she looked behind and saw the man with the limp.

" It was once, one part of the Cenfaraus constellation, and it also contains the notably famous, Kappa Crucis cluster, also known as The Jewel Box, which is composed of over a hundred stars, half of it red and blue supergiants, to produce a profusion of intermingled blue, red, yellow and white sparkling light ", she said after a minute of hesitation.

Silence fell between them.

" So how long have you been standing there? ", she asked in trying to make a conversation.

" Long enough, to finally realized where I have seen you before ", he replied.

Shock riddled her body. He was now looking at her, and suddenly walked over to the board that had the cloth attached to it, and walked towards her. In the darkness of the night, with just the light rays of the moon, he looked menacing. Yet, she wasn't afraid, fear was something she wasn't accustomed to for quite awhile now. He sat beside her and held up the piece of cloth for her to see. It had brown stains, and it looked as if it was torn from a shirt.

" Thank you ", he said suddenly.

She looked at him, with a bewildered look.

" For saving my life, for saving my leg, in 2002 ", he said.

" I don't understand what you're saying, I think you have gotten the wrong person, I wasn't here, that wasn't me ", she denied vehemently.

" I know it was you, I don't know why you're denying it, but I know it was you ", he pressed on.

Silence fell between them again.

" Sighs, this piece of cloth, was the tourniquet, you or rather she tied for my leg, I was walking past a block away when it happen, the impact was so strong, shrapnels was flying everywhere, I was thrown on my back with bits of debris and glass all over my back, my leg, had a glass piece through it ", he paused to look at her.

She was staring into space, her face devoid of any emotions.

" You ran past, alongside a white guy, I grabbed ahold of your leg, asking, begging for help, as everybody was in a panic frenzy, you stopped, and was repriminded by the white guy for stopping, everything was such a haze for me, all I remembered was, you pulled me up near the alley, behind some walls, you tore something and tied it around my leg, and the next thing I know, I was in the hospital, where the nurses said I could've lost not only my leg but my life too, has it not been the tourniquet that was found around my thigh ", he continued.

She was still stoical, but he saw the flicker of recognition in her eyes. As quick as that flicker came, as quick as that it dissappeared too.

" I've asked for the piece of cloth, luckily for me, they had it still, ever since then, I had tied it alongside my leash, to remind me of the good luck I had, to survive it ", he said.

" It's not me, that's for sure, I was still studying then, so I think you have gotten the wrong person ", she simply said.

" Maybe, but I will never forget the determined look she had in her face then, and to see it again just now, in you. Look I don't know what reasons you might have for denying this, but all I can say is Thank you, thanks for saving me ", he said.

With that he stood up and turn to walk away when,

" No....., thank YOU ", she said.

He just looked down at her, she was still expressionless, but somehow she looked more human then. Seeing that she wanted to be alone, he left for the galley.

She was still staring up the sky, but now the Southern Cross no longer amused her. She stared blankly, remembering the vivid images. She wept with relief and melancholy. She felt lighter than she ever did.





Tattoos

In a tattoo parlour, while flipping through the pages of all the designs, she chanced upon, one that looks really good, a stylized tribal anteloupe. It looked familiar, then she recalled the tattoo found on a 5,600 years old mummy, in National Geographic, it's the one. He on the other hand, was talking to the owner about his recently made yin yang tattoo. Pretty dodgy, she thought of his tattoo.

" This looks nice, right? ", she asked.

" Yeah, it does, isn't it from that tundra mummy they found a couple of years ago? ", he quizzed.

" Yeah, thought you didn't know that, I was thinking about getting this one too now seeing that design is here ", she said.

" Hahahaha, don't you think it's high time you give me credit for at least watching National Geographic to compensate the fact that I hate reading, frankly I don't really like the idea of you having any tatts for that matter ", he replied.

" That's ironic, Dre, seeing that almost the whole space on both of your arms are fully occupied by tatts ", she said while poking his tatts, consisting of a few words of being stoked, having faith in the love of his life, the yin yang symbol, and several others.

" Ah, but that's me, remember I was a practising muslim for two years, so I do know, that you're not suppose to get any, and besides, the flamel insignia, as I recalled is a cross with a serpent running through it, kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it if you do get caught by the religious affairs people back at your place, though you don't believe in any religion, having that on your back says otherwise for people who doesn't know the significance of the insignia right? ", he retorted.

" Well, yeah, not that it matters anyways, chances are nothing will happen, pay them off, I guess, nothing to it, religious affairs idiots are rather an ignorant lot ", she replied lackadasaically.

" Ah, you're being snobbish now, aren't you, though that might be true, try not to say it, we wouldn't want you to hurt the feelings of others, do we? ", he chided.

" Sorry, I'm just tired of it all, I guess ", she replied apologetically.

He frowned, she has brooched the topic of wanting a tattoo numerous times, and he has always been apprehensive of it. She on the other hand, was starting to feel the heat, as it is disturbing that a catholic is telling her what she should do for what is perceived as her religion by birth. It reminded her of his story, his past, his situation.

The whole situation was rather kafkaesque and surreal, a nightmarish fictional world not so unlike Kafka and yet real enough. Here was a man who was borne into christianity, but for love, practised Islam, and was happy practising it, towards the end to find his heart shattered, when he later discovered the love of his life was and still is a heroin addict. His devotion for her, came with a heavy price, while he didn't lose his life, he did lost everything that is important to him in the strictest of sense. He was living proof of the proverbial phrase, " Curiousity killed the cat ", not knowing how to shoot up and the desire to see what is it about heroin that his love couldn't forego it, compelled him to try it. Just once, just once was all he did, to have an OD, thus slipping into a coma, loosing his right eye and simaltenously his sponsorship along with it.

" He has been royally screwed by a woman ", his best friend said time over time.

She couldn't agree more, upon remembering his best friend's words. Whilst looking on at him, finding that he was still brooding. She realized that he had always been broody, ever since she could remember. Most people, had came to the conclusion that he is well, a snob, seeing that he doesn't smile and appeared morbid for the most part. In fact that was her initial impression of him too. She soon realizes that he in actual fact, is a very shy person, who doesn't know how to react to compliments. It took him awhile to warm up to her. Once he did, he was a different person, still broody, yes, but at least warm and laidback. He instantaneously warmed up to her friends, much to her delight. One even cited the fact that he was such a gentleman, seeing that he pulled out a chair for her. She just smiled.

" Smile more dear, you'll feel better when you smile ", she commented once the ice was broken between them in the early stages.

" I don't look good when I smile ", he answered then.

" Everybody does, kid, and that includes you as well ", she replied.

She rarely gets to see his eyes, as they were always hidden behind a pair of sunnies. He felt inadequate with his glass eye. Truth to be known had he not pointed out his condition, she would have thought nothing of it. Over time, she would occasionally, lift his sunnies, as to let his eyes breath as she would always say. Over time, he started to do it by himself, more often too. She finds his eyes beautiful, it reminded her of her father's eyes, she commented to him once. Much to her chagrin, he replied while laughing, " Are you saying that I looked as manly as your dad? ", she blushed, and retorted, " At least he doesn't listen to the band, Blue ", and by this time it was his turn to blush.

Now he was sitting there, quiet, and deep in thought.

" What are you thinking about? Still adamant about the tatts? ", he asked.

" Franz...

" Kafka, right? ", he cuts her mid sentence.

" Yeah, how did you....

" Know?, as I've said, I might not read as much as you do, but I do know some stuff, and besides, what else will you be thinking of when you're so intent in observing me sitting here, other than how Kafkaesque everything seems, am I right about this? ", he replied.

" You never cease to amuse me, dear ", she answered.

" So are we leaving this joint with or without your tatts? ", he asked.

" Sometimes, there are certain tatts, invicible to the naked eye which are more worthy and leaves more of a profound meaning to a person than a cosmetic one I would think, so without, for now ", she answered.

" Ah, are we talking about me now? ", he asked.

" If you'd like to think so ", she replied.

" Profound huh? Never thought of that before, anyways are you sure about this? ", he asked, while trying to smother down the look of victory on his face, a smile was creeping up.

" I'm sure for now, 'sides I can always go and have it done myself ", she replied cheekily, while she twirled around to hide her mischievious smile.

" What?but, but, but...."

" Relax, kid, for the time being, I'm not having any kay, and you know how much of a fickle I am, so no worries ", she replied while standing tiptoe to give him a kiss on his cheek.

" ............. ", he just stared into space, or somewhere, she can't tell.

They walked out of the parlor, to which while rubbing his bad eye, out of the blue he said this,

" Lon reckons that, my glass eye is sun burnt ", while looking at her funnily.

The reason behind the constant wear of sunnies. Comical indeed.




Feeling at home

Spite, that was what I felt from people whom I thought was my friends. For caring too much then in the past, for trying to think on their behalf. My mistake. I don't think they were put in any position by me to not do what they want or could afford to, for that matter. Advices are advices, nothing else, to take it with a pinch of salt or not is entirely one's choice. To behave in such an odd manner, when all I asked for was what's rightfully mine, is childish. I don't need to prove anything about myself, to anybody. I'm living it, my prove. One can't fathom, why is there a need for this, when everything has been quiet, and some have moved on. Should I explain, my reasonings to people who refuse to comprehend it out of spite? Should I even bother?

Will anybody turn down an offer to travel, fully sponsored? Did I not asked earlier, would she like to join? I for one, will go where ever it takes me, it's what has made me, the person that I am now. I made the mistake of trusting people, to have them laugh and bitch about it. Frankly, if anybody's smart enough, there wouldn't be any doubt over what I did, as I've said, the lifestyle I'm living in is living proof. Another her, reminded me, that I don't need to justify anything, indeed, I don't have to justify any of my actions past and present, as it doesn't involve others anymore. Another her, equally passionate about her music, told me that I should just go on and not care, for she too has cut out one of the many people, whom is capable of grounding her.

I would have thought she of all people would understand, the burning passion one have for something that made them whole, after searching for so long, in this winding and trecherous tunnel we all call life. That she would understand that I deserve this break, after so many incidents. That I will sacrifice everything for it, even my life. My parents has come to terms about me, after so many years, that their eldest was a restless being, that needed something more to life than their other children. My dear male friend, who is currently where I was all this time, has been prepped by me, has been given enough notice on what needs to be done. Why? Simple, because I do care, enough that I will leave everything in a moment if he was in trouble there. I am just a call away.

One becomes a bitch because one wants too, not because of others. I am a bitch. That has always been uphold. I never claimed otherwise. I tried to be like others, I failed misreably. Have you ever thought that, sometimes it is just meant that way for certain people not to be a martyr? All we want is for you to be happy. I am now, so why question it? Is it really hard to comprehend that some of us just can't be 'good' and are happy being a bitch? Chasing after our dreams irregardless of any consequences. Regrets? None. Why? Because I have come to terms about things.

Melancholy? Of course. I stood there in front of the memorial, reading out the names of people who has died in vain, people whom I knew at one point of my life. All of us stood there, shoulder to shoulder, side by side, paying our tribute, our homage to them. One of us cried, remembering how he lost her. All I could think then, was how much destruction has mankind scorned on themselves. Out of spite, out of intolerance. The same could be said about all of this now. Life goes on, and we who are left behind are given a chance to make the best out of it. I will not let anybody stop me. Whatever others may say, will just be the fuel to further ignite, my passion and will for being stoked.

Feeling at home? After the longest of time, that I could remember, I do feel at home now, at peace with what I do. Would I turn down an opportunity to surf with the pros, just because of some warnings I have received? You might not fathom, this need of mine. The sea, is a powerful entity, it's engulfing waves can kill a person in a matter of moments. Some surfers, I realized would, say grace, or pray or any of that sort to whatever divine being that they have faith in to keep them safe. I do that too, before heading out into the waters, I would tie on my leash, I would kneel down facing the waves, clasp my hands over one raised knee, bow my head low, and whisper my thanks to god and mother nature, for everything, wish me a safe ride, and bestow on me a really good swell. That is how humbled I am by now, I may not believe in any religion, but I do believe in god, and I don't blame him for anything that went wrong. The moment of saying my thanks and being on the waves, gives me peace. Say whatever you want or can, truth is I have found my calling now.

So why can't others understand that I still stand by my advice for them in the past, to avoid high risked places, and be prepared at least, if going. Did I hold you down by gun point or did I say IF CAN? I went there, fully sponsored to chase after my dream, my calling, my life. What is life then if I don't risk it to do the one thing that gives me so much of life? That's me. I am a risk taker, for awhile I stopped being that, and in turn that resulted in the demise of my many friendships. That is probably the only regret I have now, but I too realized that by being myself, would also cost me some things, but I am happier and at peace.

To forgive or not? To let that person have a chance or not? That's your choice. I realized that it is only human nature to forget all the good things a person has done for you. You have preached about this before and yet you contradicted yourself. Your choice. As far as I am concerned, I will let no one, and I mean no one, to keep me grounded and not soar to the skies. With or without support, with or without forgiveness, with or without a chance, I will continue my fight for my new found love. Thanks to the harsh reality that you and many others has unceremoniously pushed to my face a few months ago. Don't get me wrong. I am grateful of that. I appreciated that, for it has gotten me all of this now. I am helping myself, exactly what I was told to do. Not bothering anybody, except when I need my stuff back.

This is tiring, it really is. You can't understand, so be it.




Obscurity

She misses him, his soft brown hair, his tall frame walking beside her, his hand enveloping hers, his voice as he speaks fluently in English, though he claims that his mother tongue, really is French. His voice crisp and clipped when conversing in french. His affection. She likes him, yes, but she doesn't want him.

It's a fling, she says, that regretfully was never finished off in the strictest of sense as a fling. He seems to have taken a liking for her too, the subtle touches, the teasing, the affection. To her, his actions was obscure and vague. She wasn't sure. To others surrounding them, it seems that both of them were being coy with each other's feelings.

Though as the night grew darker, it was obvious that he was attracted to her. He held her in the posh and chic bar, sitted next to him, she dangled her legs over his. He was teasing her about her need to put on a sweater in such a climate. She just laughed it off. In the cab ride back, to the hotel, he held her tightly, so as she doesn't slip away when the cab swerved around the busy corners of the streets. Thinking that she was asleep, he nuzzled her head softly. She sidled up closer to him.

They decided to join a friend, having a couple of beers, before heading out to the nearest club. They talked and cajoled each other into peals of laughter. They soon headed out to the club, where they walked at a brisk pace, where when the occasional motorist passes them by, he would encircle his arm around her waist, as if to tell them that she will be safe where ever she is, as long as he's there with her.

Upon reaching the club, they had their drinks, and soon realized that it was almost closing time. Somehow it didn't bother them, they left, walking slowly, this time, he held her hand while walking. She was laughing at a couple of passerbys, where one of them, male, was wearing a poofed up pink ruffled skirt over his jeans. He finds it comical too.

They reach back the hotel, hung out at his room, when he surprised her by asking this,

" Can I get a good night kiss from you ? ",

To which she just leaned over and kissed him. He held her, tightly, cuddling, saying,

" I really appreciate the fact that you're here, it really does feel good having you around ",

She snuggled up to him, kissed him, and felt asleep with his arms around her, remembering his soft kisses on her forehead. He held her all night.

By morning, she woke up, it was time for her to leave. She left and acted as if nothing happened, for it is true, nothing did happen. For it was only a fling, or so she thought.

By evening, he came down from his room, to see her off, his friend was there, her friend, was there. She was going back, and as they said a fling is just a fling. She walked over to bid farewell, and the obligatory polite peck at the cheek, when he turned his head ever so slightly, to kiss her in front of their friends. He reminded her that he was going to visit her soon.

She reminded herself that it was a fling, and words are just words.

It's been 3 days now, she misses him. She's been told that he misses her too, she doubts it. It was only a fling, so why does she miss him, she has had flings before.

It's an obscure thing, this feeling that she's having. She'll get over it. Her snowboarder.

If that's the bloody case, what the fuck am I doing blogging about him. Geez, cheesy nya. Jelik sial. Nevertheless, it was fling lah. End of story. Frust...LOL




Trigger memory excursions

Funny ain't it, how trigger memory works, you see something, it reminds you of something. For example, while going through my stock pile of clothes, to be washed, I realized that, yeah, I am kind of brand conscious, Mango, Zara, Topshop, Roxy, Rip Curl, Volcom Stone, Billabong, Cult, Paul Frank, and god knows what else riddled my wardrobe. What does all of this so called brands has anything to do with trigger memory? First I would like to say this though, all of these brands are normal, run of the mill brands, there's nothing special about them at all, its your normal average, middle class clothing line I would think so. Why do people go crazy over them? Beats me, I use them coz, for those who knows me, would know the trouble I go through when I go shopping for clothes, most brands don't fit. The above mentioned brands does fit me on the other hand, so that's why, I buy them. Now, here's the thing, I was reminded of an incident or rather peculiar situation back from high school, to be specific, the words Billabong and Quiksilver, popped out of my head.

Well, back in high school, there were a bunch of girls, who were deemed as quite an in crowd. Incidentally, in class sometimes over the span of 5 years, I would be sitting somewhere nearby them, well actually I would be placed with them by the teacher coz I was too noisy, what's the logic in this, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, I realized that these girls, somehow, have gotten whiff of the brands that was cruising up in KL, sure enough, you see them pencilling and penning it down to every stationery bit they have, yeah they'll get the stuff ( whether it was a fake or not, I wouldn't know then ). The funny bit is, they perceived, haute couture brands such as Gucci and DKNY alongside surfing lines, such as Quiksilver and Billabong. Look, I have nothing against them, not my most favs of ppl, yeah, but I do find it comical then, now too.

Now years later, I never thought that I would be one of the many patrons to all these lines. Mango and Zara reminds me of my friend, Lin, back in Uni years, Quiksilver reminds me of Quen, Topshop reminds me of Iz, back in Uni years too, Volcom Stone reminds me of Sara, Rusty reminds me of Lon, Oxbow reminds me of Mr Evil yang bijaksana, Cult reminds me of my missing sunnies, Paul Frank reminds me of both Kim and Andre, I can go on, and I will be just stating the obvious, people now get brand'ed' too, like horses get seared by a hot poker, just to prove ownership back in the good ol' days of the west. Well, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, and how the hell, did this trigger memory excursions thingy get directed to horses? Either way, what I'm trying to say in such a long winded way is, that it is funny that a name, a brand can bring back funny memories of the past. DKNY and Quiksilver? HAHAHAHA, now that's a laugh. I wonder, were they even aware that for the clothing line of women, we use Roxy and not Quiksilver.

I am literally a walking talking advertisement, for most of the brands, heck I'm even spotting a Quiksilver and Hurley wallet chain combo, to the dismay of others. But it does comes down to this, they're just names, it doesn't mean squat. So the next person who finds my dessert camouflaged pants with a dragon embroided to the back of the leg, nice, and asked me where I got it from and go like "you ni kan memang brand conscious sangat", or something along that lines, I'll just smack you silly with my board bag. It's just branding honey, nothing great about it. It's people that makes it so popular and expensive. Think about it, lets say Armani is loosing out in the market, you honestly think they won't cheap out on us? Of course they would. In fact it also depends on geography, surfing brands in places like Bali, means squat to them, if only the indo fellas were as well to do as us, Malaysians. Even with them having a lower income economy overall, this brands are still normal to them. So at the end of the day it's all about how you perceived brands. As for me, I don't think much about them. Yeah, obviously it gets to me, when people goes like, ' hey nice top, where ya get it from? ', and upon finding out, they'll go like ' hey you don't know how to save money is it? Too rich ah? ', but what the heck right. As long as nobody goes about lumping both surfing line and haute couture line together, I don't give a fuck.

And this reminds me of something a person said to me today, about my advice to others bout not going to Bali. Look the difference is this, I have the polisi, the embassy's, the street gang's, the surfers', backup's numbers on speed dial. I have a back up plan if anything happens. I know what to do if anything happens. Do you? I have two indo lines, if anything happens. Do you? Heck, I broke my leash and nearly gotten into a rip, and I'm still here aren't I? Look, I have nothing to lose, I can die a happy person while riding a barrel, or of course during sex, but that's a different story altogether. Look you and everybody else don't have to listen to me, kay, I didn't hold you down by gun point asking you not to go. Wahey, my Mr Evil is going himself with his gf this thursday, and I didn't say anything coz I know he'll know what to do if there's trouble. Look at it from this point of view, it's like me smoking, and I tell you not to, coz I know the consequences, I'm just foretelling you what will come. I just said TRY not to go. But wahey, if you wanna go to Iraq also, I'll say the same. I know how to take care of myself, I have been doing that all this while. It's your life, not mine. I can toy around with mine and decide to not listen to my own hunches, if I think I can take care of myself.

Honestly I don't care about what I told others in the past and the present now, its your life, not mine, not my problem, not my business. I have stopped caring about alot of people for quite awhile already. I can't force myself to do jackshit about others anymore, it's the same when I said I don't believe in relationships, I don't, I don't believe in love, I don't, I don't believe in religion, I don't. I got a life to run, MINE. Yes, I am selfish now, but if you want me to feign care, that I can do. Can't accept this? Lon says it best for me, in this pic.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.




Back to the real world

Back to the real world, is fun, that's what Marc or rather we called him Papa says. Riiiiiittteeee.....it's been a good loooonng ( yeah right, Khairil and the others are like there for a few months ), but ok lah long enuff lah for me ( rriiiittteeeee ). If I go on drawling out riiiiiiiitttttes only, I'd sound like a cow with a sore throat. Riiiiitttteeeee. This year is travelling year, so is next year, so is the next next year. Not for work, but for myself. But I think I need to spend time trying to travel the surf points here in asia first. But bloody hell, whichever works. Can't think, but....

I miss the boys, yeah Marlon included, yeah he was a bit of an ass, but all's good now. From left, Marlon, rider from Rusty ( hehehe, no support from me at all, seeing I don't buy Rusty at all ), Betet, rider from Quiksilver, and Thai, cute Thai, very cute Thai, who is incidentally, half thai and half aussie.

I miss my lil bro here, Andre, Ex-rider from Kuta Lines, some guys are better as friends coz you wanna keep them, he is one of those. Endearing kid. Loves to sing everywhere.


I miss everybody, and oh the dude with curly hair, that's Papa.

I miss surfing in Dreamland...sighs.


Pictures just don't do him justice, but yeah I miss him, hopefully he'll do a re-entry by coming down to Malaysia. Hehehehehe.

Feeling damn lazy now...hitting back home.