Been having them since I met him, sighs. I mean how fucked up can that be, ever since he held me while sleeping, sleeping ok, not anything else, then. I woke up so many times in that few hours of sleep we had, he slept like a log, probably tired due to his flight, he was jetlagged. But still it's been that faithful day till now, that's the most fucked up part about it.

A friend asked whether did something trigger it, knowing my history, and when I relate the matter aforementioned to him, he just sat looking at me quizzically and asked " Do you still harbour any subconscious guilt over the matter? ". NO! At least I don't think so.

It gets worse when Mr Evil suggested that I might need sleeping pills, coz I need to shutdown everything and sleep properly. He also suggested the notion of black magic and schmuck like that, to which I just pooh-ed over. Black magic indeed, Bah! Hocus pocus shit, the mind believes what it wants to perceive and physically can inflict the body to believe shit like that.

What's horrible about it, I keep on seeing pain and chaos everywhere, and it'll end with this dude or person or something, trying to cut me open, and I swear to god, I could actually feel the pain going through my body physically.

The mind perceives what the subconscious feels through dreams. I see it as trouble, something I definitely don't need at all. I have to stop this soon. I believe in science, and I think, it's a sign that I am not getting any better, the coughs are back, and so are the chest pains, the on off fever, the difficulties in breathing, and the vomiting. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me, it's no point fighting already, and that I should just give in and give up, that unlike other times, this is very different, I won't be able to battle this out, I won't win, and He will. Maybe I should, and just stop fighting all at once. At least one of us can be happy.




Had this long ass conversation with Steve last night, and finally told him what actually happened, and it ended with me saying, " So the player has finally met her match, and been outplayed ". He just agreed.

He did however say that the guy is a really good guy, given the fact that I was being cold hearted and oblivious about what was happening, plus he is one of those men that by reputation you don't mess around with, especially on home ground, or rather his turf. It didn't help matters when you know for a fact how influential his family and best friend is, both for different reasons, one being the local mafia squad and the other being a rather prominent pro surfer in the world. It makes one ponder on why, especially when Steve pointed out the obvious.

" You don't get men of that background, to kiss you on the cheek, tell you he'll call you the next day, after the way you acted, being all cold and unforgiving, he could've easily made life horrible for you had he not cared or loved you, you have to remember dear, half of your life is there, as much as half of your life is here, he might not be there as often as you, but others can still make life hell for you, doesn't help matters you're on good terms with Riz's crowd too, Riz is his bro, and even when you're not there, they know we are your mates, they can make it very ackward for us, yeah babe, he is a good guy and you know that too "

I swear to god, normally I can't remember what a person reprimind me of, but Steve's words did hit home, and I know he thinks I'm probably one of those most inhumane person around, but you know what, that's what you do to avoid trouble, I know he's a great guy, but I do know other things too about him, and I know that I will never be the kind of person to be seen as important enough to him when he's away. Coz in a way we are both the same, and that alone scared us both.

Towards the end, I would just say this to him ever so often, " I know why now dear, it's to remind me not to ever be as so fucked up as you ". And he neither nay or aye it too.




Daymn, I've fucked up my foot again man, aaahhh the price to pay, sighs. No surf this weekend in east coast, I feel deprived already, I think I gotten used to walking to the break every morning and surf. Oh well, hopefully with all the ongoing projects, I'll be able to surf travel every month even if it's for the weekend. I do miss blogging about surfing, and alot has happened, but somehow surfing now is something really personal for me, I have without fail dissappeared on every weekend to surf for the monsoon. I'm going to miss it, it's coming to an end soon, too bad it's also flat in Phuket in March, sighs, free trip but cannot surf, blardy hell man.